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"Were you two in love?"
"I certainly was, and your mother was always a romantic. I think she saw some grand romance in her life. And I don't know about her, but for me, she was it."
Something about that romance part ate and nibbled at the back of my mind.
I knew the mother that I had grown up with was different than the woman that Antonio had met. But I remembered something she'd said when I had my first crush and she knew it was destined for heartbreak.
Kaya, love isn't about a grand romance. Love is about little everyday choices to make someone happy. The choice to pick up the groceries, to clean up after yourself, to put someone else's needs ahead of your own. That is love. Romance is great. It canbe fun, but it's fleeting. But a partner is the person you can truly love.
I watched the man who was telling me these things about my mother. Things I didn't know but could possibly be true. Or maybe they weren't and this was all some big lie.
"And she was always like that? Dreaming of a romance?"
"Yeah, you know, always looking at magazines. I should have married her. Honestly, I don't know what I was waiting for. I was a fool. I should have just done it. Didn't she tell you anything about me, growing up?"
"No. We were hiding and didn’t ever discuss you. As I said, I didn’t know your name until I found her files. She never made much time for romance with a life on the run."
"That must have really tarnished her passions. Your mother wasn't one for practicality. She depended on me for so much, and I'm quite saddened that you were deprived of so many things growing up. I should have been there for you, and your life could have been much different. She shouldn't have kept us apart."
I looked at him, observing his reactions to what I said. "Maybe she did change. I remember there were times that she would watch this old movie over and over again. God, what was the name of it? I can't remember."
"Ah yes,Casablanca. She loved that one, even though they didn't end up together. I always wondered how she could watch that. Like I said, she was a romantic."
I understood her well enough to know she would have told any lie to survive and complete her mission. At the core of it, she was a survivor.
He didn't have some grand love affair with my mother. He didn’t know her at all. The movie she’d watched over and over again on repeat wasCarmen Joneswith Dorothy Dandridge.
"Really?Casablanca? I didn't know that about her."
"Oh yes, she loved it. She loved all those old movies."
"I do know that. ButCasablanca.That just seems like a different person."
"You know, time can change things. But she was such a romantic when we were together. She believed love was the core of everything. We used to do these puzzles, you know. She loved them. Like the one that you brought me. The box she had constructed. Do you think you can open it? She must have shown you."
I shook my head. "No, I don't know how to open it."
"Oh, I'm sure you could if you thought it through. She must have given you some hint, some clue."
I watched him. His eyes scrutinized my face.
"I don't know what to tell you. I wish I had a different answer, but I don't know how to open that box. I’d never seen it until recently, so I don’t know the first thing about it."
His gaze became intense then. "Now would not be the time to lie to me, sweet Kaya. Lying to your father would be a mistake. The kind of mistake that your mother made. I want you to take some time to really think this through, because you are going to get me into that box, or you won't be making it home to see your friends and loved ones."
I smiled up at him beatifically. "Aw, Dad! Here I thought we were bonding. In this moment I can tell you that one thing has become be very, very clear to me. Even if I did know how to open the box, the last person I would open it for is you."
Kaya
I stood in front of the man who was my biological father, staring into his cold, calculating eyes. How could I be this man'sdaughter, and yet he didn’t feel anything for me at all? Whatever connection I thought I would find, the answers I’d been looking for, nothing was here.
I’d been left behind or lied to by so many people in my life. My mother had abandoned me. Probably, for a good reason, but still, she never came back. Never once checked on me. And maybe she couldn't at first. Maybe she was hurt or something, but in Croatia, Magda had said that she'd seenher six months ago. So she was lying to me by not showing up.
And you weren’t lying to yourself?
The life I'd carved out for myself was a half-life. One where I was so careful of my emotions and never getting too close to anyone. Then Jasper Saint came along and made me feel safe. Made me feel like someone gave a fuck about me and what I wanted.
And then he left.
