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I raninto Papa in the hallway on my way to see Addie. He greeted me with a grim smile. “Hello, sweetheart.”
“They’ve sent me up to talk to her,” I said quietly.
“If anyone can get her to open up, it’s you. She looks up to you.”
“Papa? I’m scared,” I whispered.
He embraced me, smelling of pipe smoke and shaving soap. My papa. Once upon a time I thought there was nothing in the world he couldn’t fix. If only I’d been right. “I’m scared too. But we mustn’t give up hope.”
I took in a deep breath and asked God for courage, then walked into my sisters’ room.
Addie was sitting up in bed, propped against pillows. I had to fight tears. She looked small and tired, like someone who wanted to give up on life and be done with it. “Hi, baby sister. I heard you’re feeling poorly.”
“A little, yes.” She nodded and drew the covers closer to her neck. “Is it your turn to watch over me? Did I take you away from helping Poppy?”
I sat in the chair next to the bed. “No, we had a short day today.”
“I don’t need all of you looking at me every minute of the day.” She turned her face away from me. “Like I’ve done something wrong.”
“We’re all worried, that’s all. You’ve done nothing wrong.” I knelt on my knees close to the bed and pushed back a strand of her wispy hair from her clammy cheek. Her pink scalp reminded me of the underbelly of one of our piglets. How had I not noticed how thin her hair had become? I smoothed the bedcovers over her legs. Even through the thick quilt, I could see they were no rounder than twigs. “Tell me what’s going on, Addie. Why aren’t you eating?”
She slid further into bed, bringing the quilt up to her chin and staring at me with her big blue eyes. Her face seemed almost skeletal, with her once-golden-tinted skin taut over the bones. “I can’t tell anyone. I’m embarrassed.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“Not this.” She moved her gaze to the ceiling. A tear slipped from the corner of her left eye.
Papa had left one of his embroidered handkerchiefs on the bedside table. I took it and dabbed the dampness from her cheek. How could I get her to talk to me? A secret for a secret? “What if I told you something scary and embarrassing? Then we’d both be the keeper of each other’s secret.”
“You don’t have any secrets. Do you?”
“I do. A big one.” I folded Papa’s handkerchief into a square. “Do you want me to tell you?”
She nodded. “But I don’t know if I can tell you mine.”
“All right, that’s fine.” I’d tell her anyway, hoping that it would open her up to sharing hers. I glanced at the doorway and got up to close it. One could never tell when another Barnes was lurking around a corner to eavesdrop. I sat on the side of the bed. “I’m dressing up as a boy so I can compete in the ski-jumping competition.”
She blinked, as if she didn’t know if she’d heard me correctly. “Oh. You’re lying?”
“They won’t let women compete, so I have no choice.” I told her about Viktor and how he was training me every morning. “I want to get as strong as I possibly can before the competition.”
“Aren’t you afraid you’ll get in trouble?”
“Nah. I’ve been in trouble a lot, so I’m accustomed to it.”
“I want you to win,” Addie said. “To show them all you’re as good as any of those boys.”
“I want that too.” I placed my hand on her clammy forehead. “Can you tell me why you won’t eat?”
She turned onto her side. The covers drew back so that I could see under her cotton nightgown. As thin as her arms and legs were, her poor tummy was as round as a ball.
I drew in a deep breath, fighting against the panic that swept over me. “Addie, you have to eat.”
She covered her face with her hands. “I can’t.”
“Why? Sweetheart, tell me why.”
She pressed her lips together as if the words might fall out of her mouth.
“If you tell me, maybe I can help. Please.” The desperation caused my voice to rise. I had to be careful. Gentle. She must feel safe or I’d never get her to talk.
“Whenever I eat, my stomach cramps. Then I have to run to the toilet….and I have to go really bad. All day long, I feel like this. But only when I eat. If I don’t eat, then my stomach doesn’t hurt. Today I had breakfast. Mama made me, remember?”
There had been a battle at breakfast. I’d forgotten that, preoccupied with Viktor. Finally, Addie had given in and eaten the piece of bread Mama had insisted upon.
“Do you have an appetite?” I was starting to understand what she was saying to me. The consequences of eating were keeping her from eating, not a lack of hunger.
“Yes, I’m hungry all of the time. Until I eat, and then I’m sick.”
“Why didn’t you tell Theo?”
“I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want anyone to know…about the bathroom. At school, I’m miserable unless I don’t eat breakfast.” She turned back to her side. Tears streamed from her eyes. “I would rather die than feel like this any longer. What if no one can help me?”
“Doctors heal people. Theo can fix you.”
“I don’t think so.”
I dabbed at her cheek with the handkerchief. “Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Then you have to let me help you. I’ll tell Theo what you told me. With more information, he’ll be better able to diagnose what’s wrong. It’s the only chance you have of getting better.” My eyes stung with tears. Was I right? Would Theo be able to figure it out if he had more information? “You’ve not told him anything?”
“No. I told them all the same thing—that I’m not hungry.”
“You poor baby,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Cym.” She began to sob. “It’s awful at school. Girls started noticing I was in the bathroom a lot. One day, they told everyone that it was me who had made the toilet smell bad.”
I got onto the small bed and pulled her into my arms and stroked her hair. “I’m sorry, baby. We’re going to make you well. None of this is your fault. Of course you haven’t wanted to eat. No one would if they immediately felt sick afterward.”
“Am I dying?”
“No. You’re not dying. You’re a Barnes. We’re tough. We’ll figure out what all this is about and you’ll be well again. Do you hear me?”
“I hear you.” She shuddered against me. “I don’t want to go back to school. Everyone talks about me behind my back. I have no friends. Delphia’s probably humiliated by me.”
“Delphia loves you. She just wants you to get better. Don’t think about those girls right now. You’re to concentrate on getting better. Mama and Papa won’t make you go back there ever again if you don’t want to.”
Her tense little body relaxed against me. “I’m so tired, Cym. And cold. Always cold.”
“I know you are. Close your eyes. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep. But let’s fix your pillows first.” I got out of the bed and took one of the stacked pillows away so that she could lie down without craning her neck.
“You have to jump, Cym,” Addie whispered. “For all the girls who can’t. Or are too afraid.”
“I’ll do whatever you ask of me.” I kissed her forehead and then sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her back until her even breathing told me she was asleep. After I put another blanket over her, I got down on my knees to pray. Please, God, heal my sweet little sister. If one of us has to be sick, make it me.
