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It’s not just a penis problem. My heart is knocking hard. Pounding, pounding, pulsing away in my chest so that all I can do is hiccup out a breath of sound that comes out again like another mouth fart. I mean a burp.

“I think what he’s trying to do is ask for your number so he can make arrangements,” Grandma says smoothly as her jewelry gets put in a little red box and slid into a paper bag with tiny brown handles.

“Oh.” Leandra’s eyes flick to me. My eyes flick to the floor. I hope to god that she can’t see the problem going on in my pants. “Okay.” Unbelievably enough, she grabs a paper from behind the counter and scrawls something onto it before tucking it into Grandma’s paper bag.

Grandma takes the bag with her index finger, plucking it off the counter next to the register, then she gives Leandra a sweet smile and a little fluttery fingered wave of her right hand before she walks triumphantly out the store. I follow her without looking back, not sure if what just happened in there was possibly the most humiliating experience of my life or the most wondrous.

“Here.” Grandma pulls the paper out and scans it. “Looks legit. No five five five bullcrap. Everyone knows that isn’t real. It seems like she forgives you. She likes plants. Who would have figured. A kindred spirit. And I get to keep the new pooper on top of it all. I’d call that a pretty successful day, wouldn’t you?”

Honestly, I don’t know what I’d term successful at this point. I’m not even sure if I’m coming or going or if I’m right side up or down with everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours. What I do know is that I want to see Leandra again more than I’ve wanted anything in a very long time and if that number is legit, then it’s my ticket to doing just that. And yes. Maybe she likes plants. Which would be cool. And amazing.

Also, what kind of a woman sends a toilet to someone who insults her? A very amazing, clever, fantastic, epic woman, that’s what kind. Did I mention that she might also like cacti?

“Yes.” I agree with Grandma, looping my arm through hers as I’ve been doing for years because she once swatted me upside the head and told me to help an old lady down the street properly, then cursed me out for telling her she wasn’t as old as her. Happily cursed me out. Because Grandma is hardly ever without a smile.

“Shit!” She breathes, stopping dead in her tracks, and I’m over here thinking she’s having a heart attack or someone’s about to drop a piano in our path from above (it could happen, I swear), or that we’ve forgotten something monumental, and then she turns to me with her smile halfcocked with dry grandma humor. “I forgot to ask if she liked pancakes or not.”

CHAPTER 6

Leandra

Crispy cripes on crackers with cheese.

That’s about as good as I can work up when it comes to curses. Well, I actually like fuck sparklesticks too, but I save that one for special occasions.

Anyway, I’m cursing because this is my day off and I didn’t plan to spend it loading boxes of my old stuff that my mom held onto for years and years and more years into my car then driving it back to my condo, carting it all the way up to my place- which is on the twelfth floor of a fourteen story building- thank god for elevators, and filling up my living room.

I have a hot date tonight and my head is already pounding. Okay, so maybe it’s more of a lukewarm date. I don’t know that going to check out a greenhouse can be considered fast or hot action. Hot action was our first date that wasn’t a date, but in hindsight might actually be kind of a date. This one is going to consist of cacti and plants. That’s hardly a place to get it on, unless one of us wants prickles in the butt and knowing my luck it would probably be me. I’d like to spend the evening prickle free, thank you very much.

After I’m finished hauling all the boxes into my living room, I have approximately an hour and a half before Daniel is going to pick me up. Daniel, the man with the smoldering dark eyes and no name. Daniel the man who of course has a name, who sent me the wrong flowers and I got so steaming mad at that I sent a toilet to his house. Daniel who brought his adorable grandmother to my boutique to apologize. Seeing him in person first made my rage flare up, then my heart started beating so loudly in my own ears that I was afraid the whole store would hear it. Meaning Daniel. And his granny. I knew that saying no and just accepting his apology but moving on and not seeing each other again like we’d originally planned was probably for the best, but I couldn’t stop myself from calling him back when he was going to go out the door and I knew full well I’d likely never see him again.

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