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“It wasn’t easy, getting to the point where we had enough money to eat. Jack was using, Mia was enabling him,” he shakes his head, “and Amber was pregnant with Jack’s baby.”
“I could see it all happen like it was a movie, and I knew how it would end. Jack and Mia had thisbond,” he says the word ‘bond’ with a resentful tone, “a connection that couldn’t be severed, no matter how destructive their relationship was. When she made him go to rehab for the first time, I saw the cracks in their bond start to form.”
He shifts his weight on the bike and rubs the stubble on his chin.
“Stupidly, I wanted to fill in those cracks, be the person that could make her whole again. Jack hated that we were together, even though he had become a husband to Amber and a father to Hayley.”
“We had to finish an album, tour, fulfill our obligation as a band, even with the animosity between all of us. They created this toxic environment that made being together a job, and they shit on everything we built together. I signed up to make music; I didn’t sign up for a job. ”
He takes a deep breath, and his body moves under my hands; the soft cotton of his shirt brushing against my fingers as he settles himself further onto the bike.
“Jack and Mia were my best friends, and they betrayed me in the worst possible way. After the band broke up, Mia and I went our separate ways. I didn’t want to play anymore, not if it wasn’t with them,” he explains.
I listen with rapt attention, trying to make sense of it all, hearing the torment in his voice, everything he’s tried to hide from me, and now I realize why. Who would want to relive that?
He tilts his head closer to me and little pieces of his hair touch my cheek. “Sometimes we want things we shouldn’t,” he says. “I couldn’t stay away, I loved her too much. We tried to start a new life together, start over. Mia had her publishing company under our old label, and Peter was one of the first clients she worked with.” He chuckles softly as if a memory takes hold of him.
“The Peter I knew wasn’t a bad guy, but I didn’t know him like Mia did. Writing songs is a very intimate process. He shared things with her, about his past, about Maggie,” I turn my head away from him at the mention of my mom, blinking away the tears, “that he put into that album, and that’s why he dedicated it to her.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” My voice cracks and I choke back the tears.
“Because I should have told you all of this before. You deserve to know the truth. Peter didn’t know about you.”
I jump off the bike before Cash can stop me. He rights the bike, hitting the kickstand and follows me to the fence that lines the perimeter.
“I don’t understand.”
I have this image of my mom that I constructed from that one photograph. She was a free spirit, full of life, loved music, and loved to dance. In my mind, my parents were happy about starting a family. I had a dad that wanted me. All of that was the stupid imagination of a little girl who didn’t know either of her parents.
Cash pulls a couple of torn pages from his pocket. “Because when he showed up on your grandparents’ doorstep looking for Maggie, she told him she had an abortion.”
I take a step back, my mouth opens, and I can barely get the words out. “Why would she do that?” I ask, stunned. “That doesn’t make any sense! I thought they loved each other!” But I realize all of that was in my head, imagined because I wanted to believe that the man that took her picture loved her.
“They did, but sometimes love makes people do stupid things.” Cash’s sympathetic grey eyes pull me in.
I think of all people, he would know that the most. When he hands me the pages, I take them reluctantly.
“What is this?” I look down at the handwriting on the unlined, worn brown paper.
“Pages from Mia’s journal. She wrote about Peter; she wrote about all of it. He didn’t know, Sasha.”
I grip the pages in my hand, letting the tears fall and seep into the paper. I thought learning about Peter from the album was a shock, but this is a lot to unpack. I feel Cash’s thumb brush the tears from my cheek and I look up at him, seeing the remorse in his eyes.
“I wish someone had told me how it would have all played out, maybe I’d have made different choices, but then maybe it wouldn’t have led me to you. I have waited so long for you, and only a foolish man would let you leave without fighting for you.” He steps forward to press our bodies together, one arm around my waist, the other hand resting on my face.
In those stormy grey eyes, I can see what I’ve already known for a while now.
“I want the life, Sasha, and I want it with you.” His hand runs through my hair, and he lets out a shaky breath. “I’m not afraid to tell you anymore that I’m in love with you.”
* * *
I holdthe pages to Mia’s journal in my hands, and even after reading it over and over again for the last hour, I still can’t believe it.
“We were high school sweethearts.”
“She came out to L.A. with me after we graduated.”
They knew. My grandparents knew who he was all along.
