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R.J. didn’t seem any better, he cleared his throat awkwardly.
For a moment I wanted to run to Rae and then reality sunk in.
She was too pure, I knew that now. Too good for my soiled and bloodied hands to touch. I didn’t deserve her and I sure as hell wasn’t good enough for her. Rae was out of my league, and I didn’t think for a second that she would actually accept my life and the RRMC.
My sordid past and connections to the Riders meant I was owned body and soul and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, drag her into my shit. Once she found out the truth of what I had become, she would run, and I knew it was the right thing for her to do. If she really cared, wouldn’t she have made an effort to find out what happened that night? Did she know I went to prison? Did she bother to find out if I was alright?
My head was fucking all over the place. I couldn’t think straight. My brain went haywire and seemed to sort of short circuit. I blinked once or twice in an effort to calm my shit down, but I was starting to lose it. It was too much – of her, my past, and I
couldn’t fucking deal.
All the while Rae stood, staring up at me with her wide brown eyes so doe-like in their innocence and trust. Fuck. So many conflicting emotions. So much chaos raged within me.
I’d have to give her up. I already made that choice and now that the moment was here, five years in the making, I fucking felt like I was going to have some kind of nervous breakdown. My heart broke at the thought of pushing her away, but there was no other choice.
“How are you Rae?” the words sounded forced from my throat and stilted.
She didn’t seem to notice.
Instead, she sucked in the right corner of her bottom lip, chewing nervously. A sure sign that she was nervous and uncertain. Funny how after all this time I still remembered every little quirk in her personality. Branded and seared into my brain, every little nuance, every like and dislike, every look and smile – she had so many – surfaced the moment she shyly whispered my name in response.
“Peter.”
Every thought in my head disappeared. Blank. Like I was a fucking moron.
What the hell?
“Pete,” she repeated with emphasis.
My reaction was instantaneous. A single shiver spread throughout my entire body as liquid heat coursed through my veins and burned with a desperate longing that almost made my knees buckle. She always had this effect on me. Time had deepened the connection and intensity of loss as if she gouged me with a sharp blade dipped in poison and the wound had festered and never fully healed, lingering beneath my skin only to burn in reminder. She was like a dangerous and addictive drug, one that would fucking kill me if I wasn’t careful.
Fighting for control over my body, I merely nodded, afraid if I spoke aloud she would see how much I still loved and wanted her. My fingers itched with the need to reach out and touch her, to feel the softness of her skin, to know the warmth of her lips once more. I wanted to brush my mouth across hers and taste her, see if she was as sweet as I remembered.
Rae was the epitome of temptation and desire, but I wasn’t stupid enough to risk her life more than once. I tried everything in the past, gambled, and lost; all in an effort to save her.
That was all that really mattered.
Rae was alive. Safe. Unharmed. Free.
Things I would never be, not now, not ever.
“Peter?”
Her soft question made me want to snarl and punch something like the caged and wild beast I had become. My voice was low and nearly guttural as I replied, crushing her hope as if it was a tangible thing I could break with my own two hands. “Nice seeing you Rae. Take care.”
Without a word I stomped past her and toward the glass doors of the QuickMart, my expression hard and unwavering as my heart shattered and broke into a thousand tiny pieces and scattered to the wet pavement below. R.J. was close by my side, his eyes cutting at me sideways but not questioning my choice. We both understood the danger our lives presented. As full members of the Ravage Riders, we could no longer make singular or selfish decisions.
Everything was about the club . . .
And we answered to Rafe.
I dared to look back just once and nearly crumpled at the expression of devastation and hurt that crossed her beautiful face. Rae, oh baby. I’m sorry. My heart called to her, but there was nothing I could do. I – Edge – was no longer free and I wouldn’t take the chance that a repeat of the past may take her life next time.
For all my good intentions, all the waiting and all the lonely empty nights, none of that was enough to bring her into my shit show of a life. All the effort and time wasted in search of her. The minutes I counted down until she was mine again. None of those things mattered anymore. Seeing her was torture but proved she was better off without me . . . and our past. She was out of danger in her world, safe and free.
Rae didn’t need me anymore.
Even if I needed her like oxygen to my deprived lungs.
