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And intrigued.
What the hell was I feeling right now? I couldn’t pin it. Before this conversation, I was pretty sure I was disappointed in Lukas and upset with myself for caring that he didn’t want kids. But as I excused myself from the table, I’d reminded myself it was good to know that particular deal breaker because there was no endgame with Lukas. I’d gotten understandably carried away this weekend and I needed to get that under control – that was what I was thinking as I stood in line for the bathroom.
But now I was ticked off at Julian, curious and vaguely worried about Lukas, and in general, confused. I wanted to find Lukas and find out everything about him, but I was also afraid to face him again. A part of me feared that he’d just reached his limit with me – that Bryce had just reminded him that no quality of sex was worth the burden of a woman seeking a relationship. I could imagine him sitting at that table right now, trying to figure out how to tell me that he suddenly had to go and that we probably shouldn’t see each other after this.
For several minutes, I stood at the end of the bar, paralyzed with complete dilemma.
But soon enough, I was watching Lukas walk over to me with his head tilted just so.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?” he asked with a gentle laugh. Just hearing it made me relax my posture.
“Do what?”
“Leave me alone with those people.”
“Aren’t they your friends?”
“Some of them. Some are Emmett’s friends. Some are people I imagine he just met at another bar. He tends to collect people over the course of a night.”
I smiled. “Well, they’re not a bad collection of people. Save for… maybe Bryce.”
“He’s not all bad. He’s just a professional ball-buster,” Lukas said, helping me off my barstool. “Can I take you somewhere else now?”
My eyes fluttered with surprise. “You still want to take me somewhere?”
“Why wouldn’t I? If you thought hanging out with Emmett and Julian was going to count as our date, then your perception of me is still as shitty as it was the day we met.”
I snorted. “I promise you, it could never get as bad as it was the first night.”
“Good,” Lukas said, pressing those smirking lips on the side of my head as he took my hand and led me away from the bar. “Glad to know some things do change.”
18
LUKAS
I was eleven the first time I saw snow. In real life at least – I’d seen plenty in movies. But I had an irrational distaste for fake snow, probably because of the house across the street. During Christmastime every year, they taped piles of cheap cotton balls to their windows to mimic mountains of snow. I thought it looked fucking stupid but Tess was so charmed she used to take pictures, so it was no surprise at all that she bawled the first time she saw actual snow.
I was eleven, she was seven and our parents had made a random decision to put us on a plane two days before Christmas, sending us to our uncle’s house in Philly. They’d been fighting worse than usual the week prior, over something neither Tess nor I couldn’t understand, so despite the fact that we were untrusting kids who barely knew this Uncle James, we found ourselves both eager to go.
There had to be a thousand good memories from that short vacation but three stuck out most: Tess crying out of joy to see snow, Uncle James predicting I’d wind up at Wharton and me sneaking out Christmas night with his classic wood toboggan. It was probably 1AM when I raced what felt like sixty miles an hour down the street. The wind whipped my hair back and the cold stung the hell out of my cheeks. I knew that none of what I was doing was safe and that it was a bad idea on multiple fronts, but I doubled down anyway, switching positions mid-ride and lying on my stomach to go headfirst down the dark, icy road.
I wasn’t sure when I’d get another snow so I was going to make the best of it. For that reason, I didn’t regret the cuts and bruises from getting launched off the sled at the end of the road. It was just how I rolled from an early age – I made smart, logical decisions ninety percent of the time. Then without warning, I did something fucking stupid and reckless.
I’d guess that putting someone in the hospital counted as my reckless decision this year but whatever I was doing with Lia this week probably came in at a close second.
I’d slept over two nights in a row now.
Couldn’t help myself though. She let me so I did. Neither night was planned – it just happened. It was also too damned easy to get out of bed in the morning, get changed for work across the hall and come back in time to see her finally stirring in bed. There was something relaxing about watching her in bed, half-oblivious to me. It was like the storm inside me calmed every time I looked at her rubbing sleep from her eyes. I couldn’t guess what that particular image did to me but it struck some unknown chord inside me that Julian would probably give me hell for.
But fuck it. I was prepared for a bad week and if mornings with Lia softened the blow, then I was going to enjoy as many as I could, despite all the reasons telling me to just nip it in the bud.
I was well aware of the strain between us, ever since the night with Julian, Emmett and Bryce. I could tell she was hurt by my childfree admission. I knew I had no plans to change my outlook despite that. Basically, we’d spelled out in one night that we weren’t meant for each other. Even if we were in fact looking for a relationship, it was clear now that one would be pointless.
Yet here I was, still unable to get enough of her.
“Same
breakfast we had yesterday?” Lia asked when I joined her in the kitchen.
