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She inhaled his scent.
And his warmth seeped into her pores, spreading throughout her body and chasing the chill away…but not the hurt. God, not the hurt. If anything, having him so close made her heart squeeze, and a sob caught in her throat.
There were no words. How could there be?
His hands slipped into her wet hair and she gazed up at him. She let his mouth slide across hers—a tender kiss that brought tears to her eyes. He moved over her lips softly, gently, and when his hand traveled down her body and settled over her flat stomach, she couldn’t help herself.
She whimpered and she tried not to cry, but the tears slid from her eyes, mixing with rain.
Mackenzie dropped to his knees and rested his head against her stomach, and she held him there. She held him for as long as she could stand to, because as much as she loved him, there were things that needed done.
Things that needed to be said.
Things that she couldn’t avoid any longer.
Gently, she pushed at him, and then harder when he wouldn’t let go.
“Mac,” she said, shaking her head, her fingers digging between his arms and her skin.
r /> Something in her voice must have gotten to Mackenzie, and his hands slowly slid from her, to fall at his sides as he knelt on the wet ground in front of her. His shoulders sagged and he looked so damn dejected that she started to reach for him, but then she caught herself in time.
Lily cleared her throat. “We need to talk.”
“Yeah.” He sounded tired, and she stepped back as he slowly got to his feet. Overhead the rain still fell, but the drops were softer now, and she knew that it wouldn’t last much longer.
She waited for him, there with the rain falling over her skin. She waited for him to say something because suddenly all the things inside her were twisted and screwed up, and she wasn’t so sure she would be strong enough to push him away if he didn’t come through for her.
Mackenzie stared down at her for so long, rain dancing on the edges of his lashes, long hair plastered to his face, that the fear inside her began grow.
Was this an official good-bye?
“I’m not going to say sorry, Lily, because sorry doesn’t come close enough. It just can’t, but I…” He exhaled roughly. “I can tell you some things that might explain why I am the way I am.”
The rain stopped abruptly. One moment there were drops sliding across her face, running into her eyes and covering up the tears that freely fell, and in the next moment, there were no more.
There was nothing but silence, and it was the kind of silence that made grown men shift their feet and look away. The kind of silence that was big and heavy.
It took everything Lily had to hold her ground and listen to him, because she was so afraid that this was the end.
“Ben Draper is the worst kind of man you can imagine. He’s a cold son of a bitch who cares about nothing and no one other than himself and his selfish needs.” He paused. “And he’s sadistic as all hell. He likes to hurt. He likes to break things—doors, windows, and…bones.”
The pain in Mackenzie’s eyes was vivid. It was haunting and dark.
And it broke Lily’s heart.
“You know what you said yesterday?” Mac asked. “About how we’re all products of our upbringing? Products of our environment?”
She nodded but remained quiet.
“You’re right. We are, and I…” He ran his hands through the wet hair at his nape. “God, Lily, I think I’m realizing for the first time how hard it is to change. Or, no.” He shook his head violently. “I’m realizing how hard it is to know that I want to change but not knowing if I’m strong enough or good enough.” He paused. “I don’t know if I’m good enough for you and this baby.”
“Do you want to be?” she asked, breath held, hands still clenched at her sides.
“Yeah,” he said slowly. “I do.”
Lily let out a long breath. “Then what are you afraid of exactly?”
“I’m afraid that no matter how much I love you, I’ll end up ruining everything just like my father. I’m afraid that I’ll hurt you, physically and emotionally, and that I’ll screw things up and any child of ours will grow up to be just like me.”
