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“You did,” he shakes his head, grinning.
I’m not sure what I was expecting from Ren tonight, but him being so caring and open to Sammy has hit something within me. He is a far cry from the man I thought he was when he kidnapped me. Even though that sounds like a crazy statement, it’s no less true.
“Thank you for being nice to him. But if he does call you, he’ll probably ask you for money. Just don’t give it to him.”
“Why?”
“He’ll use it to buy drugs. I’ve tried to help him get work and to clean up so many times. But as soon as he gets any sort of money, he slips. The drugs have a grip on him, and he can’t afford the good stuff, so he knows he’ll be dead if he keeps going. I think Maggie helps. He likes to be around for her.
“Actually, he used to be a Barrister. Funny huh? But a client started shouting him nights out. Racked up the lines of coke. Didn’t think it was a problem until once in a while, turned into every weekend. Then every day. Then it got really expensive, lost his license, firm, wife, kids. Then turned to the cheaper, harder stuff and there you have it.”
When we get to the car, Ren opens the door and waits until I’m seated before he closes it. He walks around the front of the car, and once he’s settled and the engine is running, he turns to me.
“How did you meet him?”
“Well, because of Jade.” I don’t know what’s come over me because my mouth moves on its own. “We went to high school together. She was a bit... troubled, but we seemed to get along. Bonded over our dropkick fathers.”
I laugh a little and see a smirk on Ren’s lips. But he’s still quiet, waiting for more, so I keep going.
“In year eleven I convinced my dad to send me to Japan on an exchange program for the year. He wanted a break from me, and I wanted away from him, so it worked. But when I got back, she wasn’t at school anymore.”
This is it, another shitty trip down memory lane. I can’t believe I’m actually going to tell Ren this, and I’ve only known him a few days. I just can’t seem to stop myself.
“Anyway, my dad made me pack pills in little bags with a purple sticker. It wasn’t hard. I used to binge watch TV shows at one of his houses while I did it. Then one night I was leaving a club and saw Jade in an alley. It looked like she was living there. She looked terrible. Definitely fell into some bad stuff. So, I gave her money so she could get a room and told her I’d be back the next day.”
This was when it all smacked me dead in the face. What this life is about. How everything that I had was because I ruined other people’s lives.
“When I went back...” My voice hitches and I glance away, but Ren squeezes my knee gently, urging me to continue.
It gives me the extra strength that I need.
“She was lying in the same street, and when I went to wake her, she was cold and stiff.” I can even remember the smell, it was so foul and off, I could taste it in the back of my throat. “And right next to her was a small bag with a purple sticker.”
Regret, shame and disgust slams into my stomach as it always does thinking about that day. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to her, but I push it down and continue with the rest of the story.
“That’s when Sammy came around collecting cans. I pocketed the packet, to protect the family. And he stayed until the ambulance came and was just there with me. After they were gone. He asked me if I had some money so he could get some food.”
I scoff, half laugh, remembering looking at him gob-smacked.
“Obviously, I didn’t give it to him and brought him food instead. I felt like shit. Either way giving Jade the money or packing the drugs was what killed her. So, it’s not hard to order a bit of extra food and find someone who is hungry, there are plenty. And in the end, I hope somehow, I can tip the scales a little and make up for everything that I’ve been given because of drugs that my family profits from. And that’s about it. Sammy and I have been friends ever since.”
I feel like a piece of me is left, exposed and bare in the car with Ren. With Sergei it was never like this, or with anyone. With Ren, it’s raw, so real, and it’s so easy to let go and just be me. It’s dangerous the longer I’m with him, and I’m not sure if I can stop it.
He reaches over the console, taking my hand in his. Our fingers intertwine, and he rubs the back of my hand with his thumb.
“How is it possible you came from him?” he says softly, as he lifts my hand to his lips.
They brush against the skin of my knuckles, sending tingles through my body.
“Hmph. I ask myself the same question,” I swallow down the emotions trapped in my throat.
He takes my hand and rests it on his lap, and we stay like that all the way home.
19
Ren
Oncewearrivedhome,I wasn’t surprised to see her run straight into her bathroom and into the shower. Not just because she still had twigs and dirt in her hair, but because she couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
