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"He said, 'It's cozy and warm.' Charles Allen knew all the buttons to push," I said with a tight smirk.
"You sound like you really hate him now," Star said.
I glanced at Doctor Marlowe. Her eyes softened.
"I don't hate him Actually, I pity him He's even more confused by life than than I am," I replied.
"Anyway, it got pretty hot and heavy that afternoon. We came very close," I said quickly for Star's benefit. She looked disappointed that we only came close. "We just started kissing again and he asked me to do what I had done at his house and take off my blouse and bra. There was something exciting about doing all this in my own house with my mother right downstairs filing her nails or something."
I paused in describing the scene, recalling that afternoon in my own mind first: his eyes, my own thumping heart, the cloud that had turned my room mysterious and dark for a few moments, the way his tongue glided over his lower lip.
My reverie was too long for Star.
"If you're telling it, tell it," she said with a little smile.
I looked at her with an expression that clearly said, you better be just as honest about yourself as I am about myself. I had told Doctor Marlowe most of it before, so it wasn't hard to describe things in front of her now.
"We got into my bed and kissed for a while. I kept my eyes closed and held on to him as if I would drown if I didn't, and then he unbuttoned my jeans and put his hand in them. No one had ever touched me where he touched me. Then he really surprised me by taking down his own pants. He squirmed out of them like a snake. I thought that was funny, but after he had done it and I felt him between my thighs, I panicked and asked him to stop. He said he couldn't. He said it was too late and that was the way it was with boys.
"'Don't you know about this stuff?' he asked and I didn't want to seem stupid, so I said I did. Of course, like all of you I suppose, I've had sex education. I knew what happens but it's different when it's happening to you and you're not just reading some textbook.
"Anyway, he said, 'So you know I can't just stop now and he got excited and made me wet. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought I would faint. I got up quickly and went into the bathroom. I could
n't get my heart to stop thumping. When I came out, he was dressed and sitting calmly at my computer, acting as if nothing at all had happened. After he was ready to get up and go, he apologized for not being properly prepared.
"'Prepared?' I asked.
"'You know,' he said, 'contraception. Next time we won't be like a couple of kids.'
"I nodded, wondering just how sophisticated did he think I was?
"'I wasn't expecting us to have the opportunity,' he explained. Somehow, it didn't sound very romantic or exciting the way he put it.
"He said good-bye to my mother, who prolonged it with her announcement that she was considering changing her hair color and style. She had pictures of models on the table in the living room and wanted Charles Allen's opinions. He kept telling her she was fine the way she was, but she insisted he give her his opinion and finally, he chose a picture just to end it. Of course, she said it was exactly the one she had chosen herself.
"I walked him out to his car where I apologized for my mother again.
"'That's all right,' he said. 'She's actually amusing.'
"'Amusing?' I asked. I really didn't like that characterization of her, but he just smiled and started his engine. Then he leaned out the window to kiss me.
"'You're the nicest girl I know,' he said. 'It's good to have your judgments confirmed,' he added.
"I knew it was supposed to be a compliment to me, but it sounded instead as if he was complimenting himself for being so good at choosing a girlfriend.
"When I went back inside, my mother astonished me by complimenting me on my choice, too. She said it was reassuring for her to see that I had a gentleman for a boyfriend. She ran on and on about it and how important it was to be very discriminating and particular about men, even in these little high school romances. Her divorce proved that, she said. Then she really surprised me by adding that she had decided to go on her first date since my father had left. The owner of one of the restaurants she frequented for lunch had learned of her divorce and had asked her out.
"I think then, more than at any other time, it really sunk in that my parents were two separate people forever."
I stopped and took a breath when I noticed Cathy was trembling so badly she looked like she was literally freezing. She was embracing herself hard. Her face was so white it looked like she had cut off the supply of blood. Jade and Star saw it too and we all looked at Doctor Marlowe, who shook her head slightly to tell us not to say anything. I knew she wanted me to just keep talking.
"As it turned out then," I continued, my eyes on Cathy, "that weekend both my mother and I had dates. She was going to dinner and I was going to an early movie and then to have pizza with Charles Allen.
"There we both were that Saturday afternoon, primping at our vanity tables. She'd come running in to get my opinion of her lipstick and I couldn't help asking her to help me choose how to wear my hair and what to do about my eyes, for as I've been told by Daddy many times, we have to give the devil her due. Mommy was an expert when it came to makeup and hairstyle. I wanted to look older, as sophisticated as Charles Allen apparently believed I was.
"I suppose it was a very funny scene, the two of us marching back and forth, checking ourselves in mirrors. She put her arm around me in front of her full-length mirror and chanted in a high-pitched, sugary voice, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who are the prettiest girls of all? Hear that,' she said laughing. 'It said you are, you are!'
"I imagine you all think that was very silly, but I couldn't help laughing with her and at least for a little while feeling like we were close.
