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She shook her head. “I don’t have long. I’ve got to sort my things.”
“You’re really going to Brighton? To Trevor?”
“It was that or Warwick,” she said. “And Mum’s doing fine without me, she’s happy with Mr Bingo.”
I cast my eyes about, checking for eavesdroppers. “I’m so fucking sorry, Lydia, I never meant to hurt you.”
Her eyes pooled instantly, but this time she made no move to choke it back, none at all. “It’s ok,” she said. “It was casual, we both knew that.”
“It wasn’t casual,” I whispered. “None of this was casual.”
“It’s funny,” she said, with a sad smile. “I spent my whole life trying to be strong, trying not to cry, but I was wrong. Breaking isn’t weak, James, it’s strong. Being able to wear your heart on your sleeve and let other people see your pain, that’s strong. I was hurt after Stuart, really hurt, but it never hurt like you did. Losing you was a million times worse than Stuart ever was, and that’s ok, because it set me free.” She smiled as she wiped tears from her eyes. “You know, I got so sad I even rang my mum. I rang her and I told her everything, because nothing could feel worse than I felt anyway, nothing she could say would be that bad.”
My eyes were heavy, they burnt under the weight of her gaze. “What did she say?”
“She said a lot,” Lydia smiled. “More than I expected, and it helped. You know what I figured? I spent so much of my life being strong for other people, that I had no idea how to let them be strong for me. I never gave Mum a chance to be there, I never ever let her in.” She put a hand on my arm. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for breaking me.”
My hands were clammy, shaking. I could hardly swallow for the pain in my throat. “Don’t do this, Lydia, please don’t go. You were right and I was wrong, we can get over this, it was nothing, a storm in a teacup. The world didn’t end here, Cat, not with Stuart storming in, it ended when you walked out. Please don’t leave.”
“And then what? We go back to being Lydia and James, professional co-workers?”
“No... yes...” I said. “I don’t know.”
She smiled a smile so tender it took my breath. “It’s not enough, James. I need someone who’ll put themselves on the line for me, like I put myself on the line for you. I want someone who can love me, who can be with me for who I am. I never wanted that before, but I do now. If I’m here with you I’ll never find that person, there will only ever be you.”
“And what if Iamthat person?” I breathed. “What if Icanbe that man?”
“But you can’t, you said it yourself. Your life is too compartmentalised, too rigid. There’s no place for chaos, James. There’s no place forme.I’ve got to go, Frank’s waiting.”
I fisted my hands in my hair. Palpitations ratting through my chest. I was sweaty, hot, exposed, thoroughly out of my comfort zone and hating every second of it. People were gathering at the sidelines, keeping a nosey eye on our exchange. I found I no longer gave a shit about any of it, about my stupid job, or this stupid place, or Salmons, or stupid fucking Trevor White. I no longer cared what any of them thought of me, because none of them mattered.
Only one.
Lydia mattered.
I pulled her towards me, and she wheezed at the contact. “Let me go, James,” she breathed. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“I can be that man,” I said. “Let me be that man.”
Her lip trembled, eyes welling up again. “Don’t,” she said. “Please, James, don’t break me like this.”
“I’m not breaking you,” I whispered. “I’m breaking me.” I searched her eyes with mine, begging for absolution. “Do you love me, Lydia?”
The tears I craved spilled freely from her. “More than you could know,” she said. “More thanIcould’ve known.”
“Then be with me, Cat, please, I can be that man.”
“Stop it,” she hissed. “Please, I can’t take it!”
“I mean it,” I said. “I want to be that man. Iamthat man.”
“And you’ll stand at my side in front of the whole world, will you? Declaring it to everyone who’ll listen?”
I wrung my hands together, knuckles white, trying to jam my thoughts into some kind of order as she stared up at me.
“Thought not,” she said. “Goodbye, James.”
“Fucking hell, Lydia Marsh,” I seethed. “I can’t believe you’re fucking doing this to me. I’m going to slap your ass so fucking hard for this little stunt.” I yanked her elbow, pulling her into my arms as the whole of the fucking admin team looked on. For all their gasps and open mouths, not one of them looked so shocked as Lydia herself. She bit her lip, just like she always does, and this time I really did suck it into my mouth. I kissed her like my life depended on it, and after a moment’s hesitation she kissed me right back.
