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“I don’t want to know if there’s nothing after this world, that my mother is now just a pile of bones in her grave. I choose to believe the essence of her lives on, if not in what we call heaven, then at least… I don’t know, hanging around here, watching over me, relaxing in her garden. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around… not existing. It’s actually eerie when I try. Not many things make me uncomfortable when it comes to the human condition, but imagining nothingness—that, piccolina, freaks me the fuck out, if you will,” I admit with a chuckle.
She nods, her lips pursing as she nibbles the inside of her cheek. “I get that. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a sort of purgatory all my life. Not really living, just existing. But it is odd to try to imagine… nothing. Like, you wouldn’t even be staring at the lid of your coffin, because even that is something.” She shrugs. “So yeah, I guess you’re right. There’s gotta be something after you’re gone. Otherwise, what’s the point of all this? I believe what we do in this life is a test, and maybe we get to choose at the end of it whether we go to so-called heaven, or maybe we get to come back as something or someone else. Or if we were really bad, maybe that’s when there’s no second chance or choice, and that’s when hell comes into play.”
I think over her words, applying them to myself and letting out a heavy sigh. “Where do you think I’d go, sweet Bella?”
She ponders my question a moment, seeming to truly think about her answer before she speaks. “I think you’d get the second chance. You spend your days doing all you can to save the lives of the sick, and then at night, you take the lives of evildoers. In my mind, those kind of cancel each other out, leaving you in a neutral position. You don’t get into heaven, but you don’t go to hell. You have to retake your test, doctor.” She gives me a small smile.
“And what about you?” I ask, taking my pointer finger and grazing the tip down her pert nose.
She sighs. “I’m definitely hoping for a do-over. Because this life… this life sucked. I don’t know what I did in my past life to deserve this shittiness, but hopefully because I haven’t done anyone harm in all my years, I’ll at least come back as like… someone’s pampered pooch or something.”
A laugh bubbles out of me that I wasn’t expecting, and it bounces her head that’s still using me as a pillow. I can’t remember the last time I laughed like this, if ever. This woman has been in my life such a short time but has already brought me more joy in this one night than I’ve felt in all my life.
If this conversation is anything to go by, we could talk about anything and everything, never tiring of diving into deep topics just for the hell of it. I’ve never had that with anyone before, and it makes me think that having Arabella in my life will be good for me. Not just because I want her beyond reason, and not just because I’m completely and utterly obsessed with her and crave to keep her as mine, but because I feel like I could learn a lot about myself just from talking to her about mundane subjects I’ve never actually thought about before.
“I must tell you.” I look away then meet her eyes once again. “You, piccolina, make me want to be a better man. I never cared much before, whether I erred on the side of good or evil, but in this moment, all I want to do is give you a better life. A life so good you’ll forget the first two decades… ‘sucked,’ as you so articulately put it.” She swats my chest, but the dreamy look that’s come over her face while I’ve been talking doesn’t disappear. “And wanting to make someone else as happy as I want to make you… that can’t be anything but good.”
She swallows, blinking away the glossiness in her eyes. Her words are a whisper. “No, that can’t be anything but good. But… you’ll still be on neutral ground if you continue your role in The Ruin.”
My hand pauses midstroke through her hair. In all this time, I’ve never once thought about… “retiring” from The Ruin. As far as I could imagine into my future, I always thought I’d be doing the same thing until my time on earth came to an end. What I do outside the hospital doesn’t take brute strength, so I could potentially continue euthanizing deserving villains until I’m old and gray.
