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"'Remember, she had one heart attack. She could have another and then where will we be? We'll be in some institution, that's where,' I told him.
"He seemed to understand that and calmed down enough so he didn't get into trouble, but his schoolwork didn't improve any.
"Neither did mine. The bad habits followed me, I guess. I didn't see how I could ever do anything for myself with studies, and when counselors asked me if I had any idea what I wanted to be or do, I just shook my head and stared out the window. The future was as cloudy as could be. It amazed me how anyone could look years and years beyond today and see what he or she would be doing. I just worried about tomorrow.
"I made some new friends quickly. Everyone's curious about a new student and asks questions and lots of kids were in situations like mine. I knew I was far from the only one who was living with her granny or granny and grandpa. One of the girls, Tina Carter, had a cousin in my previous school who had been a friend of mine so Tina and I became friendly and she told me stuff about many of the other kids, especially the boys to avoid because of their criminal records or gangs they were in.
"One boy she warned me about, Steve Gilmore, was interesting and attractive to me nevertheless. Tina said he was weird. He liked to be alone. He didn't have any real friends at the school and nobody knew much about him or saw him on weekends at the usual hangouts. The only one he seemed to spend any time with at school was a white boy, Matthew Langer, who had such severe learning disabilities he had been held back two grades. The fact that he would rather spend his time talking to Matthew than anybody else made him more interesting to me. It was sort of understood that Steve protected him t
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"Steve wasn't all that big and strong looking. He was just under six feet and only about one hundred and seventy pounds, but he had a wildness in his eyes that made other boys give him space. I guess it was because of the way he fixed his gaze on someone. People said they felt like he was burning into them. Someone had nicknamed him 'Laser Eyes' and the name stuck, but no one called him that to his face.
"There were all sorts of stories about him that were practically mythical?'
"Like what?" Jade asked.
"He supposedly had killed someone in a fight when he was only nine years old, stole a car and got into an accident that resulted in the death of a young woman, stuff like that."
"However, from what I could tell, Steve wasn't in trouble much in school. He was an okay student, quiet and not disrespectful when his teachers approached him. I had one class with him, social studies. I would glance his way from time to time He sat just behind me about two rows over, but he never seemed to look at me or take the slightest interest in me.
"I had begun to take better care of myself, fix my hair, wear some lipstick, polish my nails. Granny managed to get me some nicer clothes too. She did seamstress work for a department store sometimes and the manager got us some deep discounts.
"Granny told me I was pretty. I guessed she was saying that because she was my granny, but Tina told me she and her girlfriends had decided I was one of the prettiest girls in the school now. If that was so, I wondered why Steve Gilmore never gave me a first look, not to mention a second. I wasn't much interested in the other boys who had.
"What I would do occasionally in class was lean back on a slant so I could gaze at Steve without it looking too obvious. I guess another thing that attracted me to him was a look I saw occasionally in his eyes that suggested he was hurting in places I was hurting. He seemed to drift away, too.
"I know from the way you're all looking at me that it's hard to understand what I mean. Sometimes, I'd catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I'd do a double-take because there was this deep, dark shadow in my eyes that made them look like tiny tunnels running back to my most painful childhood memories. I'd be surprised at how much time went by with me looking down those tunnels. I guess we called them 'flashbacks,' right, Doctor Marlowe?"
She nodded.
"It would start with me thinking of myself as being five or six and wondering who was this looking at me in the mirror? Then I would just fall back through time. The whole experience leaves you with this heavy sadness, like a water-soaked blanket being tossed on your shoulders:'
They all stared, no one speaking.
"I don't do a good job of explaining it," I added. "Yes, you do," Jade said quickly.
I smiled at her and nodded.
"Anyway, when I looked at Steve one time like this, he turned slowly and looked at me for a moment. It was like we had said hello in a very private way and recognized we were from the same planet, Planet Pain." Misty looked mesmerized, but her lips stretched slowly into a tiny smile.
"I live there too," she whispered.
I nodded at her, encouraged by how many similar notes we all heard.
"Something happened at that special moment I looked at Steve," I continued. "It was like he had opened his eyes or become conscious and finally noticed me. As it turned out, he wasn't weird so much as he was just very shy. It took another two days before he would utter a word in my direction. I was walking home after school, on my way to stop at Rodney's school and pick him up, when Steve came up behind me and passed me, but paused for a split second to say, 'Hi.' He kept walking, faster in fact, before I could respond. In seconds, he was gone around the corner, but it was enough to give my heart a tiny nudge and make me think about him all that night.
"The next day I became bold and when I saw him in the hallway just before social studies, I stepped up beside him and asked him if he had done the homework. We were supposed to describe four causes for World War One.
"He gave me those 'laser eyes' for a second as if he distrusted my intentions. Those remarkable eyes practically drank me in and swallowed me down before he relaxed.
"'I only came up with three,' he replied.
"'I only got down three causes, too,' I said.
"I told him mine and he told me his and between us we came up with five to use. When I got to my desk, I quickly scribbled it all down, looking over at him every few seconds to see him doing the same. He gave me a smile and I felt as if he had kissed me."
"Just a smile did that to you?" Cat asked. She had been so quiet and unmoving, I forgot about her for a while. As usual, she glanced from right to left in a small panic because her words had come out so fast.
