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He’s impossible to read, so I do my best to ignore the situation. I go hunting with the kits and try to learn how to distinguish tracks. I work on making fires. I practice sewing with Flor, who is endlessly patient with me and my repeated questions and poor handiwork. U’dron and Raven have taken it upon themselves to teach me how to fish, and even though it’s too cold for me to wade into the waters like U’dron does, they have a small raft made from driftwood that Raven sometimes uses for spear-fishing or to fish with a rod and lure.
O’jek doesn’t ask what I do all day. I don’t know if it’s occurred to him that I’m working on the very things he asked me to change. In a way, that’s frustrating, but what about O’jek’s recent actions isn’t? I tell myself I don’t care. That I see the pleased looks the rest of the tribe gives me, and I know I’m getting more out of this than just O’jek’s approval. The others seem thrilled that I’m making an effort—or that I’m not sad and depressed anymore—and I’m showered with lessons and gifts of small kinds. Bridget shows me how she makes her clay pots and I end up making one of my own that now sits proudly in my hut and holds slushy drinking water. Callie helps me scrape skins and Sam shows me how to catch the dreadful shrimp creatures so I can make a pot of shrimp tea if I’m up first thing in the morning. I never am, but I need to learn anyhow. Harlow gives me a sewing kit, and Hannah gives me packs of leaves for tea and flavoring food that I cook. N’dek and Devi show me how to dig for clams. I’ve even got a promise from R’jaal that he will take me out and show me how to set snares on wildlife trails, but I’m afraid to go hunting on my own, and I’m a little uneasy spending time alone with R’jaal.
Not because he’s unkind. He truly is the nicest. But I’m afraid he’ll have heard about my plan to make a baby, and he’ll know that O’jek turned me down, and he’ll ask me about it. And I don’t want to turn him down and hurt his feelings.
The truth is, I can’t imagine touching anyone but O’jek. My heart has settled on him, and even if he’s being prickly and impossible, I still want him.
“He’ll come around,” Bridget tells me as we work on making coils of clay in her little pottery cave. “His head’s just messed up at the moment. I think he wants you. It just scares him that he does, I think. From what A’tam says, his mom was a mess.”
I sigh. I haven’t told her about our nighttime pleasuring situation, because I don’t want that getting around in the tribe. “I just wish he’d give me more of a hint that he’s changing his mind.”
“Oh please,” Bridget says with a chuckle. “I noticed he was giving I’rec dirty looks the other day when he brought you two back from your little gathering trip. He looked like he wanted to wring I’rec’s neck for daring to stand next to you. And have you noticed that R’jaal tries not to stand near you by the fire? I think O’jek said a few words to him in private.”
Blinking in surprise, I forget all about the clay I’m rolling out. “What? Are you serious?”
She shrugs, her messy hands moving over the clay rope. “Here’s the thing with O’jek. He’ll pretend everything is fine even when it’s not. That’s the Shadow Cat way, I think. They’re determined to put on a good show to make everyone think it’s all hunky-dory. But at some point, he’s going to snap, and when he does, he’ll realize he needs you. You just have to wait for that moment.”
I hope she’s right.
Still…I’m awfully tired of waiting. It seems like I’ve been waiting an eternity for someone to realize they love me, and it’s wearing on my heart. Am I just a convenient person to make out with or is he going to love me?
Then, the thought fills me with grief. Why won’t he love me? Am I so very unlovable?
CHAPTER 25
DAISY
The next day is a beautiful one with the twin suns shining and a gentle breeze in the air. At the breakfast fire, I sit next to Elly and Angie. Elly is silent, as she always is, and feeding Emma small mouthfuls of food. Angie has two small babies and her mate is nowhere to be seen, so I sit with her to help. “Where’s your mate?” I ask her cheerfully, settling Glory on my lap and offering her a bite from my bowl. “Shouldn’t he be helping you feed these little beauties?”
