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And even once our mothers are dead, a girl--no matter how many magical powers she has—just wants her mother.
Kallus had told me that the spell was too complicated for me, but now I realized how much of everything he'd said had been a lie. The memory of how he'd threatened to torture me nagged me like a splinter lodged under my skin. He'd said so many times that he cared about me, and he'd seemed so proud when Zehr insulted me and he’d defended me. No matter how much I tried to be hard and jaded, I longed for that relationship with family.
I’d longed to be close to Kallus, because he was my mother’s brother, because he was the only blood relative I had. The realization made me cringe at my weakness.
I laid out my mother's objects. The rocks and a geode she’d collected as a girl. Tattered playing cards she’d once used to gamble with her brother. A simple tiara. An icy blue pendant. Touching each one felt infused with meaning, knowing Amily had handled these items.
I completed the spell, and gritted my teeth, hoping desperately that it would work. For a few long seconds, the room seemed too silent. I closed my eyes, overcome with disappointment.
Then I heard faint rustling beside me.
My mother's ghost knelt beside me. She still wore that simple blue gown, the one she’d been buried in. “Hello, Honor.”
She was so close to me, and I wished I could reach out and touch her. I knew in my head it would be cold and unsatisfying, but I couldn't resist. My fingers just passed right through her, and she smiled at me sadly.
“Hello, mother,” I told her.
“Let me just look at you a moment,” she said, studying my face with an intensity that touched my heart. I stared back at her the same way, trying to memorize the lines of her face. I thought that maybe I looked a little bit like her, with her stubborn chin and faint freckles and deep blue eyes.
I wasn't sure if I would ever see her again.
Then she said, “I wasn't sure when I would get to see you.”
“What is it like? Where you are?”
“I can't explain it,” she said. “It's like being everywhere and nowhere all at once. I wish I could follow you, see what you're doing, know that you're alright...”
I often wasn't alright. And I was so often doing things that I wouldn't want my mother to see. Even ghosts can be shocked and horrified.
I told my mother briefly about the Scourge curse and Zehr’s sickness. “Your journal… is it real?”
She nodded.
“So it true that we can break the curse? If we reassemble the Scourge stone and then I use my magic to destroy it?”
“Lysander hoped we would. It was only when we tried to fix things that…” She turned away, her eyes welling with tears. “We shouldn’t have tried to change anything. It cost us our lives, our life together.”
I swallowed my own sudden lump. “The Royals wouldn’t let you change.”
“No. But you have to understand, Lysander and I didn’t realize how awful the world would become. The Scourge are… amusing to Ebba. His chaos carried by poor souls. He was happy to trick us into creating them.”
“What did you offer him?”
She gave me a long look, then said, “Honor. Some questions are best left unasked and if they are asked, unanswered.”
I bit my lip. The answer made me furious. And afraid. But I didn’t want to waste the little time I had with her in anger. “Do you know where your Scourge stone went?”
She nodded. “It was in the hilt of my sword, the one I was carrying when I was murdered. But I don't know where it went after that.”
She closed her eyes, seeming overwhelmed. “My last thought was of you… as you were running ahead in the darkness. Pursued by those monsters. I’m so sorry I failed you.”
“You didn’t.” I cleared my throat. My mother’s obvious emotion made me want to cry too. “There's no way you can track it down magically?” I was already prepared to be disappointed, given what she said about being nowhere and everywhere all at once.
She shook her head.
“So what is the afterlife like?” I asked.
“I'm not sure. I think it fades when you call on me, so that I can't tell you about it.”
