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Part III
Finally
26
Izzy
February
“Are you excited for tonight?”
I stand by Bean’s closet and fold tiny little onesies into an overnight bag. “No, Kit. I feel sick to my stomach about leaving her overnight.”
“But it’s your birthday!” Tink adds. “You need to go out, have fun.” She bounces her brows obnoxiously. “You can finally drink. Lose your virginity. Jim won’t go to prison for seducing a minor.”
I throw a packet of wet wipes at her head. “I turned twenty-one, not sixteen, Jesus!”
Picking up the packet and sitting it on the bed like she’s dignified and I’m the savage, she rolls her eyes. “Look, I know you’re sexually frustrated. I know it’s been a year since you were last laid, and that was with pencil dick Ben, but there’s no need to take it out on me.”
I spin in search of a second packet of wipes, but Kit snags my hand before I pick up a tub of butt cream. “Leave her alone, Casey.”
“Come on! You’re going to a fancy hotel,withoutthe kid, and you’re going with James –The fucking beast, thinks you hung the moon and the stars– Kincaid. What’s not to love?” She smirks. “I bet he doesn’t have a pencil dick.”
“Casey!”
“What?” She turns to face me. “What’s the problem?”
“I’m scared!”
“Of his ding-dong? It’ll only hurt the first time.”
“Jesus, Tink, stop!” Kit snaps.
“No! I mean yes, but… no.” My shoulders slump with fatigue. “I’m scared of leaving Bean overnight. I’m scared of being an hour away. I’m scared I didn’t pump enough milk.” I tick each fear off on my fingers. “I’m scared of being alone with Jim, because I know, without a doubt, my vag is sewn tighter than a granny’s purse – and I don’t mean that in a good way. I’m scared my husband willfinallyget to consummate his marriage… and I’m terrified he’ll be disappointed.”
Stopping what she’s doing and dropping a pile of diapers beside the overnight bag, Kit steps forward and takes my hands. “Wizzy. Honey. He wouldneverbe disappointed. That man loves you.” Her gaze bores into mine. “He wouldn’t care if he never got to make love to you. I mean, he’d care, but not enough to regret your marriage. He adores you, and he has for the better part of twenty years – and those twenty years didnotinclude sex. It’s safe to say, it’s not about sex for him.”
I sigh. I know this about him, but still. I’ll try, because he deserves a wife in every way. He deserves everything. “I know. He goes to bed every single night with a raging case of blue balls, but still, he’s never pressured me.”
Jim and I have finally found some kind of rhythm as parents. We’ve gotten Bean into a routine, flimsy as it may be, and each night, we’re finding time to be us; grownups, in love, who like to make out.
He’s gentle with me, he never pressures me for more, but while he’s a perfect gentleman,mymaking out has progressed to hair pulling, breathy groans, sitting in his lap, and enjoying the feel of his hard length pressing against my pyjama covered core.
I get carried away, he gets carried away, we end up flopping back to the couch like apocalyptic survivors, because just before I let it go all the way, I chicken out, and he has to excuse himself to the bathroom.
I’m cruel.
In the last month, I’ve considered – for about an eighth of a second – allowing him some kind of hall pass, to give the guy an opportunity to find elsewhere what he can’t get at home, but then I remember that I’m a possessive psycho, that he belongs to me, and that I would rip her face off – whoever she may be.
So that was a no.
“He doesn’t pressure you because he’s a gentleman, babe. He’d never pressure you. Tonight’s for you, for your birthday, and not because he’s expecting to get lucky.”
“I know–”
“So, get dressed, dump your baby, and go have some fun.”
“Don’t call it dumping.” I drop my head back and groan. “Because then I circle back around to feeling guilty and anxious about leaving her.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Tink walks from the closet with a tiny pink playsuit. “Reluctantly, let us convince you to let your daughter sleep at Kit’s house tonight, where her aunties will lovingly take care of her and spoil her and maybe let her taste chocolate for the first time, because she’s one of us. And you go out, with your husband, where you probably won’t get laid.”
“Sounds wild, right?”
“Sounds like Kit and I are getting the better end of the deal.”
