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This was about how I couldn’t be that person with Lloyd.
“There will always be someone better for both of us, as long as we stay together, because what we have isn’t it. There is somebody else for me. Who likes the person that I really am. The person that hides herself because she’s not what you want. She’s inside of me and it’s time that person come out and live.”
He stood up and paced for a moment. I knew him well enough to know that his pacing meant that he’s acknowledged that it’s over and now it was about how he would look to everybody if we were through. How could he spin this so that he wouldn’t have to admit that he failed at something? His image is so important to him.
“If it means anything, you’ve been good to me, and I do care about you very much,” I said. I knew when I said it that it didn’t mean anything to him, but it did to me. Appearances mattered too much to him and I was ruining it.
That’s when it happened. “To be honest with you, Natasha, lately I’ve been thinking some of the same things.” He gave me that awkward laugh. “It’s funny.”
“What’s that?”
“When you asked me to tell you what we do fun,” he paused. “I asked myself that same question. That made me think that we need to give each other some space for a while. See other people for a while.” He raised his right hand to testify. “That’s the only reason I asked if you were seeing anybody. Anyway, that’s what we’ll do. We’ll keep things loose and causal for a while and see how that goes. Sound good?”
“Honestly, Lloyd, you can put whatever spin you like on this, but for me, it’s over.” I stood up. “Goodbye, Lloyd. I’ll make arrangements to get my things and that chair out of your condo as soon as possible.”
I turned and walked out to the sound of silence and I gotta say, I have never been more relieved. Contrary to what you might believe, I didn’t want to fail at this relationship either. I didn’t want to hurt Lloyd.
That’s why I didn’t follow my heart the day I saw those brown eyes across the room. It’s why each time I was tempted to completely cross the line, I didn’t.
So what’s next?
For now I would spend time doing me. Going to the salon when I felt like it and not when Lloyd thought it was time for me to get it straightened professionally for an event. Going to the movies alone at the times I wanted and not worrying about whether he would be offended because his free time was supposed to be his time with me. I could be silly anytime I wanted without being reminded of my age.
I could be me.
Chapter Eleven
Victor
It’s been three weeks.
Three long weeks since I woke up from the dream. Three weeks since I’ve seen or really heard from Natasha. Yeah, we exchanged a few generic texts and voice messages, but that was two weeks ago. Since then, nothing. This may sound corny, but it’s been three weeks since I’ve been happy.
Since it was Monday, and I had to go to work, I opened my eyes and began to act like going to work was something important. Truth was, it wasn’t. Nothing really matters. And yes, I know, I sound depressing and weak, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s how I feel.
I dragged myself into the bathroom and once the shower was the right temperature, I got in. Now, here’s the bright spot in my day. I love long hot showers; always have. It’s the place where I think things through, resolve issues and basically plan my day. Or at least it used to be. Now it is the only place that I allow myself the luxury of thinking about her without restriction. The rest of the day, I make every effort to push thoughts of Natasha out of my mind; otherwise I wouldn’t get anything done.
Standing naked in the shower with the sensation of water pulsating against my skin, I close my eyes and my mind begins to drift to thoughts of that night.
I can hear Forever Mine playing faintly in the background and our eyes lock. Each time I think about that second, that one second, looking into each other’s eyes. I’ve tried to explain it, but everything I come up with never really comes close to describing what I felt in that one second. All I can say is that in that one second I felt peace.
Crazy, right?
I turned and put my face in the water and in my mind’s eye I can see her luscious chest rise and fall and my head begins to sway to her rhythm.
I got what you want, you got what I want, An’ we were made for each other.
Her eyes, Natasha’s beautiful eyes invite me to kiss her, go on and kiss her. Then suddenly we explode and our tongues are dancing and there’s hands everywhere and it feels so good, so real, perfect to finally be able to touch her. I hold up my hands to the water and I relive the sensitivity of my hands lingering on her succulent breasts. I can picture them, her nipples, what they’ll look like, how they’ll feel as I glide my tongue across each one.
And then it happens, the moment I’d been waiting for, and coincidentally, the reason for all this. My hand drifts under her skirt; I felt Natasha push against my fingers and I thrust my fingers into her. I open my eyes, turn off the shower and wonder what happened.
; As I get dressed to leave, the second guessing begins.
Maybe I moved too fast, maybe things went too far. Maybe that’s why she ran.
The only answer that I can come up with is; yes. I moved too fast and now she’s gone. For the moment, I accept that fact without question this time and once I’m dressed, I leave for work.
