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Three in the morning had found her sitting in the middle of her second-floor hallway, riffling through boxes of pictures she’d pulled from the closet.
The dust that coated the boxes told her how long it had been since she’d opened them. She didn’t like to look backward. There was no point to it. Plus…it hurt. It hurt so badly that the moment she’d opened the first box and caught sight of a picture of her mom, she’d begun to cry.
But she’d sorted through the pictures, letting herself feel how much she missed them. They hadn’t been perfect. Her dad had worked too much and missed dinner more often than not. Her mom had yelled when she got stressed and snuck cigarettes on the porch when she thought no one was watching.
But they’d loved each other, and they’d loved their kids, and that was more than some people ever got.
That was what she’d always told herself when she’d felt like wallowing in self-pity. Look at all the people who’d never known their fathers. Look at all the kids being raised in foster care. Her family had been great for so many years, so how could she feel sorry for herself?
But it wasn’t so hard to pity herself, apparently. She looked at her parents’ faces and felt the sharp grief of loss, hardly dulled since that first year without them. She looked at Eric’s face and missed his carefree, easy smile. He hadn’t smiled like that since then. Not once. And Jamie…she knew he was changed, though she couldn’t put her finger on it. He was angrier, certainly. As likely to start a fight as to finish it.
Luke was right. She was afraid they’d leave. She was afraid they’d be swept away on a sudden wave and never come back again. But maybe she’d been trying to prevent that catastrophe in the wrong way.
At five o’clock, she got in the shower and stayed there until the hot water inched toward cool. By the time she dried her hair and pulled on a sweater and jeans it was after six. Eric left for his jog by seven every morning. She hoped he wouldn’t mind her interfering with his exercise.
His
lights were on by the time she walked over, so she knocked and held her breath.
Eric frowned furiously at her when he opened the door. She felt her heart drop, but then he pulled her inside and glared into the darkness as if to warn criminals off. “What are you doing out this early? It’s still dark.”
“All the muggers are in bed now. It’s all right.”
Eric started to stuff his hands in his pockets, but when he realized he was wearing sweats, he crossed his arms and cleared his throat.
“Um…” Tessa couldn’t think how to start. “Do I smell coffee?”
“Oh, sure. Of course. Just…have a seat.”
Perfect. They’d been reduced to the role of awkward acquaintances. She slumped into a chair and waited for Eric to bring her a cup of coffee as if she were a guest.
He delivered her cup and then perched on the chair opposite her as they both sipped and avoided each other’s eyes. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she set down the coffee. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
“It’s all right.”
“No, it’s not.”
He shrugged, still avoiding her eyes.
“I just… Ever since Mom and Dad died, I’ve wanted to make things easy for you.”
“For me? I’m fine.”
“I know,” she said automatically. But then she shook her head. “Eric, you took on a family when you were supposed to be out partying and living your own life.”
“Come on, Tessa. Lots of guys get married at that age. It was no big deal.”
“Of course it was a big deal! Why do you say things like that? You gave up everything—”
“I gave up an apartment and a few weekends.”
“Eric…” She set down her cup and rubbed her eyes, trying to hold tears at bay. “I lied because I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“You and Jamie fight all the time. If you keep fighting like this…”
He raised his eyebrows in question.
