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“But if the hat fits?”
“Hecan be a little strong-willed,” she said. “You’re more, I dunno… passionate.”
“Highly strung,” I said. “That’s the term you’re looking for.”
“Maybe,” she laughed.
“Definitely.” I offered her a sample of my drink but she shook her head. “Andy would also add flighty and whimsical.”
“I’ve heard him use those words,” she admitted. “But he likes you. Like really likes you. I just don’t think someone like him knows how to handle someone like you. I don’t think he knows how to back down or kneel at your feet or whatever you want him to do. I’ve been here over two years, and I’ve never seen him come even close to giving way over something, not once, ever. He’s always had it all his own way, and that’s always been ok.”
“You’re making excuses for him. It’s sweet, but unnecessary.”
“Yeah, well,Ilike him, too.” She sucked her lip ring into her mouth and I wondered where her mind was at, if she was there, on his cock, with her cute little tits bouncing for him. “But I know my thing is a crush. He’s my boss, and I like him, even though he’s nasty to me at least eighty percent of the time,” she laughed. “He likes you, Faye. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. There’s no way you’d be here.”
“You do seem to be forgetting he doesn’t have a choice. I’m a legal director. We’re legally bound together fifty-fifty.”
She shook her head. “Your desk is in the same room as his, and he let you write on his chest in lipstick, he had a choice over those things.”
“You talk like they’re on the same scale of compromise.”
“Aren’t they? I’d never have imagined him letting you back in his office. That’s like the ogre’s domain.”
My cheeks burned at the memory. “I had to resort to physical warfare to get my desk in his office. I simply out-crazied him. As for the lipstick, technically he let me handcuff him to his chair, the rest was dubious consent at best.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” she said. “He looked like he was enjoying himself. I guess you’ll always just have to push him hard for what you want, and sometimes he’ll give in.”
“And that’s just it,” I said, “I don’twantto push him hard. I don’t want to out-crazy him, or fight him, or gag him so he can’t talk back. I want him to offer, I want him to give himself to me in the same spirit I give myself to him whenhe’swon the pissing coin toss. I want him tomeanit. I want to beequals.” I was manic and unreasonable, I could see it in Topaz’s cute little button eyes. The twin terrors of rejection and frustration were snapping at my ankles, rearing up in the same way they’d done in Italy whenever Vincent poked me too pissing hard. But in Italy I’d subdued them, hidden them, learned to swallow them down under the threat of Vincent’s twistedlessons. Here was different. Here was so different. I didn’twantto back down, I wanted to stand tall, and I wanted towin. I just wanted to fuckingwin.Winsomething. Winhim.I wantedhimto be the one to bend forme. Fat fucking chance.
“You’ve been back three weeks,” she whispered. “Do you think maybe you’re being a little harsh?”
Yes.Yes, I’m being harsh. I’m being harsh and ridiculous and lashing out at the wrong fucking man.“It’s the way I feel,” I said. “I’m not apologising for that. Not ever again.”
“I don’t think you should apologise for it, I just think…” she lowered her eyes. “Sorry, this is none of my business.”
“You rode the man’s cock last night while he was cuffed to a gurney with his mouth clamped open, and I was the one who coerced you. Strongly. The boundaries of polite conversation have been safely breached, Topaz. My fucked-up relationship with Andy Morgan is very definitely your business.”
“This isn’t about Mr Morgan, though, is it? Not really.”
“It’s totally about Andy.” I let out a melodramatic sigh. “And maybe just a little about Vincent, too.”
She looked so kind, so sad for me. “It must have been hard to walk away from something like that, I mean, I read those books.”
“I didn’t walk, I ran. Fast. Before I could change my mind.”
“And are you changing your mind?” Doe eyes were so enticing, sucking me in to spill all my secrets, but I didn’t care anymore. I was fat out of friends, and fat out of sounding boards.
“I don’twantto change my mind.” My voice had shrivelled to a pathetic rasp. “I don’twantto want him. I don’twantto go back there. I don’twantto believe all his shitty little promises.”
“But you think you will anyway?” Her eyebrows shot up. “He’s coming for you, isn’t he?”
I nodded. “He was always coming. I just figured I’d be ready for it.”
“But you’re not?”
I shook my head. “It was naive, thinking running back here would give me something to hold onto. Somewhere to hide. Like that would ever be enough to protect me from someone like Vincent.”
“But it could be, no? If Mr Morgan meant something? If he was worth holding onto?”
