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I smiled, despite myself. “Many times, and she was as filthy as her fantasies. She lapped up every single crazy thing I had to give her, and back then I was stupid, I thought we could hide it, I thought it wouldn’t matter. But Rachel craves attention more than she craves sex, only I didn’t know her well enough to realise that. She’d photograph every mark I ever made on her, emailing me a copy so I could take pride in my work outside of office hours. I figured she’d delete them, figured she’d be careful, but Rachel isn’t careful, she doesn’t think through her actions.”
I watched Lydia watching me, and she was biting her lip in the way that I love, the way that makes my dick twitch. “Go on...” she prompted.
“I’d been in that company since university, Cat, it was like a home to me, my whole fucking life was there, years and years of work. I’d worked my way up to the top, and it meant the world to me.”
“What did she do?”
“Rachel didn’tdoanything, it’s what shedidn’tdo. She didn’t delete her photographs and she didn’t delete her emails. Every single photograph and sordid conversation was right there for the taking, and her husband did the taking, he read the whole fucking lot of it, copied every single picture on her phone, and then he went insane, called me a wife-beater, a psychopath, every fucking name under the sun. He even called the police, and when Rachel wouldn’t press any kind of charges, he emailed the all-staff email group on our company email and attached every single photo she’d ever taken of us. My boss went berserk, reeling for his friend. Life caved in, and the rest is a lot of painful history.”
“He fired you?!” Lydia asked, mouth open.
“No. It would have been easier if he had,” I sighed. “He didn’t fire me, but he made it clear every fucking day how disappointed he was in me. He railed me for unprofessional conduct, started micro-managing every single thing I did, claiming he couldn’t trust me anymore, but worse than any of that was the way he looked at me. He looked at me like I was a monster, and the rest of the company followed suit. If you’ve never experienced that, Lydia, I hope you never will. People you’ve known for years whispering in the corridors, looking at you with suspicion and mistrust, like you’re some kind of savage animal who needs locking up. Women in the office didn’t want to be alone with me, women I’d known for years unwilling to meet my eyes, and some of the men, well, they made it pretty clear what they thought of me.”
“Shit, James, I’m so sorry.” Lydia was pale, her eyes wide in sympathy. I had to look away to continue, staring at nothing but the floor.
“I wasn’t a monster, Cat, I never did anything to her she didn’t ask me to, and I never would. I’m not a rapist or a wife-beater, I’m no thug.”
“I know you’re not,” she smiled. “You’re nothing like that.”
I couldn’t help but smile back, the absurdity tickling me. “I like hurting women, Lydia, but only if they want me to. I understand why that may be difficult for some people to comprehend.”
“Did you leave, then, leave your job?”
“I had to, in the end. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Rachel left first, moved in with me and got a job in a beauty salon.It’ll blow over, she said,just give it time. But it didn’t blow over, people don’t let that kind of shit go, Cat, I would have always been the monster.”
“What did you do?”
“We moved, here, to London, and eventually I got the job at Trial Run. I worked hard, kept my head down, and worked my way back up to CTO. I’d lost everything last time around, my friends, my job, my respect. Rachel was all I had, and for a while it was ok, I loved her, I really did. Her divorce came through and we got married, started rebuilding a life together, but this time around I was wary. I compartmentalised my life, splitting myself into two different people; the side at home, and the side at work. Rachel didn’t understand it at first, it frustrated her, but she met back up with Bex, a friend she’d known since school, and our lovely Rebecca justgotit, she gotme. Along came Explicit, to expand our horizons, and I found the liberation of the mask. It worked for me, Lydia, it worked so well. In the mask I could be the beast inside, the beast who craves tears and pain and hot, wet cunt. The other James Clarke went to work, and kept himself private. I never even introduced Rachel to my new colleagues, she never came to a single work party. She hated me for it, I know, but it was the only way I knew to be safe.”
Lydia moved closer, just close enough to rest her hand on my knee. “I had no idea, James, no idea at all.”
“That’s always been the plan, Cat, to keep it all separate. The chimera is my embodiment of my lifestyle choice; one body, two creatures. I was comfortable like that, it was a way to make it work.”
“I get that,” she said. “I get it, James.”
“Anyway, the relationship didn’t work out. I got busy at work, and Rachel didn’t understand. She craves attention, like I said, and my attention was no longer enough for her. We had a healthy open relationship within the bounds of Explicit, so I thought, but she must have disagreed. She fucked around, Lydia, so much it was embarrassing. I forgave her, told myself it didn’t matter, that it was part of who we were, but it’s a fine line, trust, and over time we fell apart. She never kept her promises, and I stopped expecting her to. We gave it one final shot: no other partners, no more lies.” I finished my coffee. “It was Rebecca who finally pulled the plug, she told me Rachel had been cheating all along.”
“Jaz told me that,” she whispered.
“Jaz didn’t agree with Rebecca’s decision, but I’m glad she told me. I walked in on Rachel with another man, a man I’d come to know quite well within Explicit. He was more mortified than she was, I felt strangely sorry for him if truth be told.” I looked at Lydia, at the soft pools of her eyes, the sloping interest in her brow line. “And you know what he said?”
She shook her head.
“He turned to Rachel, full of rage, and he said,I thought you said you were fucking estranged?” I laughed bitterly, just like I had at the time. “I guess I had that one coming, since I inadvertently did the same thing, no doubt, to husband number one.”
“You didn’t know!” she said, squeezing my knee. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, it’s all old news now, history. I was devastated after Rachel, it took me a long time to pick myself up. I figured I’d focus on work-James, keep my life stable, and keep Masque private, weekends only. It was working well, until one day I stepped into the office kitchen and found myself staring into the green eyes of heartbreak personified. You snared me then, Lydia, you were so fucking beautiful, so raw.”
She smiled. “You got under my skin too, Mr Clarke. So much, before I’d even seen Masque, before I knew anything about him.”
“Rebecca claims I wanted you at Explicit the whole time, maybe she’s right, maybe I always wanted that.”
“Well, you got it,” Lydia said gently. “And I got Masque.”
“I can’t risk my life falling apart again, Lydia, I can’t open myself up for that shit. I know what it feels like to watch everything you’ve built up crumble into nothing. I don’t want to do that all over again.”
“I don’t expect you to,” she sighed, resting her forehead against mine. “I’ll never do that to you, James, I swear. I’ll never leave you so exposed, and I’ll never risk your job. I’d leave myself before you suffered, I promise.”
