Suddenly, she realized that she hadn’t heard any of his thoughts since their conversation yesterday morning.
She did not know why, but the realization made her suddenly frightened. Had she done something wrong? Did he no longer think of her at all?
Elizabeth, stop being ridiculous,she told herself. Even if he was mad at her, even if he no longer thought of her in any way, she should still be able to hear him compose a letter. What had changed?
She thought back to what Jeanie had told her when she granted the wish. She had said that the ability would be temporary, but Elizabeth could no longer remember how temporary. She racked her brains for any hint of a memory that would help.
No matter what she did, she could not remember Jeanie’s exact words, but she gained a vague impression that, perhaps, it had something to do with how well she understood Mr. Darcy. Perhaps, now that she knew he was contemplating marriage, now that she knew he had deep feelings for her, she no longer needed to hear his thoughts.
Her musings were interrupted by the man himself. He had apparently finished his letter, and he was sitting down on the sofa next to her. The sounds of piano playing told her where Miss Bingley was without Elizabeth even having to look for her.
“You seem rather deep in thought,” he said. “I would have thought you would be more cheerful at seeing your sister nearly recovered. Is something the matter?”
She almost brushed aside his comment without another thought. She was even beginning to paste a smile on her face, but she stopped. She had always been honest with Mr. Darcy, and now was not the time to change that behavior. Still, she couldn’t exactly tell him everything.
“I am afraid I have something weighing on my mind,” she said. “While I am very happy to see Jane getting better and even more pleased to see her getting along so well with the man she admires above all, I have been thinking of my sister, Mary.”
“Has she fallen ill while you were away?” he asked.
Elizabeth chuckled. “Far from it,” she said. “We received a note just before dinner telling us that she was engaged.”
“Is this welcome news?” Mr. Darcy asked. “You don’t seem to have the demeanor of a sister who is rejoicing for a forthcoming happy alliance.”
“It is very welcome news,” said Elizabeth. “Alan Goulding, the man she is to marry, has adored her for years, though their friendship has often been rocky in the past. However, he seems to have grown up into a fine young man since his return from London a few months ago. Truly, I am happy for her.”
“I have heard quite a bit of Mr. Goulding from Mr. Hurst and Bingley. Mr. Hurst, in particular, was fairly good friends with the young man in London. His tales, I’m afraid, do not paint Mr. Goulding in a particularly good light. Still, since becoming acquainted with him here, I have learned that he seems to have learned a great deal from his mistakes. If he can remember the lessons of his youth, I think your sister has every promise of a happy life with him.”
“I am certain you are correct,” said Elizabeth. “But it is not that which has me so contemplative. Rather, it became clear to me that if Mary and perhaps Jane were no longer at Longbourn, I don’t think I would want to be at home quite as much. Do you recall what I mentioned yesterday, that I was afraid of marriage because of all I would have to give up? Well, it seems that I overlooked an important detail. Whether I marry or not, I will eventually have to give up all my sisters. When that happens, Longbourn will no longer feel quite so difficult to leave.”
“So, your willingness to agree to marriage depends not on the increased value of the man who requests your hand but rather on a decrease in the perceived value of what you would be giving up,” said Mr. Darcy.
Elizabeth felt as though she had been punched. There was no escaping the disappointment and sadness in Mr. Darcy’s voice or face, and knowing that she had made him feel that way distressed her more than she would have imagined.
“I can see how it might seem that way based on what I said,” said Elizabeth. “However, even if I absolutely hated living at home, which I don’t and never will, I would never marry a man I did not respect or could not love. It is only that, while musing over my sister’s happiness, I realized that my own opinions on that state might have been incorrect.”
“What, then, are your current opinions?” he asked.
“I think that, given the right marriage partner, it could be a truly blissful state for a time,” said Elizabeth. “Then, and only if respect and love endure, it could settle into being a very happy and fulfilling lifelong partnership. I have the perfect example for such a thing in watching my Uncle Gardiner over the years”
“I was old enough when he first introduced his wife to the family that I can well remember how much they adored eachother,” she continued. “I have seen how their relationship and life together have grown into something truly admirable and even enviable since then. In fact, I am quite good friends with his wife, since she is only eight years older than I am. I honestly don’t know why I forgot about him when I was expressing my doubts yesterday morning.”
“That is a great deal of change in your opinion to take place in two days, Miss Elizabeth,” said Mr. Darcy. “It almost feels as if you don’t truly know how to feel, and you are simply making up ideas as your feelings shift about.”
How could he say something so piercingly true and yet so awkward at the same time?
Elizabeth did not know how to respond, so she simply stared down at her hands. As the silence between them lengthened, she could feel Mr. Darcy shift his gaze from her face out into the room, which helped her relax a bit more.
Eventually, without turning his head back toward her, he said, “I think it is futile to try to define one’s opinions about marriage, in general. No matter what one may think about the institution, one’s opinion will always change in the presence of someone one simply cannot live without. I have seen it countless times among the men of my acquaintance.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Elizabeth saw his gaze shift momentarily to Mr. Bingley. “In fact, I believe I am seeing it as we speak.”
“You are correct, Mr. Darcy,” she said. “I apologize for burdening you with my unformed and unfounded opinions.”
His head swiveled back to her so quickly that Elizabeth could not truly track the movement. “That is not in the least necessary. Opinions and feelings are fundamentally ephemeral. If you never spoke of them until they were fixed, you wouldnever speak at all. That would be the greatest tragedy. I like hearing your opinions, Miss Elizabeth. I like knowing what you are thinking. I like how relaxed I feel around you.”
Suddenly he clamped his mouth shut as if to prevent any more words from escaping.
“Thank you, Mr. Darcy,” said Elizabeth quietly. “I feel much the same about you…in every respect.”
