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“Hopefully, but a part of me worries it won’t solve my problems. The stigma of being an ex-con will follow me for the rest of my life. If it’s not this person throwing bricks and bombs through windows, it’ll be someone else.”
I feel sick to my stomach and am more worried for Noah than I want to admit.
“I know it’s easier said than done, but positive thinking goes a long way. Many have rebuilt their lives under worse circumstances.”
“I want to, but what happened didn’t just affect me. It affected the whole town.” He blinks, then meets my eyes. “Especiallyyou.”
“I wish you would’ve let me be there for you,” I say softly. “You didn’t give me a choice. You took that from me.”
“Katie, I know.” He sets down his sandwich and inches closer. “And if you’re ready, I’ll explain everything. It won’t change a damn thing, but maybe it’ll help you understand that it wasn’t you, it was me.”
I swallow hard because while I do want answers, I haven’t been ready to hear them. But it’s time, especially if we’re going to repair our friendship.
Slowly, I nod. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I take a bite of my sandwich as he swallows down a spoonful of soup. He lowers his eyes briefly before meeting mine, and I can see the remorse and pain behind his gaze.
“After the incident, I was overwhelmed with shame and didn’t want anyone’s pity. Going to prison wasn’t punishment enough, but losing you would hurt me the most. I assumed you’d be disgusted with me and what I’d done, but I should’ve known better. You weren’t even mad at me. Instead, you cried on my shoulder at the funeral and clung to me like I was your life support. I didn’t deserve it. Once I was behind those bars, I went numb. I craved your touch and allowed my thoughts to self-sabotage everything. I quickly went into a downward spiral of anger and depression. Images of Gabe on the floor unconscious consumed me while the memories of him hooked to the ventilator fighting to live haunted my dreams. It was impossible to sleep or eat, and when you sent me that first letter, I couldn’t understand why you didn’t hate me. I despised myself and thought I didn’t deserve your friendship.”
Noah licks his lips as I take in his words. The pain in his voice and how low he thought of himself hurts my heart.
“When you sent me the second letter with a baby picture of Owen, the realization that you’d be raising him as a single mom hit me so hard, I lost control. I got into a fight with my cellmate over something so damn stupid, I ended up getting into more trouble. It’s probably why my dad has suggested I talk to a therapist more than once.”
“What were you fighting over?” I ask to break the tension.
“Honestly, I don’t even remember. I just wanted him to hit me. I needed to feel physicalpain.”
I swallow hard. “Noah.”
“I felt dead inside, and that was the only thing that made me feel alive, even if it was only temporary. What I did to you wasn’t right by any means, but ignoring your letters and denying your request to visit was how I punished myself. It was selfish, and I realize that now.”
“You wanted to suffer?” I ask softly, trying to understand.
He nods sheepishly. “Yes, I deserved it. You were giving me a get out of jail free card, and after what I’d done to you and Owen, I couldn’t accept it. After years of pushing you away, I was too embarrassed for you to see me at rock bottom in a jumpsuit and unshaven. I didn’t even want Gemma and my dad to visit, but I knew that I couldn’t stop them.”
“You never have to be embarrassed about anything in front of me,” I ensure him. “Ever. No matter what. I thought you knew that?”
“I did,” he confirms. “But it didn’t matter because I was ashamed and mortified. Though I’m in love with you, I knew I’d never deserve you, and I thought if I pushed you away enough, you’d move on and find true happiness. I’d hoped anyway. I thought when I did get out, you would’ve gotten remarried and moved on, making the temptation to kiss you disappear.”
My heart nearly bursts out of my chest, and I blink hard as I repeat his words in my head. “Did you just admit that you’re in love with me?”
He tilts his head and furrows his brows. “Yeah, I-I thought I made that pretty clear when we kissed.”
I hold up my hand and shake my head. “No, no. You said you had acrushon me andwerein love with me. As in, past tense.”
The corner of his lips tilts up slowly. “I’ve been in love with you, Katie Walker, since I was fifteen years old, maybe even younger. That’s never changed and never will. I tried for years to forget those feelings, but it was useless. My heart can’t not be in love with you.”
I blink to keep tears from falling, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. The ache in my chest feels like it’ll combust at any moment.
“I really want to kiss you right now…” I whisper. “But I’m so conflicted,” I choke out, hating that I’m crying in front of him. Doing what my heart says shouldn’t be this complicated, but it always has been when it comes to Noah.
Noah kneels next to me, and I turn slightly while wiping my cheeks.
“I know exactly how you feel, Katie. There’s absolutely no pressure, and I don’t expect anything from you. As long as I have your friendship, I’ll die a happy man.”
I chuckle softly as I stare into his deep brown eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. It’s exhausting trying to stay mad at you, and I don’t want to harbor that anger anymore.”
Noah smirks at me as if I’ve just hung the moon, and my cheeks heat. “What?” I ask.
