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I roll my eyes.
“No biggie? This shit is creepy and fucking weird, just like you,” I huff while crinkling my nose in disgust. I can’t get the image of this old man jerking himself off while watching tentacle porn out of my head now. Damn, I want to claw my eyeballs out of my face, it’s so gross. “I’ve been in here for two minutes and I’ve already seen one girl penetrated by slimy tentacles on TV, and another about to get penetrated by a spider’s you-know-what. I think I’m going to throw up. And who even knows what else there is? No, absolutely not,” I shake my head. “I’m telling my mom, and she’s going to make you get rid of all this crap. It’ll probably end up in the dumpster, which is where it belongs.”
Jerry springs into action then.
“No!” he shrieks, lunging forward to block the stairs so I can’t leave. “You’re not going to tell Sheena a damn thing!”
I don’t appreciate his body block, even if Jerry’s scrawny and thin. I narrow my eyes at him.
“Get out of my way, you creep.”
“No!” He stomps his foot like a petulant child.
“Are you serious? You can’t keep me down here forever,” I roll my eyes. “What are you going to do, lock me up? Handcuff me and film me for one of these creepy videos? Hire Big Foot to come and ravish me?”
Jerry snorts, at a loss for words for a moment.
“Okay, move it,” I say, crossing my arms across my chest. “Get out of my way.”
But then Jerry pauses.
“Listen, Janie,” he says, thinking on the fly. “We can make a deal. Don’t tell Sheena and I’ll owe you a favor, okay? Just as long as you keep your mouth shut about this.”
I squint at him.
“I don’t want any favors from you, Jerry. Thanks. Now move.”
But he drops to his knees then, his hands crossed in supplication.
“Please Janie?” he whines. “I’ll do anything.”
I roll my eyes and heave a huge sigh.
“Seriously, get a grip. Why do you care about this stupid collection so much anyways? It’s just porn, and it’s not like anyone even uses VHS anymore. I’m pretty sure a quick google search of literally any of these movies would allow you to download them for free. So what’s the big deal? Just dump this stuff!”
To my horror, tears come to Jerry’s eyes.
“I have a sentimental attachment to my collection, okay?” he sniffles. “Please Janie! I’ve been collecting since I was just fifteen years old, and I used my first paycheck from my newspaper route to buy my first X-rated comic,” he sniffles. “Really, I’ll do anything.”
Thoughts whirl in my mind because come to think of it, there is something that I want. After a few moments of silent contemplation, I shrug as I look at Jerry again.
“Well, I do have something in mind …”
Jerry’s quick to bite.
“Whatever it is, you’ve got it!”
I shrug then.
“I want to be set up with your friend, Brand,” I grin. “You set me up with him and my mom will never hear a word about your dirty collection from me.”
Now Jerry looks stumped.
“Who?” He furrows his brow. “Brand? You mean, my poker buddy Brand? Brand Danner?”
“How many Brands do you know, Jerry?” I roll my eyes. “Yes, that Brand.”
Jerry squints at me, his dirty beard littered with crumbs and other unidentifiable foods. “But Brand’s got to be in his forties. And you’re a sweet young thing, Janie. You’re what, nineteen?”
I roll my eyes again.
“It was my birthday last month,” I sigh. “You helped me eat cake and celebrate, remember? I’m twenty-five,” I say in a terse voice.
“Right, right, of course I remember that,” the old man mutters. “But still, you’re just twenty-five. Isn’t Brand, ahem, a little too old for you?”
“No!” I snap. “It’s fine, okay? Besides, it’s not a concern of yours. Just invite Brand over to watch football next Sunday, and I’ll take care of it from there, okay? But make sure you’re out of this house for a couple of hours, and Sheena too. Make it happen, got it? Then my lips will be sealed.”
Jerry pauses, unsure.
“Yeah, but—”
I cut him off.
“Do we have a deal?”
Slowly, the old man lets out a long, shuddering sigh, and holds out his hand for a shake.
“Deal, Janie. Damn girl. You’re crazy!”
I just shrug while shaking his hand.
“You know what they say: crazy is as crazy does,” is my breezy comment before I leave to return to the first floor. “And keep the TV down! I thought King Kong was down here earlier!”
As I step into the kitchen, I take a deep breath while shaking my head. That was a weird interlude, for sure, but now I’m back in the regular world. At least the kitchen looks normal. The counters are the same pale yellow, and the linoleum floor gleams even though there was a poker game here last night.
