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He understood her concern over the possibility of losing her job, but he could lose his fucking brotherhood. The colors on his back could end up being meaningless and a waste of ink.
“Ain’t gonna lose your job. Your fuckin’ cousin’s the damn chief. And your brother and cousins are also on the force. They might as well rename the damn department Bryson PD,” Rook told her, pulling Cujo out of her lap and putting him on the floor. The Chihuahua sat at his feet and stared up at him with his big brown eyes like he was an innocent motherfucker.
Yeah, he was just as innocent as Rook.
“I swore an oath and I’m breaking it by not only being with you, but by me looking the other way. Or, worse, gleaning intel from my chief to hand over to you and your club.”
“What do you wanna do, Jet? What? Just fuckin’ tell me. You hid a key for me. You didn’t stop me from comin’ here. You coulda locked me out, installed an alarm, turned over and went back to fuckin’ sleep. You didn’t. You wanted this as much as me. We knew it was risky. We knew we might get caught. We did. So, now what? What the fuck do you wanna do? Got no fuckin’ clue. So tell me, you wanna end this right here and now? Want me to take my dog, get the fuck out of your place and just walk away? I could do that. My life would be a lot easier without you in it. So would yours. It’s the simple fuckin’ solution.”
She blinked and her face paled even more than it already was. “You could just walk away?”
Standing in the middle of her bedroom with his hands on his hips, he closed his eyes and just breathed for a moment. When he finally opened them, he asked, “Can you?”
Her expression became hard. “Do you think I would’ve put up with any of that bullshit with Trip and Judge if I could? Don’t you think I wanted to tell them where to fucking go? I didn’t. You know why? Because of you.”
“So, now what?” Rook asked. He was so fucking tired. Between the adrenaline rush waiting for the Shirleys to attack, from waiting out in the freezing cold weather, to the shit with Trip and Judge… And now this.
Honestly, going back to prison would be less complicated. Less stressful.
He knew what to expect inside. He knew what was expected of him.
Real fucking life was much harder.
He ground the heels of his palms into his eyes and groaned. When he was done, he asked softly, “What do you wanna do, Jet? If you ain’t gonna be good about keepin’ your mouth shut about the club or willin’ to gather info from your cousin on the Shirleys, then say it right fuckin’ now. I gotta know where we stand.”
“If I’m not?”
“Then I know where we stand.” His chest was cracking wide open and he rubbed at the pain radiating through it. He reached down and scooped up Cujo.
When he turned for the bedroom door, she called out, “Wait.”
He glanced over his shoulder and saw her on her feet and on the move. He put Cujo back on the floor and turned.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said when she was toe to toe with him.
Her light blue eyes were troubled and he could see the conflict on her face. He was pretty fucking sure his held the same.
“Don’t wanna go, darlin’,” he whispered. “Why don’t you talk to Max in the mornin’ and see what you can find out. Let’s get past that hurdle first. Give Trip and Judge some info that will appease them.”
“You don’t want to give up your club.” It wasn’t a question because she already knew the answer.
“Just like you don’t wanna give up your badge.”
“Of course I don’t. But, Rook, I don’t want to give you up, either.”
“Why? Why, darlin’? Why the fuck do you want me? This would be so much fuckin’ easier if you didn’t.”
“Because I love you.” She lifted her palm to stop him from speaking. “I love you but I hate who you are. I straddle that thin line between those two emotions, just like you do. I hate that things between us can’t be easy, just like you do. I hate that you can’t walk away from your brothers, but I also respect that. I hate your past, but I recognize that it is your past. I worry about your future. I worry about our future. This will never be easy. Never. Maybe it’ll get to the point where it becomes so hard, so impossible, that we hate each other again.”
“You never hated me, darlin’.” No, he never saw hate in her eyes once. Not all the times he caught her staring at him at the garage. It wasn’t hate but regret that she was interested in him but knew she couldn’t have him.
