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As Evie’s family chattered around us and her mom and sister set the table while Marcus chased the kids down the hall, I didn’t think I could define freedom the same way anymore. What she had here wasn’t a life in chains. She wasn’t stuck. She wasn’t a prisoner. What she had in Newton Hills was a life with people who cared about her. People who shared things together like birthdays and dance recitals. People who shared grief and tragedy, and celebrated weddings and babies. This is what a family was supposed to be. This is what I never saw up close.
I walked outside, resting my hands on the railing. I took a deep gulp of air, watching my breath curl in the cold. It was supposed to snow tonight.
Had I pulled her away? Should I have left Evie where she was? I couldn’t do what they could for her. I recognized it. I realized it, but that didn’t mean I could change. I wasn’t Mr. Rossi. I didn’t know
how to make a damn lasagna or build a kitchen table with my bare hands.
The door opened and I heard soft footsteps behind me.
“Everything ok?” Evie was at my side.
“I just needed some air.”
“It can be overwhelming, especially with the kids.” She rubbed her arms. “Marcus always gets them riled up before dinner and now Frannie is having to put everyone in time out. It will be quiet for exactly ninety seconds.”
“I’ll be inside in a minute.”
“Jer, you sure you’re ok?”
What right did I have to take her away from all of this? I couldn’t give her half the love and warmth her family could. It wasn’t in me. I wasn’t programmed like she was. It wasn’t in my DNA. Maybe it was a blessing the pregnancy test was negative. She had dodged a bullet not having my baby. There would be one less cold Hartwell in this world.
“Jer.” She curled up under my arm. “You’re freezing. And I heard someone mention trivia. We can take Frannie and Marcus down. Marcus thinks he’s good, but his pop culture skills are dismal.”
“I shouldn’t be here, Evie.”
“What?” I felt her shiver next to me. “My dad will come around. That was his way of saying he’s ok. It’s going to take some time, but—”
“Not your dad.” I cut her off.
“Did someone else say something to you?” She searched my eyes.
I shook my head. “I didn’t know what I was costing you until tonight.” I pulled my arm away from her and took a step back. “I should go.”
“Go?” She put her hands on her hips. “You’re going to leave? We’re about to sit down for dinner.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t be this for you.”
“Be what? What are you talking about?” Her hands flew in the air.
“That.” I pointed to the window where we could see everyone bustling around the table. “I can’t be that for you. I can’t give you anything they do. Every single person in that room can do something I can’t.”
“Who asked you to do that?” She shot back.
“I know it’s what you need.”
“You don’t get to decide what I need. I decide what I need.” Her soft brown eyes were blazing. “I decided I needed you.” She held up her left hand. “Remember this deal we have? ‘Til death do us part?”
I closed my eyes. “It’s because of that. Because I love you. I see it right in front of us.”
“Today sucked,” she whispered. “But it sucked a little less because of you, Jer. Because you were there with me. There’s no one inside who could do what you did for me. I know that, because they were all I had when I went through this before. And I never felt better. I never let it go. I would have stayed home with gallons of ice cream.” She stepped toward me. “You do something they can’t do. You push me when I need to be pushed. You make me laugh. You do the things only a husband can do.”
“I was never supposed to be a husband.”
“I’m your wife, Jer. Yours.” She touched my arm. “I need you.”
There was so much fucking good in her. So much innocence. So much ambition to do the right thing. She was a product of this house. Of this family.
It hurt under my ribs. The thought of leaving her. It was as if someone had shoved a knife in my lungs. I couldn’t bear the thought of taking a step off this porch and telling Evie goodbye. It’s what I should have done. It’s what a good man would have done.
