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“My weight?!”

“We know it must be hard, being the big girl,” Chelsea said, “but that’s no reason to act up like this, it only draws attention to yourself. So what if you aren’t thin like us? It doesn’t make you a worse person, Gemma. You’ll get a boyfriend! You don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

“I’m not trying…” I was suddenly stone cold sober. So sober that my teeth started to chatter in the night chill. I gawped in shock. “You think I dance and have sex because I’m trying to prove I’m not too fat to get a boyfriend?!”

“Don’t you?” Chelsea challenged. “I mean you’ve always danced... but since we’ve been here you’ve been making an all-out spectacle of yourself.”

“I’ve been having fun...” I said. “Feeling free. I love dancing.”

“Yeah, well, maybe dancing doesn’t love you!” she said. “Don’t you realise what it looks like for the rest of us? Our bubbly slutty friend burning up the dance floor?”

Tears pricked, but I choked them back, knocked sideways by Chelsea’s attack but not sideways enough to cry. “That’s what I am, is it? Yourbubbly slutty friend?”

Finally Tess found conviction of voice. “No, of course not.” She elbowed Chelsea aside. “We were just worried, that’s all, worried that you’re under a lot of pressure.”

“Pressure of being too fat and ugly to get laid? Is that what you think?”

“No,” Tessa sighed. “That’s not what we think.”

“That’s not whatyouthink,” I said. “Unlike Barbie over here. Dancing has nothing to do with my weight. Sex has nothing to do with my weight. I’m not overcompensating, I’m not insecure, and I’m not jealous, I’m just having fun. I thought you knew that... I thought you were my friends...”

“Oh, God, let’s get the violins out,” Chelsea said. “Just because we said you could probably do with losing a bit of weight, don’t make us into demon bitches. You’ve been acting like a slut, and we called you out on it. It’s out in the open now, let’s move on.”

I stood mute. Dumbfounded.

“It’s not just the dancing, or the sex, or the drinking...” Chelsea added. “You’ve changed in London. The new job as well... who seriously does sex chatline for a living? I mean, sure, as a side thing, but what about a real job?”

“A real job?! Likeyourreal job?!”

“Modelling is arealjob,” Chelsea said.

“I’m not even getting into this,” I said. The tears were pricking again. I itched to tell them to get fucking stuffed, ached to offload two barrels straight for them, and tell them how it really was.

I’ve always been curvy, but I’ve never felt fat, and sure as hell never felt ugly. My parents always taught me that being beautiful came from the inside as well as out. They taught me to appreciate being different. Taught me to value the green of my eyes, and the rich copper tones in my hair. Taught me that my freckles made me different, and pretty, and cute. Taught me that it’s ok to dance like nobody’s watching, that it’s ok to feel comfortable in your own skin.

They didn’t teach me about sex. That came along all on its own.

Nobody encouraged the need in me for sex with strangers. The dark calling to be taken by men I didn’t know. Multiple men I didn’t know. Rough, hot, sweaty brutal men I didn’t know, who’d treat me like a dirty girl and have me any way they wanted.

That was all from me.

“Don’t let’s bloody fall out over this,” Chelsea groaned. “We’re trying to help.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’ll get a cab home.”

“Don’t be like that,” she said. “Just tone it down, ok? That’s all we’re asking.”

I squeezed Tessa’s arm on the way past, horrified to find her as pale as I was. There were some words I didn’t catch, and Tessa was after me, following me through to the main doors with no sign of blondie in tow.

My tears were flowing by the time she caught up with me.

“Christ, Gem, I’m sorry. That was a right fucking pig’s ear back there.”

“Enlightening...” I said.

“You know what she’s like. Anything over a size minus zero can’t possibly be desirable, nobody really thinks that. She means well, you know she does. She’s just worried about you.”

“Yeah, well, I was doing just fine before all that shit.”

Source: www.allfreenovel.com
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