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She couldn’t believe it had happened again. Her sexual desire used like a whip against her. In that moment, Beth hated everyone. Kendall, Monica, E
ric. Her mother and father. Christopher. Cairo, with her happy smiles and confidence. And Beth even hated herself. Especially herself.
But beneath the hate, she was hollow again, and maybe, in the end, that was the safest way to be.
Beth sighed as she watched kids wade into the shallow, icy water of the creek. It didn’t matter what time of year it was, there was always someone challenging themselves to dare that water. She’d done it herself just last spring. Like so many things in life, that first step was an awful, painful shock. It seemed unbearable. But eventually the cold became an ache. And finally, if you stuck it out, you adjusted, you got a little numb, and it was fine.
That was what she should have done. She should have been brave. Instead, she’d panicked and now she had to live with the lie she’d told to protect herself.
“To protect my dad,” she murmured, not believing it in the least.
The truth was that she’d buckled to Roland Kendall out of fear, and like any decision made out of fear, it had been a terrible idea.
In that moment of panic, she’d decided that Kendall’s threat had been a sign. She’d been unhappy for months, Annabelle was thinking of selling the shop, and she and her father were finally getting to know each other again.
But it had been wrong. So wrong for so many reasons. Dishonest and cowardly and hurtful to Eric, not to mention illegal. Now, in the light of a new day, she couldn’t believe she’d let Kendall have that power over her. She had to take it back.
She would have to be honest with her father. Maybe in the end, it would be a good thing. Maybe she’d be happier being honest. Or maybe he’d never speak to her again.
As she walked to her car, Beth tried not to think of that look on his face when the principal had handed her dad the photographs he’d confiscated. Beth had clutched her stomach and breathed carefully through her mouth, trying not to be sick on the principal’s floor. Her mother had frowned in confusion when she’d looked at the photos. But her father… Her father’s face had fallen into terrible, devastating grief. As if the photos had captured the pale corpse of a beloved daughter, instead of a simple moment of stupid teenage lust. And when he’d turned to Beth, he’d looked at her with hate, as if she’d been the one to kill his sweet little daughter.
He’d eventually forgiven her, or at least they’d reconciled. But this time, the truth might very well be too much for him.
It was a ninety-minute drive to Hillstone, and her knuckles were white the whole way. She couldn’t feel her fingers, she didn’t care.
She didn’t have to call ahead to see if her parents were home. They were always home. Her father had retired as vice president of the local bank years ago. Her mother had long ago devoted most of the hours of her day to her garden and to knitting. They were the perfect retired couple, happy and snug in the house they’d owned for forty years. It was a warm, comforting bubble, and Beth was about to walk up and burst it.
Just as she came over a hill and spotted the first buildings of town, Beth’s phone rang. When she saw Eric’s name on the screen, she hit Decline and drove on. She didn’t want to talk to him. He knew nothing about her family or her real life. He thought she was nothing more than a walking, talking sexual adventure. The irony of it was like a dull knife to her heart. She’d been real with him. For once, she’d been a real person in bed. Too real, apparently, since it was all he could see about her.
Beth pulled into her parents’ driveway just as the last glimmers of twilight faded beyond the trees. She’d only just started to enjoy coming home again, but that was about to change. Another bad memory to add to the pile. The worst part was that there were so many good memories buried underneath. She wished she could get to them without having to wade through the others.
Though she dragged her feet, her parents’ sidewalk was only ten feet long. She was at their door within seconds. It felt odd to knock like a stranger, then wait for the sound of her father’s footsteps.
He opened the door, and his face broke into such a happy grin that Beth wanted to weep. “Hi, Daddy.”
“Beth! What are you doing here? Linda, Beth is here!” He pulled her into a hug, and the familiar scent of his clothing made her put her arms around and squeeze as tight as she could. This could be her last chance to feel his strong arms around her. This could be the last time he’d want to touch her. Eighteen years ago, he hadn’t looked at her for months.
Her mom came bustling over to hug Beth, as well. “What are you doing here, sweetheart?”
“Oh, I just wanted to see you,” she said, a lie so transparent that even her parents looked uncomfortable.
“Well, come in,” her mom said. “We just had ice cream. Would you like a bowl?”
She followed her mom to the kitchen, but shook her head. “No, thank you.”
“Coffee, then.” She was reaching for the Sanka before Beth answered. “Are you staying over? I’ll go put clean sheets on your bed.”
“No, I’m not staying, Mom.”
She sat down at the table, and her dad sat next to her, immediately taking her hand. “Is everything okay?”
Beth met her mom’s wide eyes and looked away. “I need to tell you something.”
For a moment, her dad looked a little excited. Maybe he thought she was going to marry Eric. Or maybe he thought she had to marry Eric, which wouldn’t be the correct order of things, but would still result in Beth being a happily married mother, after all.
“I did something really stupid just because I’m afraid of telling you the truth. Like a scared little girl. It’s not even a bad thing, really.”
“What is it?” her father asked.
