Grief makes you do stupid things. It takes hold of your mind and body and instructs you to do things which on a normal day would make you freak out. Grief leaves you untethered and alone. It turns off the lights and makes you reach out for support. The trouble is, when you do try to cling to something and the lights go on, you realise you made a dreadful mistake.
She’d been gone for a month, and I was helping my friend look after his baby daughter. His daughter was sleeping upstairs. We were sat on the sofa together.
My heart had started to beat so loud I could hear it thumping inside my chest. All the saliva in my throat had evaporated. Ben was the friend whom Olivia was with. I clamped my hand over my forehead. Did I want to read what sort of mistake Olivia made with Ben?
Nausea swirled around my tummy. What the hell had Olivia done?
Through the gaps between my fingers, I read on.
I wanted someone to hold me. I was bereft. I was emotional and I wanted physical touch.
I slammed the book shut. Oh God, Olivia had slept with Ben in a grief-fuelled state. I didn’t want to read it. Closing my eyes I massaged my temples. I took some deep breaths and remembered what Connor had said. Maybe Olivia was managing this thing with Ben from heaven and maybe she trying to show me something. With a trembling hand I opened the notebook again and gasped.
I threw myself at my friend. I kissed him on the lips, pressed my body against his and I ran my hands through his hair.
Shutting my eyes I let out a wail of frustration. ‘Oh, Olivia, what are you doing to me? I can’t read this.’ An uncomfortable feeling passed over me. Olivia had slept with Ben. This was her stupid mistake. She was stunning with an hourglass figure, raven silky locks and a sexy smile. Ben would not have resisted her advances. I placed the notebook under my pillow. This situation with Ben now felt awkward and messy. I decided to lock my feelings for Ben away at the back of my mind.
Sleep found me soon after and teleported me to the perfume counter in Boots where Olivia was trying to persuade me to buy Angel by Mugler. She was frantically waving the little white tester card under my nose and saying, ‘Isn’t this divine?’
As I got showered and changed after waking, I thought about the old me who sat in her flat day in, day out, swapping over buckets and finding more things to stick in my Olivia shrine.
I now wanted to do things like cook, paint and help the local community. Throwing back the bedroom curtains I surveyed the snow-coated countryside. It was a much better view than that of those claustrophobic office buildings which always felt like they were hemming me in. Harp Brook was growing on me, despite the Frank situation. I liked being away from the city and I wanted to be close to people like Maddie, Layla and Abi. I could feel Olivia here too, in Harp Brook, and that was something which wasn’t scary, it was giving me a lot of comfort.
Tom arrived first the next morning. ‘Ben’s going to be late,’ he explained as I handed him a mug of tea. Relief swept over me at not having to see Ben after what I’d read.
Layla and Zac came into the kitchen. ‘Morning, Rachel and Tom,’ Layla said with a smile. ‘Did you get the scenery finished?’
I nodded. ‘Yes, and I am going tonight to watch the nativity. Abi just texted to say Grandpa and I have two tickets. Any news on Derek?’
She beamed. ‘He comes out tomorrow. We have talked every day since I saw him in hospital.’
Aunty Bev appeared. ‘Morning, all. Can you believe it – this morning I woke up and tried to blow out my phone alarm like it was a candle. I think living in this huge house is giving me delusions of grandeur. Bring on the extra strong coffee.’
Layla grinned. ‘That’s funny, Bev. Has anyone seen Humphrey?’
‘Humphrey?’ I searched for him under the table. He wasn’t in his basket. ‘Oh no,’ I groaned, ‘Has he gone missing again?’
Grandpa appeared behind me. ‘That dog is off enjoying the start of his Christmas week. Leave him alone.’ He turned on the radio and soon the kitchen was filled with East 17’s Christmas pop hit.
Layla surveyed the kitchen as Grandpa urged me to dance with him. She poked her head through the construction sheet. ‘Tom, you seen Humphrey?’
Pulling away from Grandpa I ran my hand through my hair. ‘That dog is a rascal!’
Grandpa placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘Relax, he’s probably saving someone’s life again or finding a lost child. That dog is a little hero. When he disappears, we shouldn’t panic. Who wants a cuppa?’
I made us all a cup of tea and some fried sandwiches as it was the start of our Christmas week. Aunty Bev went into the hallway. She returned as I carried the sandwiches to the table and glanced around the kitchen. ‘Can you hear a dog barking?’
Leaping up I turned off the radio. She was right. There was the sound of a muffled dog bark. ‘Humphrey?’ I called out, walking into the reception hall.
Layla followed with Zac on her hip. ‘Humphrey?’
I gulped as I realised the barking was coming from inside the west wing. Layla noticed as well and walked towards the locked doors. ‘He’s in the west wing. How the hell did he get in there?’
Without thinking I ran to Layla’s bag in the hallway, grabbed the keys and ran to the door. She stared at me. ‘How do you know they’re the keys? Did you just go in my bag?’
Blood rushed past my ears and my heart thumped against my ribcage. ‘Layla, I just guessed…’
I handed her the keys, and she opened the door to let an excited Humphrey out. ‘I know you’ve been in here, Rachel.’ Swiftly she shut the door and locked it. ‘You’ve let me down, Rachel, after everything we have been through. I trusted you.’ Before I could say another word, she ran away upstairs.
