She simply did not know how to respond to him right now. She knew his feelings, but until he was ready to share them openly, she couldn’t say anything about them. Besides, she did not even understand her own feelings for the man.
She had always found comfort in his company, even in those first quiet but confusing moments on the balcony at the assembly. At Lucas Lodge, he had declared that she was his equal, and he had treated her as such ever since.
With the familiarity that came from knowing his thoughts, she had felt comfortable sharing more of her own thoughts than she usually did. In fact, with Mr. Darcy, she had occasionallybeen more open than she was even with her best friend, Charlotte Lucas.
Was she in love with him? She didn’t know. What was more, she was uncertain whether he loved her. She did know he was attracted to her, and that feeling was entirely mutual.
She only doubted how strong the feeling was, because his thoughts seldom, if ever, reflected his actual feelings. Before yesterday, the only time his thoughts had referenced his feelings had been in an oblique way, as in the way he had mentally complained that she was distracting him or when he had marveled at the beauty of her eyes.
Elizabeth began to wonder why his thoughts so seldom reached her. When they had been in each other’s company, he had only had surface thoughts a small portion of that time. While such thoughts gave her insight into the true opinions of the man and his character, they did little to satisfy her curiosity.
She began to understand why she might wish many, many times in the future that she knew what the man was thinking.
His expression was always a tightly controlled blank, although occasionally, when he looked at her, there was a little less tension about his jaw and his eyes. With his expression giving nothing away, and even his thoughts doing little to enlighten her, Elizabeth wondered what the man was thinking during those moments when she could not hear his thoughts.
Jeanie had told her that she would only be able to hear his surface thoughts. Perhaps, when she couldn’t hear him, he wasn’t actually thinking anything. Perhaps, those were the moments instinct or feeling took over, when action or inaction was guided by something deeper.
It was difficult for Elizabeth to imagine such a thing, for her mind was frequently, if not constantly, thinking through onething or another, and her thoughts often took the form of words which floated through her mind.
There were moments, however, when thoughts gave way to feelings or daydreams which had no accompanying words. Perhaps, Mr. Darcy simply spent more time in this state than Elizabeth did.
A part of her was honestly grateful that such was the case. If she had been bombarded by as many thoughts from Mr. Darcy as she had from herself, she would never have been able to even tolerate his presence.
The thought reminded her that Jeanie had once said she was not allowed to cause harm to anyone when fulfilling wishes. That was probably why Elizabeth had only been able to hear a few of Mr. Darcy’s thoughts. Had there been more, Elizabeth would never have been willing to even get to know the man.
Elizabeth paused her thinking for a moment. Then she began to wonder something a little different. If Elizabeth had wished in the future so many times that she could know what Mr. Darcy was thinking, did that mean she would know him for a very long time?
If nothing about their situation changed, Mr. Darcy would likely depart Netherfield sometime in December. If that happened, there was no reason why Elizabeth would ever see the man again.
What could change that would bring her into his company more often for the rest of her life?
There was one tiny thought on that subject, but Elizabeth deliberately avoided putting it into words, even in her mind. Instead, she imagined that such a thing might happen if Jane married Mr. Bingley. Mr. Darcy was Mr. Bingley’s closest friend. Surely, they would spend a great deal of time togetherin the future, which would bring Elizabeth into his company occasionally.
She did not want to admit that this was a flimsy possibility. Not that Jane marrying Mr. Bingley was unlikely. On the contrary, to Elizabeth it seemed almost inevitable. The gentleman clearly cared for Jane’s welfare in addition to his obvious admiration for her.
It was simply that, even if such a marriage did take place, it would be unlikely to lead to Elizabeth being in Mr. Darcy’s company so frequently as to elicit such a specific wish more often than any other.
Not wanting to think about any other possible reasons, she chased the thought out of her mind and turned her attention to Jane.
“Would you like me to read to you this morning?” she asked.
“That would be lovely,” said Jane, “but I thought you would wish to get a little fresh air first or perhaps some breakfast.”
“The fresh air can wait,” said Elizabeth, attempting and failing to adopt a dismissive air. She knew she had failed, because Jane looked out the window where the sun was clearly shining and there was hardly any wind at all. Then she looked back at Elizabeth disbelievingly.
Elizabeth rushed to defend her answer. “It is a lovely day, and I am certain I shall go for a walk later when it is a bit warmer. Now, shall we continue our novel?”
Jane agreed, and they were soon immersed in a world of love, intrigue, danger, and excitement.
~~~~~
Elizabeth never got around to going for a walk, and she was grateful that Jane didn’t press the idea. She simply couldn’t bear taking the risk that she would run into Mr. Darcy if she left Jane’s room.
She couldn’t run away from the man forever, however. Eventually the dinner hour approached, and she had to confront the idea of once again being in his presence.
Just before she left Jane to get dressed for dinner, a note was delivered to the sisters.
November 15, 1811
