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Not even my dislike for Ben.
My Bean is the lungs, and every time I think about my other shit, I deprive my child of the air he needs to thrive.
It’s time to grow up.
Jim’s thumb comes up to press the crease between my eyes the way he’s done a million times before. “Stop scowling, Bubs. You’ll make that wrinkle permanent.”
Nausea rolls in my stomach as he pulls me in tight. I can feel the softball-type mass low in my belly when I lay in bed at night. I can feel it now, pressing between us and butting up against his solid body.
Does he know? Can he feel the very thing that makes him hate me?
“No.” His deep voice rumbles near my ear. “I don’t hate you, Bubs.”
I snap my head back to look into his eyes. “Huh?”
“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. It just hurts to love you, is all.”
“Just strong feelings of dislike and disgust, then?” I turn my face away and bite my lip for my lapse. I don’t want him to answer. This falls under the ‘any answer will hurt’ umbrella.
He shakes his head sadly. “Just rest against me for a minute, okay?” With a strong hand, he presses my head against his chest and forces me to sway, and because I’m weak and pathetic, I press in close and inhale him like the oxygen he is.
I’ve missed him so damn much.
I want to melt into him, to be able to touch him and smell him.
To be with him forever.
I’ve never been a damsel, I’ve never been in distress, and I damn sure don’t need a man. I’m the little sister in a large group of men, and since the day I could walk, I ran. I kept up with them, I proved I could do anything they could do.
But now that Ineedto be that strong, independent woman, I just want him to sweep me away and protect me forever.
“Let’s just pretend for a few minutes.” His voice catches in pain, but I can’t focus on his right now, because mine eats away at my stomach because of his careless words.
What would he like to pretend? That I’m not sullied? That I’m not used and broken?
I try to control it, I try to hold them back, but my baby making hormones have my emotions rocketing out of my control; my eyes spill over.
I knew dancing was a bad idea. There’s nothing left to say that won’t hurt. I’ve spent a lifetime planning my future with this man, my soulmate, my forever… but now it’s all ruined.
I’mnot ruined. I’m going to be a mama to my Bean. I’ll be the best damn mother on this planet.
But Jimmy and I –weare ruined.
Wecan never be together.
“I’m sorry.” I step back and try to ignore the hurt in his eyes. “It was really nice to see you, Jim.” Lie, but I can’t leave him without saying something nice. “Thank you for the dance, but I have to go now…” I pull my hand from his and pass as quickly through the crowded dancefloor as I can without causing a scene.
I keep my head down as big fat tears slide over my cheeks. Racing inside and slipping into the guest bathroom, I slam the door shut just before the sobs overtake my frame and physically wring me out.
