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“This was a love story,” she said. “But not for me and Leo. For us. You and me. I told you this because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes with your daughter that I made. Tell her you love her. Every day. Let her make art or go to school. Keep her safe.”
My hand trembled as it touched my stomach. I thought that I needed advice on how to raise my son, but maybe, I needed to speak to my mother to learn how to break the cycle of abuse that we were stuck in.
“My life was not the one I wanted, but Leo taught me that I was capable of love, and I loved you and Nikolai more than I loved anything. I know that I didn’t show you. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but now…” She trailed off, and there were tears in her eyes. She slid her hand away from mine and brushed them away from her cheeks. “Now, I know that my sister was right. I should have taken you both and run as far and as fast as I could. Sometimes, I hate Leo for keeping me here, and sometimes, I love him because if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have the two of you.”
She chuckled slightly.
“It’s a double-edge sword, I suppose.”
I didn’t know what to say. All my life, I’d thought my mother hated me. Turns out, she was doing what she thought was right. Her life had been shattered by a secret that wasn’t her own, and she’d given up everything to protect a woman she barely knew.
In some ways, I wanted to do better by my own children, and in others, I didn’t think that I understood motherhood as fundamentally as my own mother did.
“Don’t come back here,” she said, her voice hard as steel. “I won’t be taking visitors.”
“Mom…”
She shook her head. “This was the last time you’ll see me.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a letter. “Write to Leo,” she said. “Tell him what happened to me.”
On the paper was a PO Box. I was guessing this was how the two of them communicated over the years.
“Sasha.”
I looked up at my mother, taking a chance to memorize her still lovely face. “I love you.”
* * *
“Are you alright?” Dom asked. He jumped up as I walked into the waiting room. I felt as though I were walking through a fog. I didn’t know what I had expected from my mother today, but it hadn’t been what I received.
“I’m fine.”
Dom reached out and cupped my cheek. “You look upset. What did she say? You were in there for hours. I nearly stormed the place.”
I felt the weight of the paper my mother had given to me in my pocket. For a moment, I contemplated turning it over to my husband. He could find my uncle. It probably wouldn’t even be that hard.
But I decided against it. Leo lost enough. So had my mother. I hoped that he at least found the life that he wanted.
“She just wanted to talk,” I said. “Explain herself.”
Dom snorted. “What did she say?”
I was not a good actress, but I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could. I didn’t want to keep secrets from Dom, but I felt as though this was one of the few that was worth keeping.
“The same ‘ol,” I said.
For a moment, I worried that he would push me, but Dom knew me well. Instead, he wrapped me in his arms, and I fell into his embrace. I allowed the warmth of his body to give me strength. I had come to this prison hoping for answers, and yet, I’d gotten none. Somehow though, I felt an odd sort of peace settle over me.
I could put the demons of my childhood to rest.
“Let’s go home,” I told Dom as I pulled away. “I want to see Fiona.”
“Are you sure you are okay?”
I nodded. “I am.”
He looked as though he didn’t believe me.
But oddly enough, I was okay. I knew my mother’s story now, and I would make sure that my own daughter never felt the way I did. She would not be a pawn in a game of men. She would be whatever she wanted.
It was time to put the past away and look towards the future. Dom and I would welcome our son into a whole new world, and the next generation would be better than ours.
After all, isn’t that how these things worked?
