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My eyes widened, “You did?”
“Yes, because I love you, Rae. I have for nearly as long as Pete.”
“Does he know?” I asked, refusing to say his name. I was still mad at Peter.
“Yeah, it’s not a secret. At least not for a long time. He’s known for years.”
I tilted my head, confused, “Who decided I wasn’t allowed to know? You or him?”
“I did,” he answered with conviction. “It was my choice to tell you, Rae. If and when I decided to tell you at all. Today was the first time I looked at you and knew I had to say something. After that kiss, I knew I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn’t take the opportunity to reveal the truth.”
“That makes sense,” I admitted, sighing. “Where does this leave us R.J.?”
“I don’t know Rae. My feelings won’t change, so I’ve done what I set out to do. All except for one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“I want to kiss you, not with Peter around or on your mind, not with danger lurking around the corner, and not with an audience. I want you to clear your mind. Let everything go and relax. Can you do that?”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
This was dangerous ground, and I wasn’t quite comfortable. Being with R.J. felt like I was cheating on Peter, but I wasn’t. It was nothing but a simple kiss between friends earlier at the cabin. Nothing more.
Right?
“Close your eyes my little darlin’.”
Internally I cringed. Maybe I should stop this. R.J.’s arms pulled me closer into his embrace. This was a bad idea. “I’m sorry R.J.”
His blue eyes were pained, “I understand Rae.”
I blushed, feeling sad for him and knowing that I cared but not the way he would desire, “You know how I feel about Pete.”
“Are you sorry I told you?”
“I’m happy I know the truth.”
Happy that I could let him down easy because I needed to do that before we left this hotel room. I think I was happy that he trusted me and cared enough to reveal his feelings. Secrets tore people apart and I hated them.
His answering grin melted any uncomfortable feelings we might have had, “Me too.”
I let him pull me closer to his chest and nestled my head on his shoulder. We’ve snuggled before, but up until this moment, I never thought about what it meant to him.
R.J. squeezed my arm with a soft sigh and cleared his throat, “I’m not going to ask you to give me answers right now. Someday soon you’ll have to think about today, and when you come to a decision, I want you to tell me right away, good or bad.”
I felt his kiss drop on the top of my head, “I will R.J. I promise.”
“We’re best friends first Rae, no matter what, and I don’t want to lose that because of today.”
His honesty meant the world to me, “Me either. I won’t let that happen to us.”
“Good.”
We lay in silence for long minutes, both of us internalizing the drastic change of events. I knew this kiss was pivotal in my relationship, make that friendship, with R.J. and I wanted to take time to consider what happened honestly. I needed to explore what this declaration of feelings meant for us and how it affected my relationship with Peter.
I was angry at him, but I loved him. Pete was my soulmate but as I lay in R.J.’s arms, I knew he was just as integral a part of my heart as Peter. Both guys had always been there for me and although I always thought of R.J. like a brother, I realized that my feelings did go slightly beyond friendship. Did they extend as far as my feelings for Peter?
No, I knew that and so I knew that choosing R.J. over Peter would never happen.
