She looked up into his eyes. They were no longer filled with the oppressive intensity that had been there a few minutes ago. It had been replaced with his friendliness that she had become so accustomed to in the last few months. She opened her mouth to refuse. She was still in mourning, and her late husband stilldeserved her respect. “Very well,” is what unaccountably came out of her mouth.
Mary wanted to knock her head with her own knuckles or perhaps bang her head against the wall. What madness had overtaken her that she no longer even had control over the words that formed on her lips?
Mr. Worsley must have seen the doubt on her face, for he asked, “Are you certain?”
Loyalty to her husband warred with the feeling of connection she felt toward Mr. Worsley: past versus present. Present won, though not without a pang of guilt. “I am certain,” she said.
“Thank you for such a precious gift,” he said, and he bowed. “I am afraid I must circulate among the other guests now, but I look forward to seeing you again at the end of the night.”
Mary bobbed a curtsey in response, but she said nothing as he walked away.
As Gregory Worsley walked away from Mrs. Allen, he wondered if he had made a mistake in asking her to dance. Though she had said she was certain she wished to dance with him, there was hesitance and conflict clearly written in her expression. He did not like the thought that something he had done had caused her even a hint of pain.
Yet, at the same time, he longed to dance with her. He remembered dancing with her last year. She was far from the most graceful lady, but she was good enough to not be an embarrassment. However, it was not her grace, or lack thereof, that made him wish to dance with her again. Rather, it was the thought of having her attention solely on him for half an hour.It was the idea of being able to touch her hand or perhaps her waist, depending on which dance it was.
Gregory knew he was in love. He had known it for some time, but it was only when she challenged him as to how many times he had experienced it before did he realize how deeply and truly he loved her.
Gregory had fallen in love many times. The first time was when he fell in love with a shop girl at the confectionary. He was just ten years old, and it was possible he was just in love with the fact that she gave him sugar plums, but he thought about her frequently and even dreamed about her a few times. The feeling didn’t last more than a few months, however, as he discovered activities that he enjoyed more than running to the shops for candy.
His second love was a parlor maid who worked at his father’s estate in the country when he was fourteen. She was beautiful, with porcelain skin and pink cheeks. Her clear blue eyes were incredibly striking, and she always seemed to be happy. He often imagined kissing her plump, pink lips, but his father was absolutely adamant that he never touch any of the servants in any way, so he did nothing. In time the feeling faded as he grew used to her presence.
The pattern continued. Every year or two some young lady would catch his fancy, but the feeling always faded in time. That was the nature of love: obsession followed by indifference. At least, that was what he had assumed until Mary had asked him how many times he had been in love.
In the middle of counting the various ladies who had inspired such passion in him, he glanced up and saw her watching him, a strange expression on her face, and it suddenly hit him. He loved her, but it was nothing like the love he had experienced before. This time, instead of beginning asattraction, it had started with respect which grew into friendship as they interacted. It was only now, as he had a glimpse of her no longer in black, that something in his mind and heart had clicked into place.
He wanted her in his life. It wasn’t just passion or obsession, though they were a part of the complex wave of emotion he experienced. It was far deeper than that, though at the same time utterly incomprehensible.
Of course, he didn’t understand all the nuance of his feelings in that one intense second. All he really knew was that he suddenly realized he loved her, truly and deeply, and the feeling was stronger and far more complex than he had ever known. He also knew that he could do nothing about it.
Mary was a widow who was still in mourning for her husband, a husband that she had clearly respected a great deal, though whether she had any love for the man was still in question. She was also a lady of principle. She held herself to the highest standards of behavior, especially when it came to questions of morality. It was possible, quite likely in fact, that she would consider entering a courtship during her period of mourning to be a form of unfaithfulness to her husband.
This thought brought him back to wondering if he had pushed her too far in asking her to dance.
She clearly wished to dance with him. He couldn’t mistake the look in her eyes in that moment when he had realized how deeply he was in love with her. She most definitely had powerful feelings for him. He wondered, however, if he was doing the right thing by taking advantage of her feelings to convince her to do something she might think was wrong.
For most of the evening, he was distracted by his thoughts of Mrs. Allen. Even her name was a distraction, for it was aforceful reminder that she had once belonged to someone else, a man who had warned him away from her almost exactly a year ago.
Eventually, the ball was almost over, and the last dance was beginning. Gregory led Mrs. Allen out to the floor. Her hand on his arm felt almost like a burn, though it was the most pleasant burn he could imagine. It felt right to have her by his side, even though it was only to walk the length of the ballroom so they could take their places in the dance.
Gregory’s dance with Mrs. Allen was the sweetest torture. It felt right to simply look at her. It felt right to be paired with her. She was perfect. On the other hand, as they conversed about various light topics, it became clear to him that she was struggling to maintain her pleasant countenance. Something about dancing with him gave her pause and made her uncomfortable.
The dance came to a close, and she managed to smile for him as she said farewell, but he saw how her smile slipped off her face quickly as she turned to find her sister so that they could prepare to depart.
Gregory did not wait for his carriage to be called. Instead, he walked the half mile to his house, thinking furiously the whole way home. By the time he reached his doorstep, he was certain he understood why old Allen had warned him away from Mary last year.
It wasn’t because he was a jealous husband as it had at first seemed. Rather, it was because he wanted his young wife to be happy, and somehow old Allen had known that Gregory would disturb Mrs. Allen’s peace if he continued his attention to her, just as he was doing now.
Mrs. Allen was no longer a married woman. Technically, she was free to develop feelings for any man she chose. However, she was a widow in mourning who still held a great deal of respect for her dead husband. She would not willingly or freely allow herself to develop such feelings until her mourning period was over.
By paying excessive attention to her, Gregory was placing a strain on her such that she was fighting herself over her affection for him and her respect for her late husband.
Gregory had one thing in common with the late Mr. Allen. He wanted Mary Allen to be happy, which is why he would leave London as soon as he could make arrangements. Mrs. Allen must be allowed to mourn in peace.
Chapter 11
Two days after Lady Castleton’s ball, Mary had an unexpected visitor. Mr. Worsley. He stayed for less than five minutes, but he brought the news that he would be returning to Eastbourne earlier than expected.
The news gave Mary a strong pang of disappointment, but at the same time, she was unaccountably relieved. The conflicting emotions were strong enough that tears almost leaked out of her eyes.
