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"You've got to be even more careful now, Zipporah," she continued. "You're not only protecting me. You're protecting Jesse."
Without replying, I walked out of the attic and closed the door behind me. Then I descended the dark steps quickly, not realizing I was crying until I got to my room and looked at myself in the vanity-table mirror. The tears were moving in little jerks down m
y cheeks and bubbling near the corners of my lips before falling forward to my chin
Above me, a floorboard in the attic creaked. It was her way of reminding me how important silence was, her silence and my own.
And now Jesse's, too.
I didn't know why I was so sad, until I realized I wasn't sad for myself.
I was sad for Jesse.
Like me, he would soon realize whom he was betraying.
18 Naked on the Sofa
It was nearly impossible for me to get any sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night, listening for any sound, and then, just after midnight, I was positive I heard the attic steps creak. Jesse wasn't used to them, I thought. Karen wouldn't be coming down now. It had to be Jesse going up to her, chancing discovery. There was a deep silence and then another creak and another. I sat up, listening harder, and thought I heard the attic door open. I tiptoed to my bedroom door and looked up through the dim hallway illumination. Then I heard the distinct sound of steps above me. It grew very quiet quickly. I sat there in my bed, listening and waiting. They had become very quiet. Growing more and more tired, I finally relented and let my head rest on the pillow. I tried to keep my eyes open, but my eyelids were like magnets shutting down.
Some time before morning, I thought I heard the creak of the attic steps again, but I wasn't sure if I had really heard them or it had just been a dream. I overslept, and my alarm woke me. My mother heard it go off and came in to see if everything was all right.
"Jesse's already up and having breakfast," she added. "Jesse's up?"
I recalled all I had heard the night before and hurried to shower and dress. By the time I got downstairs, my father was dressed and having coffee with him. My mother was going to continue her morning-to-afternoon shift for the rest of the week, so she was almost finished with breakfast, too.
"Hey, sleepyhead," Jesse said when I entered the kitchen. "What happened to our famous early riser?"
"When I was in college," Daddy said, "I cherished the mornings I didn't have to get up early. Your brother is scaring me with all this responsible and good behavior. He's up to something," he teased.
I shifted my eyes to Jesse to see how he would react. Oh, yes, I thought, he's up to something.
"It's easier to sleep in the dorm," he said. "I got used to the noise. It's too quiet here to sleep late."
Our parents laughed. Jesse glanced at me, and in that short look, I thought I saw him wondering if I knew anything, but it might have been wishful thinking on my part.
"Okay, so when are you going to be at the office, Jess?"
"I'll go with you tomorrow, as I said. Okay?"
"Fine," Daddy told him, and turned to me. "You all right with going to school on the bus, Zipporah? I can wait a few more minutes if you want."
"No, I'm fine, Daddy," I said.
I wasn't, of course. I couldn't imagine paying attention to anything at school. Mama was on her way out and gave both Jesse and me a kiss.
"I'll be home in time to prepare dinner tonight," she told me. "Jesse has the list of groceries to get. Don't forget them," she warned him.
"Not a chance, Morn. I like eating too much."
She gave him a second kiss, and I felt myself cringe inside when I imagined her discovering what he was up to now concerning Karen. It occurred to me that I could play the innocent if that happened. Jesse was convinced I knew nothing, and Karen certainly wouldn't tell. I would suddenly become the better child, the good daughter. Could I live with it? How easily one deception gave birth to another.
Both our parents left before I went out to wait for the school bus. Jesse followed me, bringing out the paint he had been using to whitewash the railings. As he set things up behind me, I glanced up at the attic window and saw the curtain parting, but the morning light was too bright to reveal Karen's face. I turned to Jesse, who had begun his chore again.
Should I say something? I wondered. Wasn't I part of a new deceit? What would he do if he knew Karen had lied to him? Had read his journal? Would he throw down his paint brush and charge up to the attic to demand that she leave? Throw her out on the street? Would that satisfy me now?
And what would result from it? When the police found her, would she describe how she had been harbored in our house right above my parents? Would people in the community believe they didn't know? Did Jesse realize the danger our entire family was in? How couldn't he? What made him take such a risk?
He turned and smiled at me. "Don't worry," he said, as if he could read my thoughts. "Things will work out. It will be over soon. Try to forget about it for a while. I'll see you after school."
