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“What reasons? I need to know. I have wondered … I have thought about this for a long time. Why did you leave me, when I would have followed you anywhere?”
His lips twisted into a sad smile. “I believed you would be miserable here. It is not your culture, and the strictures of palace life can be daunting. You yourself have remarked on how stifling my life must be.”
“I don’t believe you. You would have said that at the time, if that was your motivation.”
He dipped his head forward in concession.
“Was your mother miserable?”
“No,” he agreed with a shake of his head. “And I know now that you would have been as happy here as anywhere else.”
“More so, because I would have been with the man I loved.”
“Please, Olivia, do not use the past tense. I know you love me still, though perhaps you don’t trust me enough to admit it yet.”
She didn’t respond. Her heart knew that his words were truthful. But she didn’t want to give in to him.
“I had no intention of marrying anyone. Not for a long time. I met you, but I stubbornly clung to that decision. My job was to take the reins of the country and keep it in good stead. How I felt for you would distract me from that. It does distract me from that. And yet I still want to feel it. I cannot imagine a world in which I don’t have you. In which I don’t love you.”
She would not let him appease her so easily! She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. “You say you love me, and yet you accused me again and again of moving on with Ra’if.”
He winced. “It would have been the worst thing you could have done. It was my fear, not my belief.”
“You hurt me.”
He nodded, and stood. “I know.”
“I did move on with him, in a way,” she spoke softly, spinning away from Zamir and looking once more at the grove of fruit trees. Zamir was watchful, still on his knees, his heart hammering.
“Not romantically,” she rushed to add. “But he is so like you.” She smiled towards the nothingness. “I felt like I had some part of you still. Perhaps I was weaning myself at first. But then, Ra’if and I became friends. Good friends. I found that I was no longer waking up miserable. I was no longer sitting in a ball on my floor, waiting for the day to pass so I could try to sleep again.” She closed her eyes. “He brought me back to life after you left. So yes, I did move on with him.”
Zamir’s breath burned in his throat. “It should have been me. I want it to be me forever more. I want to be the person who can make you feel better. And I never want to bring you harm.”
“Why did you leave me?”
“I told you …”
“No.” She cut him off. Her voice rose as her impatience climaxed. “None of that makes sense. You were so cold when you left. You wouldn’t even speak to me. Can you imagine how it felt? One minute, everything was perfect. I loved you so damned much. And then you just left, as though I was a hotel you could check out of.” Tears were still running down her cheeks and she didn’t bother to stop them now.
“I regretted it instantly.”
“I don’t care,” she whispered hollowly. “You stayed away, and only came back when you thought I was sleeping with Ra’if. That you allowed your mind to go there, even for one minute, is beyond offensive to me.?
?
“Olivia,” the way he said her name sent shivers down her spine. “The throne of this land has taken more of a toll on this family than is fair. It claimed my mother. It ruined my brother. It has weakened my father. It is, in some ways, a curse.”
“No,” she shook her head. “It’s not cursed, and nor are you. You chose to walk away from me.”
“I know. That is the curse. The lure of duty. I chose the throne over you. I chose what I felt I owed to my country, over what I knew I owed to you. And to me, when I think about it. Just as my mother chose her duties over her children. And as my father chose his worries over his health. I don’t want to be like them.”
“Your father married for love,” she said angrily. “Why could he? And yet you seemed so set against the idea…”
“That’s complicated.” He stood, finally, and moved to stand beside her. He didn’t touch her. It would be too easy to overwhelm her with the desire that still coursed between them.
“Everything’s complicated,” she whispered, spinning around to face him. “How can I forgive you for this?”
“I told you…”
