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She took a deep breath and blinked back tears at his words, because she knew exactly what he meant. Hadn’t she been faking her way through life for a while now?
When she’d first started working at the White Orchid, she’d loved every single day. The idea of sexual freedom had been a revelation. That there were people in the world who thought sex was good and right and something everyone should enjoy.
She’d left high school so ashamed, so beaten down by what she’d done. And Christopher… He’d recovered within a week, his guilt seemingly wiped clean by awkward apologies to her family and with no price to pay among their peers. He’d been a stud, while Beth had been a slut of the highest order.
Leaving for college had been a relief, but it had been terrifying all the same. Boys, in particular, had terrified her. It had seemed they were predators lying in wait, constantly on the alert for any sign of weakness. Any hint that a girl might be interested in sex or that she might drink too much or just…just like him. As if she had to control their needs as well as her own, because God knew she’d be punished for giving in to either one.
Sex had felt like a trick and men like con artists, and her body…her own body was a Judas of the worst sort.
She shuddered to think what her life would’ve been like if she hadn’t stumbled onto a human sexuality class. It had been disguised as part of her major: anthropology. But it had really been an exploration of different societies’ attitudes toward sex, and how it affected their gender stereotypes.
Beth had been hooked. The next class had been all about women’s sexuality through history. Then another on gender roles and power. Finally, she’d learned enough that she’d asked to see a counselor in the student services center, and just talking about what had happened to her had freed her.
When she’d finally taken a two-week-long internship at the White Orchid, Beth had felt like she’d found a place where she almost belonged. Almost. If she just tried hard enough. She’d been working toward completely belonging for years. She’d dated the men her friends had expected her to date, not the men she really wanted. But now…
Beth eased Eric’s arm down until he finally let it fall. His eyes were wary and tired when they met hers. “I felt the same way that night,” she admitted. “I feel that way now. Like it’s just us here. Like I’m not who everyone expects Beth Cantrell to be.” Ironic, maybe, considering she was sexual with him, but true all the same.
He wasn’t part of her circle of friends. He wasn’t real life. And that was why she liked the secret of this, she realized. Not only would he not tell anybody, but even if he did, they wouldn’t be people she knew. They couldn’t smile to her face and then discuss her when she left the room.
All these years and those last months of high school were still eating at her like acid. How pitiful was that?
“But you’re just who you are,” he said. “Aren’t you?”
Beth rolled to her back and stared at the ceiling. “No. Not really. I…” She cleared her throat and tried again. “I…”
Seconds ticked by, and Beth could hear her own heart thumping a sad beat in her ears. Eric touched her then, his hand spreading over hers, their fingers sliding together. She held on tight.
She couldn’t trust this man, could she?
She tried one more time. “I…wasn’t always this person. I used to be someone different.”
“Who?” he asked.
/> God, she wished it was dark, but the blinds were open and the afternoon sun was too bright to offer more than faint stripes of shade across the bed. “I was quiet. Shy. Plain. I was lonely, and then I fell in love, and a boy broke my heart.”
“Bastard,” he murmured, and Beth smiled.
“I thought I’d never trust anyone again.”
“And you haven’t.”
“No,” she said, realizing the truth even as she spoke the words. “No, but I’m starting to trust myself.”
She felt him turn toward her, but Beth didn’t look at him. She felt raw and naked in a way she hadn’t felt even when she was on her knees for him.
“Only now?” he asked.
“Only now. But maybe my timing is good.”
He squeezed her hand. “Does that mean you’ll tell me what was stressing you out earlier?”
She shrugged. “The owner of the White Orchid is thinking of selling the store.”
“I’m sorry. That’s some shitty uncertainty. What will you do?”
“I don’t know.” She deliberately misunderstood him, but her answer was still the same. “We’re like a family there. I can’t imagine leaving.”
“Do you think you’d have to?”
