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It was at times like this when I knew just how lost and alone I really was and that no amount of money, no house, no special school, nothing, would fill the great and deep hole in my heart.
29
Initiation
Kiera was really very clever when it came to manipulating her father. I watched and listened to an expert at dinner that night. The excitement and sweetness in her voice was so well crafted, as were her smiles, her looks at me, and her way of bringing me in at the right times to support what she said. She had a way of tilting her head just slightly to the left while rolling her eyes to the right to look cute and innocent. She tossed back her hair with a flick of two fingers and pursed her lips as if she was sending her father a kiss across the table.
I looked at Mr. March as Kiera described what our outing on Ricky’s boat was going to be. Mrs. March’s face was more like a mask, nothing moving, her eyelids barely blinking as she listened. Although Kiera never came right out and said it, she implied that Ricky’s father was going to keep close tabs on us. She reminded her parents that she had been on Ricky’s father’s boat before and how well it had gone. The weather was going to be perfect for boating, too. Most of all, this would be the most exciting thing I had ever done. She made it sound as if all the others, Ricky, even his father, were going along with this outing for my benefit. How could her parents reject it?
“Well, it sounds like you two are in for a great time,” Mr. March said. “I’d take you myself, but I’m having so many problems with this project in Oregon that I’ve got to work all weekend. I don’t know why I took on doing anything with Rick Stanton,” he said to Mrs. March. “His preparation is always so sloppy.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Mrs. March said curtly, “but not because of Rick Stanton. You’re taking on too much, Donald. We need you to spend more time with us.”
The way she said “we” made it clear, at least to me, that she meant herself. He nodded and promised that he was going to cut back. He said he had already rejected two major projects. Kiera glanced at me as he spoke, a look of victory and satisfaction in her face. There was no other discussion about our going on Ricky’s boat. She was happy they had gone on to other topics. Secretly, I had been hoping that they wouldn’t let us go and my crisis would be postponed for a while, but I should have realized that there was little or nothing Kiera didn’t get the way she wanted.
“I’ve picked out some things for you to wear tomorrow,” she told me after dinner. “Boyd’s picking us up at nine.”
The outfit she had chosen looked more like a tennis outfit to me. When I put it on, I thought the skirt was too short, but she insisted that it was perfect. She gave me another watch to wear, with a band that matched the colors of my outfit, and different earrings, too. This watch, like the other, had diamonds.
“Now, don’t worry about becoming seasick or anything,” she said. “That pill I gave you actually helps prevent that, too. Don’t ask me how or why. It just does. Tomorrow’s your day, and we won’t permit anything to ruin it.”
I felt as if I were on the high seas already when I went to bed. I tossed and turned, struggling to fall asleep. The conflicting arguments going on inside me were fierce. I was caught in an echo chamber. A strong part of me was screaming how wrong it all was. I was doing it for the wrong reasons, and I would regret it for the rest of my life. The other part of me kept reminding me of what I had now and what I would have afterward. For a girl who had had few, if any, friends most of her life and none during the entire past year, the idea of being part of a group like the VA club brimmed with great promise. I’d be included in everything. I’d have trusted friends in school and out of school. Boys would like me even more. And besides, I had already gone too far. I had the tattoo. I had lost any chance of having friends my own age. They all thought I was too snobby because I was hanging around with the seniors. If I didn’t do this, I’d be all alone again.
Sometime just before morning, I fell asleep and slept so late that Kiera came rushing with panic into my suite.
“You’re still in bed?” she c
ried. I groaned and turned over to look up at her. She was already dressed in her boating outfit. “It’s after eight! Get up. Get dressed. Get ready. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes. You know my mother will make a big deal of us having a decent breakfast. C’mon. And don’t forget to take your pill,” she said, ripping the blanket off me.
I ground the sleep out of my eyes, sat up, and then, still half asleep, jumped into the shower to shock myself awake with cold water. I was just putting on my boat shoes when Kiera returned.
“Let’s go,” she said. “My mother is already wondering if you’re sick or something. If you don’t look good and full of energy, she’ll find a reason to stop us. C’mon,” she urged.
I hurried out after her.
Mrs. March was in the dining room waiting for us. “Are you all right?” she asked me immediately.
“Yes.”
“She just stayed up too late doing her homework. You know how she is about her homework, even on weekends,” Kiera said.
Mrs. March looked at me suspiciously but said nothing. I had to eat more than I wanted so she wouldn’t think something was wrong with my appetite. At least, Kiera did most of the talking for us both, describing the day that lay ahead in Catalina and reminding her mother how much fun they’d had there when her father had taken them. She made the point of reminding her that Alena was alive then and loved the day.
“Never mind all that. You’d better make sure both you and Sasha are wearing your life jackets on that boat,” her mother warned.
“Oh, of course. Ricky follows all the regulations to a T. What are you doing today, Mother?” she asked to throw her off.
“I’m meeting Deidre’s mother for lunch at the Ivy,” she said. “It’s a lunch meeting we’ve both been looking forward to for a while now.” She made it sound as though they were meeting to discuss her and Deidre.
“That’s nice,” Kiera said without missing a beat.
“I want to hear from both of you periodically,” Mrs. March said. “You both have cell phones, and this time they’re not to be forgotten or turned off. Is that clear?”
“Of course, Mother. It’s when we go on excursions like this that they come in most handy. We need to be excused now so we can both do last-minute things. Boyd will be here in ten minutes.”
“Don’t make any more mistakes, Kiera,” Mrs. March warned. “There’s no room for any more mistakes.”
“That’s all in the past, Mother. I’ll let someone else make mistakes.”
