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I let myself in through the garage and went in search of my teammate’s wife, Nina Laughlin. She’d offered to help me out this week until Hadley got here, and I found her reading a magazine on the living room couch. She looked up as I came in and gave me a knowing smile.
“Rough night, huh?”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “How are the kids?”
“They’re in bed. I had to read Annalise six bedtime stories and lay with her until she fell asleep. Benny’s been down since eight so he’ll probably be up again at midnight.”
“Yeah.” I gave her a weak, but grateful, smile. “Thanks again for doing this tonight.”
“Lauren was my best friend here in St. Louis. She’d kill me if I weren’t here for you and the kids.”
“Well, I appreciate it.”
“Okay, so a couple things we need to discuss.” She paused. “There’s only enough breast milk left for about two days. Lauren was planning to start weaning him soon, so she hadn’t been pumping as much.”
“Seriously?” I’d been so focused on getting through this week, I hadn’t paid attention to how much was in the freezer. “That’s just great. I guess now I need to grow breasts?”
She chuckled but it was without humor. “No, but you’re going to have to transition him to formula. He’s used to the bottle, thank goodness, so it’ll just be a matter of finding the right formula that doesn’t upset his stomach. I have suggestions, but you might want to call the pediatrician…”
“Jesus.” I could change diapers, brush Annalise’s hair, and give both kids baths, but I had no idea about that kind of thing. Formula and feeding and freakin’ breast milk. This was a nightmare.
“I know it’s hard,” she said softly. “But Hadley will be back soon and I’m here. We’ve got your back. Me, Drew, the team, the rest of the WAGs. All you have to do is call.” Her husband Drew was our starting goalie.
I was grateful for her and the others, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the fantasy that Ben and Lauren were coming back. That this had been nothing but a bad dream.
Because I really, really wanted to wake up.
Chapter Four
Hadley
Coffee. Coffee would make everything better.
I kept telling myself that as I changed Benny out of his wet sleeper, putting him in a dry diaper and a clean outfit before feeding him a bottle, all while answering Annalise’s nonstop questions about what her parents were up to in heaven this morning.
I’d gotten back to St. Louis yesterday evening after packing up my entire apartment, working day and night while I was there and only catching a few hours of sleep a day. I sold most of my furniture, moved a few things into a friend’s garage for storage, and then drove back here in Ben’s Cadillac Escalade, which I’d taken to New York so I could fill it with my belongings for the trip back.
Every day since Ben and Lauren died had been exhausting and emotional. I wasn’t just leaving my apartment behind when I’d pulled into the driveway of their posh suburban St. Louis home yesterday, but my life. Not a single day had passed since their deaths when I didn’t cry and wonder if I could really do this. If I could really live this new life. My boss had reluctantly agreed to let me work remotely for now, but seriously…work? Even if I could find the time in between caring for two living humans, how would I sort through pitches from writers about doing your own manicures or decluttering your life? I had no focus and I was exhausted.
“Is there dancing in heaven?” Annalise asked me as we walked into the kitchen and I put Benny in his high chair, buckling his seat belt and putting a couple of toys on the tray for him.
“Absolutely. Dancing anytime you want, and singing, too.”
“Anytime?” Annalise smiled gleefully.
“Anytime.”
“After bedtime?”
“Yes.” I smoothed a hand down her dark curls. “You can get out of bed and dance in heaven if you want to, and you can turn the music up as loud as you want.”
“Are Mommy and Daddy dancing?”
I made my way over to the coffeepot, thinking about how Ben and Lauren loved to dance. I scooped coffee grounds into a filter, closed the lid and pushed the lifesaving On button.
“I’m sure they are. Your mommy loved dancing.” A wave of sadness washed over me as the memories flashed through my mind, but I didn’t let it show. “Remind me to show you their wedding video of their first dance after they got married. It was very romantic.”
“What’s womantic, Aunt Hadley?”
Wes strode into the kitchen, wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs, his hair sticking up in every direction. He was all long lines and carved muscles, and even though I couldn’t stand him most of the time, I had to force myself to look away. I couldn’t get busted checking Wes out. He’d never let me live it down.
