AllFreeNovel
Share Us
'What sort of things?' Yossarian interrupted with belligerent misgiving.
'Oh, tiny, insignificant things. Really, this is a very generous deal we're making with you. We will issue order
s returning you to the States--really, we will--and all you have to do in return is...'
'What? What must I do?' Colonel Korn laughed curtly. 'Like us.' Yossarian blinked. 'Like you?'
'Like us.'
'Like you?'
'That's right,' said Colonel Korn, nodding, gratified immeasurably by Yossarian's guileless surprise and bewilderment. 'Like us. Join us. Be our pal. Say nice things about us here and back in the States. Become one of the boys. Now, that isn't asking too much, is it?'
'You just want me to like you? Is that all?'
'That's all.'
'That's all?'
'Just find it in your heart to like us.' Yossarian wanted to laugh confidently when he saw with amazement that Colonel Korn was telling the truth. 'That isn't going to be too easy,' he sneered.
'Oh, it will be a lot easier than you think,' Colonel Korn taunted in return, undismayed by Yossarian's barb. 'You'll be surprised at how easy you'll find it to like us once you begin.' Colonel Korn hitched up the waist of his loose, voluminous trousers. The deep black grooves isolating his square chin from his jowls were bent again in a kind of jeering and reprehensible mirth. 'You see, Yossarian, we're going to put you on easy street. We're going to promote you to major and even give you another medal. Captain Flume is already working on glowing press releases describing your valor over Ferrara, your deep and abiding loyalty to your outfit and your consummate dedication to duty. Those phrases are all actual quotations, by the way. We're going to glorify you and send you home a hero, recalled by the Pentagon for morale and public-relations purposes. You'll live like a millionaire. Everyone will lionize you. You'll have parades in your honor and make speeches to raise money for war bonds. A whole new world of luxury awaits you once you become our pal. Isn't it lovely?' Yossarian found himself listening intently to the fascinating elucidation of details. 'I'm not sure I want to make speeches.'
'Then we'll forget the speeches. The important thing is what you say to people here.' Colonel Korn leaned forward earnestly, no longer smiling. 'We don't want any of the men in the group to know that we're sending you home as a result of your refusal to fly more missions. And we don't want General Peckem or General Scheisskopf to get wind of any friction between us, either. That's why we're going to become such good pals.'
'What will I say to the men who asked me why I refused to fly more missions?'
'Tell them you had been informed in confidence that you were being returned to the States and that you were unwilling to risk your life for another mission or two. Just a minor disagreement between pals, that's all.'
'Will they believe it?'
'Of course they'll believe it, once they see what great friends we've become and when they see the press releases and read the flattering things you have to say about me and Colonel Cathcart. Don't worry about the men. They'll be easy enough to discipline and control when you've gone. It's only while you're still here that they may prove troublesome. You know, one good apple can spoil the rest,' Colonel Korn concluded with conscious irony. 'You know--this would really be wonderful--you might even serve as an inspiration to them to fly more missions.'
'Suppose I denounce you when I get back to the States?'
'After you've accepted our medal and promotion and all the fanfare? No one would believe you, the Army wouldn't let you, and why in the world should you want to? You're going to be one of the boys, remember? You'll enjoy a rich, rewarding, luxurious, privileged existence. You'd have to be a fool to throw it all away just for a moral principle, and you're not a fool. Is it a deal?'
'I don't know.'
'It's that or a court-martial.'
'That's a pretty scummy trick I'd be playing on the men in the squadron, isn't it?'
'Odious,' Colonel Korn agreed amiably, and waited, watching Yossarian patiently with a glimmer of private delight.
'But what the hell!' Yossarian exclaimed. 'If they don't want to fly more missions, let them stand up and do something about it the way I did. Right?'
'Of course,' said Colonel Korn.
'There's no reason I have to risk my life for them, is there?'
'Of course not.' Yossarian arrived at his decision with a swift grin. 'It's a deal!' he announced jubilantly.
'Great,' said Colonel Korn with somewhat less cordiality than Yossarian had expected, and he slid himself off Colonel Cathcart's desk to stand on the floor. He tugged the folds of cloth of his pants and undershorts free from his crotch and gave Yossarian a limp hand to shake. 'Welcome aboard.'
'Thanks, Colonel. I--'
'Call me Blackie, John. We're pals now.'
