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“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
“Hadley!”
Two more coworkers entered the room, one of them bearing two boxes filled with my favorite donuts to celebrate my return. When I opened it and the sweet, sugary scent wafted out, I smiled fully for the first time since leaving the kids.
“Ugh, those things are loaded with sugar,” Liz said as she walked into the break room.
I grabbed a donut and took a huge bite out of it.
“Delicious,” I said, looking right at my boss.
She held my gaze for a few seconds before saying, “Welcome back, Hadley. You’re in the office across from mine now. And you can hit up the swag room for makeup if you want to make yourself look a little more presentable.”
The office across from hers was smaller than the one I’d earned my way into two years ago, but that wasn’t the reason it was the least favorite office of all the editors. Being across from Liz put you in her direct line of sight, and every time she was pissed off, which was often, whoever was in that office would take the brunt of her ire.
“Guess I’d better get started moving my stuff,” I said.
“Oh, it’s already done. Sierra moved into your old office last month.”
I pursed my lips as I imagined the maintenance guy dumping the drawers filled with my personal items into boxes. And Liz hadn’t even mentioned it until now.
Before, I would have been angry about something like this for weeks. I’d have gone straight into my office to line up drinks with coworkers tonight so I could vent about our reptilian boss.
But I didn’t have it in me to care much anymore, though. My worries about Annalise and Benny were more important. Wes and I had told her we’d only be gone for two weeks. She didn’t know that when I came back for the next hearing, I’d have to leave again soon after. Permanently.
At least they’d be with Wes instead of Susan and Patrick, but even that wasn’t much of a consolation. The kids had started to feel like part of me, and Wes and I had become a team. I’d spent so many years hating him without really knowing him, and I wanted to make up for my mistakes.
I was facing the age-old dilemma of so many other women—not enough of me to go around. I wanted to be in St. Louis with Wes and the kids, but I also wanted to be here in New York hanging on to the job I’d worked so hard to get. Liz wouldn’t be the executive editor here forever. I’d planned on getting her job when she left, and I’d be a very different kind of boss.
For now, though, I just had to survive. I went into my new, windowless office and sat down behind the desk.
Forcing thoughts of the kids from my mind, I got my laptop out and opened my email, hoping to bury myself in work. The first day would be the hardest.
It turned out to be harder than I thought. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d get to see the kids when I went back to St. Louis for the hearing, but not for long enough. I couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye to them over and over, every time I visited and had to return to New York.
I wanted Wes. No one else could understand how I felt. I’d left him, though. I’d left him at a time when it wasn’t just me hurting, but him, too.
The judge was right, though. What we were doing wouldn’t have worked forever.
This whole thing was just fucked. Horrible. My chest ached and tears welled in my eyes as I wished I could talk things through with Lauren. I couldn’t, though. I had a matter of days to make the biggest decision of my life—whether to quit my job and go back to St. Louis to be with the kids, and take a leap of faith that Wes wouldn’t eventually crush my heart—and I was entirely alone in making it.
Later that night, I walked into my vacant hotel room, a paper bag in hand with my dinner. I looked at photos on my phone as I ate the pastrami on rye.
There were photos of Annalise and me at a St. Louis museum, of Benny grinning at Wes while he made a funny face, of the four of us clowning around, and of the kids in their jammies right after bath time. If only I could reach into the photos and hug them.
For the first time since Ben and Lauren died, I kept scrolling until I found some pictures that included them. Tears pooled in my eyes as I saw a picture of all of us from this past Christmas, one of me, Lauren, Ben and Wes all wearing ugly sweaters. We were all so carefree that day, none of us having any idea what was about to happen. There was a photo of Annalise opening the Barbie Jeep Uncle Wes had gotten her, her eyes sparkling and her mouth wide with surprise.
