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“Not entirely true,” the heart answers. “You have another fear, greater than the rest. A fear wrapped in desire; a desire wrapped in fear. Will you say it?”
Felicity pales noticeably. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” she answers.
“You must answer truthfully!” the fairy hisses.
The heart speaks again. “Shall I name your fear?”
Felicity falters a little, and I do not know what could frighten her so.
“You fear the truth of who you are. You fear that they will find out.”
“Very well. You’ve said it; now let me pass,” Felicity commands. The door swings open again.
The others take their turns. They confess their longings and fears one by one: to marry a prince, being alone, a loving home with flowers along the walk, the dark, a never-ending banquet, hunger. Pippa admits that she fears losing her beauty. When she states her desire, she looks straight at me. “I should like to go back.” And the door opens wide.
Ann is so ashamed she whispers till the gate asks her to speak more loudly.
“Everything. I fear everything,” she says, and the heart sighs.
“You may pass,” it says.
At last it is my turn. The heart thumps in anticipation. My own beats just as fiercely.
“And you? What is your greatest fear?”
Circe warned that I must answer honestly, but I don’t know what to say. I fear that my father will not heal. I fear that Kartik doesn’t care for me, and I fear equally that he does. That I am not beautiful, not wanted, not lovable. I fear that I will lose this magic I’ve come to cherish, that I will be only ordinary. I fear so much I cannot choose.
“Go on! Out with it!” The flittery creature places her hands on her waist in impatience and bares her teeth at me.
Felicity puts her pale face to the bones on the other side. “Gemma, come on. Just say something!”
“What is your fear?” the gate asks again. A cold wind blows from the other side, chilling me. The clouds churn and boil, gray and black.
“I fear the Winterlands,” I say carefully. “I fear what I will find there.”
The gate’s cold breath pushes out in a long, satisfied sigh, as if it smells my fear and loves it.
“And your wish?”
I do not answer straightaway. The bitter wind slaps my cheeks, makes my nose run. The heart of the Winterlands is impatient.
“Your wish,” it hisses on.
“I…I don’t know.”
“Gemma!” Felicity pleads from the other side.
The fairy zips around my head till I’m dizzy. She digs her claws into my shoulder. “Tell! Tell!”
I bat her away and she snarls at me.
“I don’t know! I don’t know what I want, but I wish I did. And that is the truest answer I can give.”
The heart beats more quickly. The gate rattles and moans. I am afraid I have angered it. I shrink back. But the gate creaks open, the bones banging in the harsh wind.
Felicity grins at me and reaches out her hand. “Let’s go before it changes its mind!”
My foot hovers near the entrance, then comes down on the rocky ground of the other side. I’m inside the Winterlands. There are no flowers here. No green trees. It is black sand and hard rock, much of it covered in snow and ice. The wind shrieks and howls across the tops of the cliffs and nips at my cheeks. Great handprints of dark clouds move on the horizon. Small puffs of steam rise to meet them, creating a billowing mist that casts everything in a thin wash of gray. There is a feeling to this place, a deep loneliness that I recognize in myself.
