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But we need him in our lives, cold-bloodedness and manipulativeness included.
Yes, he can be a monster, but he usually chooses not to at home. It’s a mature choice he made a long time ago after the fights stopped, and one he’ll continue to make.
But even if he doesn’t, we’ll deal with it when it comes.
One thing’s for certain, Killian will always be my son.
I’ll never forget the tears in Reina’s eyes when she held him in her arms for the first time. “Look at him, our baby is so beautiful, Ash.”
“He is.”
“He would’ve been more beautiful if he was a girl, but oh well, we can always try again.” She kissed his forehead. “I love you to bits, baby.”
“Can he play football with me, Daddy?” Gareth asked me while he craned his neck to see his brother.
“Sure thing. We can teach him.”
“Yes!” He kissed his brother on the cheek. “I’m gonna teach you all the things.”
That moment seems like it happened yesterday. I think the reason it’s coming back to me now is because this scene is creepily similar to it.
It’s been such a long time since the four of us have felt like a connected family. Killian always, without doubt, ruined it.
He was acting out, I now realize, demanding the attention he thought he was due.
At this moment, he doesn’t seem like he feels the need to.
“Now”—Reina pulls back—“did you say Glyn left?”
Seeming to have recalled the reason he’s been behaving like a beast in the middle of the night, Killian clenches his jaw and nods.
“It wasn’t me,” Gareth says, softer this time. “If I’d wanted to do that, I would’ve done it back at campus, not here.”
My wife strokes Killian’s arm. “Was she mad at you?”
“Very.”
“If you apologize, she might listen.”
“I don’t think an apology would cut it. She…” He trails off, then lowers his head. “She looked both scared and disgusted with me. She’s never looked at me that way before and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“First things first, don’t be yourself. It’d do more harm than good,” Gareth tells him and Killian flips him off.
“On the contrary,” I say. “Be yourself. If she can’t deal with you at your worst, then you’ll eventually suffocate her and she’ll hate you. And you’ll probably hate her, too, and it’ll turn into a vicious cycle.”
“If you truly care about her, then pursue her, Kill,” Reina supplies.
“You think?”
“I’m sure. How do you think your father got me? He just refused to leave me alone and I had to settle.” She sighs, eyes filled with glimmering emotions. “It helped that I’d loved him since I was a teen, though.”
I’ve been married to this woman for over twenty-five years, and she still makes me fall for her harder every day.
Every single moment.
She’s not the reason behind my happiness—she’s the definition of the word.
Killian marches to Gareth and wraps an arm around his shoulder. “We’re going back to campus.”
