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But all that changes is that it blows up in your face. Honestly, she should be used to this by now.

The wind through the driver’s side window made Lucy more nervous, so she rolled it up and tried the radio, but every song jangled and the DJs sounded like children.

What do they know about life? she thought listening to them talk about it. What do they know about anything?

What did she?

This past year had been a blur of worry, and constantly putting off her arrival at rock bottom had exhausted her and blinded her and made her doubt every part of herself. And now that the dust had settled in a way that she’d never expected, it was as if she had sudden clarity. She could see for miles in every direction.

And all she saw was Jeremiah. How he made her feel, and that was too rare to let go because of pride. On either of their parts.

She’d forget about logic and focus on what she was good at. Feelings. And what she’d felt had been real, and if he didn’t agree, there was no argument to make.

She parked and started up the porch steps.

The house was dark, as one would expect at nearly ten o’clock at night. She’d hoped he’d be up. It was daunting to consider having to muster up the courage to try this again in the morning.

“Lucy.” His voice nearly scared her right off the steps.

“Christ, Jeremiah,” she gasped, her heart pounding under her hand.

She heard the quiet thrum of a rocking chair against the floor and then he was there in front of her. Solemn and steady, his hands tucked into his pockets, his red tee-shirt stretched taut against his chest.

“Lucy,” he sighed. “It’s been a pretty dramatic day already. Why are you here?”

“I…” Every word that came to her mouth felt selfish. I wanted to make you forgive me, like me, kiss me. I want it to go back the way it was. “I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

“I’m fine,” he murmured.

“You don’t sound fine.”

“We talked about Annie and Conner for two hours. Looked at pictures. The kids loved it.”

“And you?”

“Who doesn’t love a trip down memory lane?” His smile was not convincing, and the tension and pain was palpable around him, like heat waves off sun-baked asphalt. She reached for him and he stepped immediately backward.

Her hand hung there, rebuked.

“I think you should leave.”

It’s okay, she told herself when her skin shrank, her heart stuttered. He’s right to be angry. You just have to tell him how you feel. “Is it because I lied?”

“No, actually. I get why you lied. I probably would have done the same thing in your position.”

“Somehow that doesn’t sound like forgiveness.”

He pulled himself away, containing himself, pulling back everything he’d ever shared with her. “I can’t be distracted right now. I can’t be pulled in two directions.”

“Jeremiah, you deserve a life—”

“I see a counsellor every Saturday.” He didn’t let her reply. “A shrink. With a couch and tissues…the works. And it’s a secret. No one knows. Not the boys. Not their grandparents. Because she asks me about my feelings. And I tell her. Every damn week I spill my guts.”

She didn’t understand what he wanted from her. Was she supposed to denigrate him for getting the help he so clearly needed? “That’s…that’s great, Jeremiah. You’ve had a rough two years. I’m glad you have someone to talk to.”

“Yeah, well, I cancelled last week. So I could have sex with you in that hotel. And I was going to do it again this Saturday. And for however many Saturdays you were going to be here. For as many Saturdays as I could get.”

He made it sound so villainous. So evil.

“I didn’t make you cancel those appointments.”

“I know. It’s me, Lucy. I can’t…I can’t have you and be what the boys need.”

“Oh my God, Jeremiah, if you’d told me, we could have had our dates on another night.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Seems to me like you’re making it the point.”

He was silent for a moment, gathering his argument, and she could only stand there and wait. She had no position anymore to convince him. No weapons to sway him.

“I told you, I can’t be distracted. I can’t be torn when it comes to those boys and all you are is distraction.”

She was breathless with pain. Eviscerated by his words. Her heart and guts spilling out onto the shadowed porch.

She forced enough air into her body so she could respond. “So that’s it?”

He shrugged. “It has to be.”

Lucy wanted to protest but she knew it was pointless. She saw it in the chill of his eyes. He was gone for her. A million miles away.

Without saying goodbye or looking back, she turned and walked away, back to her car.

Funny how when this thing started all she’d wanted was distraction. Now what, she wondered—nauseated and rejected, numb and cold in those places he’d warmed—could possibly distract her from this?

Source: www.allfreenovel.com
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