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“Having a positive outlook reaps positive rewards,” Ryan continued. “Why worry and stress and be negative all the time? It’s literally putting yourself through bullshit for no reason, most of the time. People worry about so much shit that never comes to pass, so then what was the point? If you’re just positive, keep your head up, treat everyone with kindness and smile at the world, then the world smiles right back.” He no longer leaned against the wall. He stood, his frame filling up most of my hallway, his aura filling up even more.
On display was the clear difference between us. Not just our body types, his being bulkier and mine being twinkier, but also our energies, our way of looking at life. He relied on that positivity while I fed off the negative, relishing in the comfort of never being surprised when shit went south.
Ride the wreck.
“If someone isn’t being positive,” Ryan said, hands slipping into his pocket, “then I’m not going to spend much time or energy being around them.” A shrug buttoned his statement.
“You didn’t have to come, then,” I said, my hackles rising. I made a conscious effort to relax, but that only got me more wound up. “Seriously.” I’d heard that line plenty of times before. People finding me too hard to be around, either slowly excising themselves from my life or abruptly doing it from one day to the next. Either way, it never failed to hurt me, to turn me more inward and defensive.
He seemed surprised. “Whoa, whoa, I wasn’t talking about you. I’m glad I came today. I wanted to see you again.”
Ryan’s words rang earnest, but damn it, I couldn’t let my guard down. Not this soon. No matter how defenseless that grin of his made me feel. Hell, even taking him into my drag room was a lot for me. This room had become my sanctuary, where I came to escape and feel like my life wasn’t as shitty as the facts showed. It meant a lot that Ryan trusted me to put him in drag for the first time, but I needed to know he actually wanted to be here and not just doing this out of some unsaid obligation or curiosity.
And I was just used to it. People around me pointing at me and calling me negative, pushing me away because I was a constant rain on their parade. It hadn’t always been like that, but recently that feeling got more and more pronounced. Yes, I moved out of my last place because my stalker’s threats were escalating and I didn’t want to put my roommates at risk, but also… I could feel them separating themselves from me. My negativity and constantly gray outlook grew to be too much to handle, even for my roommates.
Why would a random man handle it any better?
With a sigh, I let it all out. “I know you weren’t directly talking about me, but I can’t deny that I’m a tightly wound ball of anxious thoughts, negative impulses, and a few backstabbing traumas thrown in to keep me on my toes and arm’s length away from most people. So even if you weren’t just speaking to me, I can pretty much assume you’ll say something similar to me in a few weeks.”
Ryan’s eyes narrowed to slits. The crystalline blue took on a sharp edge to them. “Elijah, you’re wrong. Not only about what you think I’d say, but also about how you see the world. And I’m going to show that to you. I am.” The blue shifted, edges diminishing, the softness of a serene sea taking over, the heat rising up my spine.
Damn, when did we’d get so close? I could almost feel his breath on me, could smell the mint from his gum.
I believed him. There and then. Something clicked, and a dusty old chest unlocked inside my cobweb-filled chest, heart fluttering to life. Maybe I was looking at things the wrong way. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to strike back, to flip into defense mode. Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel belonged to a certain someone with the superhuman ability to light up any room with his smile alone.
Or maybe I was making a huge mistake in trusting him so soon? Guess time would tell.
“Now, can you turn me into a woman already?” Ryan asked, cocking his head.
I laughed, another one of the genuine ones—a personal record for me, two in a row. With a nod, I pressed down on the door handle and held my breath, a part of me wondering if this was a good idea and the other part of me shouting that this was the best thing to happen to me since the spring Fenty makeup palette with the limited edition turquoise-blue eyeshadow.
