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couldn't find my voice.
"We fell in love, Beau. That's all. We fell in
love."
"Ruby . . ."
"I've got to go, Beau. Please."
"Don't say good-bye. Just hang up," he told me,
and I did so, but I sat at the phone and sobbed until I
heard Pearl wake from her nap and call to me. Then I
wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and went on to fill
my days and nights with as much work as I could
find, so I wouldn't think and I wouldn't regret. A quiet resignation fell over me. I began to feel
like a nun, spending much of my time in quiet
meditation, painting, reading, and listening to music.
Caring for Pearl was a full-time job now, too. She was
very active and curious about everything. I had to go
about and make the house child-proof, placing
valuable knick-knacks out of her reach, being sure she
couldn't get into anything dangerous. Occasionally
Molly would look after her for me for a few hours
while I shopped or had some quiet time alone. Paul was busier than ever; deliberately so, I
thought. He was up at the crack of dawn and gone some days before I came down for breakfast. Sometimes he couldn't get back in time for dinner. He told me his father was doing less and less at the
cannery, and talking about retirement.
"Maybe you should hire a manager, then," I
suggested. "You can't do it all."
"I'll see," he promised, but I saw that he
enjoyed being occupied. Just like me, he hated leisure
because leisure made him reflect on what his life was
really like now.
I thought it would go on like this forever until
we were both old and gray, rocking side by side on
