Grow your outer world
Do new things, meet new people, and do things to help others. My outer world shrunk after I’d lost Sophie. I locked myself away, stopped seeing friends, going out and doing new things. I think this happens because your mind can only cope with so much when you’re grieving. Losing a good friend is catastrophic. To process and make sense of what’s happened you hide away from the world. As a result, your outer world shrinks.
It made me think about my life after Olivia had died and before I had come to Harp Brook. My outer world had shrunk. I stopped doing the things I loved and chose to sit in my flat and watch the drips from the ceiling.
Olivia had written out a lengthy list of all the things she’d done to grow her outer world. She’d attended a new writer’s group, raised money for Cancer Research and forced herself to join a gym. That made me smile as she’d written at the side:
You don’t have to exercise at the gym. I preferred to wear fancy gym clothes, walk about with a towel to give the impression I was on a warm down, and talk to handsome men lifting weights.
Closing her notebook, I lay back in bed and thought about what I could do back home to grow my world. The thought of returning to my flat, the leaky ceiling, my lazy landlord and city life was no longer appealing. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep.
Next morning, as I got out of bed, I decided that somehow today I would get Layla to the hospital.
‘Morning, Rachel,’ Ben said, as I walked into the kitchen. The kitchen was empty apart from us. He was pouring hot water into two mugs with tea bags inside.
I didn’t see Grandpa. ‘Is my grandfather not up?’
Ben gestured towards the hole in the wall. ‘He’s back there. Tom’s showing him the new layout for the kitchen. Don’t worry, I made sure he put on a coat as even though we have heaters it’s still a bit chilly. Can I make you a cuppa?’
With a sigh of relief, I smiled. ‘That would be nice.’
‘Look,’ Ben said, ‘we haven’t got off to the best start. Shall we start again?’
‘That would be good.’ I leaned against the island as he reached for another mug. ‘Is your daughter enjoying the snow?’
He turned around and smiled, which set off a fluttery sensation inside my chest. It was quite a smile, full of fun and a hint of mischief. ‘Rosie is loving the snow. Although the sledge I made us goes far too fast.’
‘That sounds cool. A handmade sledge. Doesn’t she like going fast?’
He laughed. ‘That’s the worry – she wants it to go faster. Do you like sledging?’
‘Love it,’ I gushed. ‘Rosie sounds like me when I was little. I was a speed demon from a young age. I reckon I have still got it when it comes to sledging speed.’
Ben grinned. ‘Fighting talk. Be careful or you might find yourself up against a sledge pro like me.’
He poured milk into the cups and I imagined the thrill of having a sledging race against him. My heartbeat quickened at the thought… until my mind reminded me that he probably had a beautiful wife who would not be impressed at our sledge race.
He stirred both mugs. ‘Rosie’s school is shut again and that’s causing me childcare issues.’
‘Must be tricky.’ I pictured Ben with a pretty wife and Rosie all larking about in the snow. ‘Does your other half work full time as well?’
He brought over my mug of tea, and I noticed how he kept his eyes fixed on the floor. ‘It’s just me and Rosie. My mum is helping me out again but I’m not sure whether she can do it tomorrow.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said, sliding onto one of the chairs at the kitchen table and hiding my excitement at hearing him say he was a single father.
‘Do you have kids, a partner?’
I shook my head. ‘No, just me.’
He took a sip of his tea and grinned at Grandpa and Tom’s laughter from behind the construction sheet. ‘Sounds like they’re having fun.’
‘It’s nice to hear him enjoying himself.’
Ben looked at me. ‘I can tell you’re close to your grandpa.’
‘Grandpa and my sister, Maddie, are my family favourites.’ Humphrey leapt up from his basket and started barking at me. ‘Calm down, Humphrey,’ I exclaimed, ‘you are so bossy. Let me finish my tea.’
The dog took one look at me and hurried out of the kitchen.
