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I wasn’t sure who had come up with the nickname – it could very well have been me – but it was a reference to how my sex drive had become an elderly woman as of late. Since leaving my crappy little hometown and the ten-year relationship that had wrecked me from the inside out, she’d become weak. Inactive. She’d been briefly alive when I first moved to the city, thanks to the daily sight of beautiful people on the sidewalks and the subways and basically everywhere. But after three months of me being obsessed with Tinder but too scared to move past the messaging stage, she finally retreated back into safety and decided it was best to concentrate on a career first.
That was the story of Gert.
But as of last week – as of Lukas Hendricks – she’d made a grand, lip-smacking return.
“Stop what?” Sara’s giggling brought me back to Earth. “My references to Gertrude or the fact that she’s suddenly back and completely out of control?”
“Both?” I replied weakly. “Sara, I mean it, stop laughing. I hate this. It’s like a switch flipped in my body and now I get these random thoughts and fantasies that make me blush and squirm and forget what I’m saying while I’m like, paying for coffee. And it sucks. It makes me feel like a mess.”
“Oh, bubs,” Sara pouted. “I’m sure it feels weird, but it’s not a bad thing. I mean it was great that you were able to shut off this side of you while getting your business on its feet, and I’m sure a part of it had to do with all the shit you went through with Ritchie, but Gertrude was bound to come back at some point – especially after three years without sex.”
I sighed. “True.” I had a feeling most would flinch at that brutal honesty but I barely did. My celibacy was just a part of me at this point – a casual thing I carried with me day-to-day, like an old purse. “But in my defense, it’s more like two-and-a-half years,” I said, though I realized once the words left my lips that they were wrong.
I’d started dating Ritchie in high school when I was fifteen. We broke up two-and-a-half years ago, when I was twenty-five. But we’d stopped having sex long before that so actually, it was hard to calculate the true length of my dry spell. Whatever it was though, I was at peace with it. I was convinced I’d traded it in to finally find myself after growing up locked in a relationship. So I truly never minded Gert.
At least not till now.
Now, she was distracting me and filling my head with dirty thoughts that wouldn’t go away, which was less than ideal considering the amount of work I had coming up. I had to secure an investor, get some distribution and most importantly, start shopping for a space to open up my brick and mortar. It was about to be a busy year and I couldn’t afford to spend it dizzy with some infatuation. Whatever this was, I had to fix it.
“Sara, do you think…” I tilted my head slowly. “Is it possible that I’m not actually that attracted to Lukas?” I asked. She cocked an inquisitive eyebrow.
“Please detail this theory.”
“Well, maybe he’s just the one who broke the seal,” I said, my eyes getting wider as I got the ball rolling. “I mean he was the first remotely sexual encounter I had in years, so of course he got stuck in my head. Right? But I don’t actually like him. I’m sure if I went on a date with someone else and went dancing, maybe flirted it up a bit, I’d completely forget about Lukas.”
“But then what about the new guy? Wouldn’t you get attached to him?” Sara asked.
“Not at all! I’d pick some nice, safe guy. Like, a starter boyfriend who wouldn’t get me too fired up or crazy. He’d interest me just enough and because of that, I’d still have enough brain space to concentrate on work and stuff. I could go on a couple dates, get Lukas out of my head and be totally done – right?” I asked eagerly, breathless and unblinking as I awaited Sara’s verdict. But she chewed on her straw, seemingly thinking hard as she narrowed those catlike eyes at me.
“It might work.”
“Yes!”
“It would definitely be a new distraction.”
“Yes!” I clapped my hands.
“Though plain having sex with someone would do the trick even faster.”
“What?” I slowed down and cocked my head at her. “No… Sara. Why –? You just took this in a whole other direction.”
“No, I didn’t. I just expanded on it. It’s still your idea. Just advanced.”
“Oh, well excuse me,” I laughed. “Please, educate me then, Ms. Hanna.”
“Fine.” Sara wound her mane of black hair into a giant topknot. “To put it simply, Lukas woke up your libido and now you’re crazy horny. Right?” She stuck a pen into her hair to keep it in place. “You want to get rid of these feelings but not with him, because you’re afraid of getting attached to someone that hot.” She glanced down at her phone. “And judging from just the picture on his website,” she flashed the image at me, “he looks like he’d be pretty good in bed, which would only get you more attached. Right?”
“Right. Can you stop Googling him though?”
“Yes. But the point is.” Sara kept her eyes down as she twiddled away on her phone. “A candlelit dinner isn’t going to be enough for you to forget a babe of this caliber. You need actual sex to get over him. Good, hot sex with a nice, boring guy. That way you’ll quench the thirst without getting attached, you’ll stop associating anything remotely sexual with Lukas and then you’ll finally go back to living your merry life – am I not right?”
I blinked and stared. “I mean it makes sense. It’s just weird to think about having sex for the first time in so long. Though I guess if I’m going to do it…” My gaze floated elsewhere as I sighed. “I guess it should be with someone I don’t really care about. As horrible as it sounds.”
“It doesn’t sound horrible, it sounds practical and efficient and it’s exactly why I keep Jeff around,” Sara said, popping a piece of cake into her mouth. She was referring to her copy editor at work. He was cute enough. Nowhere as cute as Sara, of course, but that was the point. He was already at the office, he wasn’t someone to obsess over and he got the job done so she could get her job done. Otherwise, her firecracker of a libido – pretty sure we’d nicknamed it Roxanne – would hold her brain hostage till she gave it some attention. Sara shrugged. “Sometimes you just gotta feed the craving and move on.”
I nodded quietly, trying to figure out if this was actually a good idea or if my mind was simply that far gone. Not that it mattered anymore. “Welp, this might just be our solution then.” I threw my hands in the air. “I guess this means I need to find myself a date.”
