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That gets him to smile. I just cross my fingers that his smile will still exist after the therapy session.
An hour later, we’re sitting in a waiting room at a busy doctor’s office waiting for Dr. Gardingdale to arrive so we can get this show on the road. Ayden is about a million times more nervous than when he got his tattoo, which is saying a lot. But he’s not the only one that’s so jittery they can’t sit still. It didn’t help that when we left, Fiona blindsided me as I was getting into the car.
“I know what you’re doing,” she said with her hands on her hips.
I caught Ayden’s gaze from over the roof of the car. “Look, Fiona,” I turned to her and lowered my voice, “you can’t tell anyone, okay? This is really important.”
“I know it is. And I know I can’t say anything to anyone, not when this could set Ayden free,” she said simply. “I just wanted to give you a head’s up that Ayden’s going to need you to be calm for him. That it’s important you don’t freak out, even when things look bad.”
For the second time today my jaw nearly hit the ground.
Her words have been stuck inside my head ever since, playing like a scratched record.
“What exactly did Fiona say to you in the driveway?” Ayden asks, leaning closer to me and keeping his voice low.
“It wasn’t important.” I pick up a pamphlet that’s on the table to the side of me to busy myself with something since I can’t seem to sit still.
“But she said she wasn’t going to tell Lila and Ethan, right?’” A flush creeps up on his cheeks as his gaze drops to the pamphlet in my hand. Then he starts bouncing his knee up and down as he averts his gaze to the floor.
“No, she said she knew she couldn’t tell anyone, whatever that means.” I look down at the pamphlet to see what’s causing him to blush. I try not to laugh, because out of all things, I grabbed one about safe sex. Seeing an opportunity to alleviate some of the tension, I decide to tease him a little. “It might have some good tips in there.” I nudge his shoulder with mine. “Maybe we should read it.”
He massages the back of his neck, muttering something under his breath before elevating his gaze to me. “You think we should?” The blush is still there, but his voice is surprisingly steady.
His unexpected question catches me off guard and I feel my own cheeks warm, which rarely happens. Usually I have mad skills in the chillax department, but just thinking about having sex with Ayden makes my heart go all glowy crazy in my chest like a cracked-out unicorn.
“I don’t know.” I fiddle with the edge of the pamphlet. “Maybe. The other night things did get a little . . .” I rack my brain for the right word that will sum up what happened Saturday night, but then decide to be funny, because we need funny right now. “Bow chicka bow wow.”
He snorts a laugh. “I guess that’s one way to put it.”
“You’re okay with what happened, right? I mean, I know that was a huge step for you.” I fold and unfold the pamphlet, feeling super fidgety. “I just don’t ever want to push you into doing stuff.”
“Lyric, I swear to God I’m fine.” His expression grows intense, his gaze boring into me. “You’ve never, ever have pushed me into doing anything that I didn’t want to do.” He blows out a frustrated exhale. “You’ve always been so patient with me, even when you shouldn’t have to be.”
I slip my fingers through his. “Ayden, I love you. Being with you is amazing. It’s not about having to do stuff. It’s about wanting to.”
He nods his head up and down, his gaze dropping to the pamphlet in my free hand. “Still, it’s getting easier . . . I mean, with the intimate stuff.”
I lock eyes with him. “How much easier?” My voice is steady, but my heart’s an erratic mess.
He opens his mouth to answer, and dear God, I’m eager to hear what’s about to leave those lips of his, but an older dude wearing a bright-ass orange tie and tan slacks enters the waiting room, and Ayden instantly jumps to his feet.
“You haven’t been waiting too long, have you?” Dr. Gardingdale asks Ayden, tucking his briefcase underneath his arm.
Ayden shakes his head. “Not too long.”
“Good. Good.” Dr. Gardingdale seems nervous, his gaze flicking back and forth between Ayden and me. “It’s nice to see you again, Lyric.”
Ayden reaches back, grabs my hand, and pulls me to his feet. “I hope you don’t mind that I brought her.”
“It’s fine,” he says, waving at us to follow him as he heads toward the door near the front desk. “Ayden talks very highly of you, Lyric. And it might be good that you’re here. You seem to have a calming effect on him.”
My gaze slides to Ayden. “Do you talk about me with him?” I’m not offended. Just curious what he could possibly have to say about me while he’s in therapy.
He lifts his shoulders and shrugs. “You’re a huge part of my life. Of course I talk about you.” He holds the door open for me, looking a little sheepish. “Besides, like he said, you have this crazy calming effect on me, so whenever I get too stressed, I just start talking about you.”
That makes me smile. I stand on my tiptoes, give him a quick kiss, then tuck the pamphlet into the back pocket of my shorts. He totally notices and his cheeks flush a deep red.
“You’re so adorable when you’re embarrassed,” I say, taking his hand as we follow Dr. Gardingdale down the hallway lined with rooms.
“I’m glad you think so,” he replies, his cheeks still pink. “Because I find it really fucking annoying.”
I kiss his cheek just because I can.
When we reach a room at the end of the hallway, Dr. Gardingdale motions us inside, then closes the door. It looks like a normal check-up room; plain white walls that surround a bed, a blood pressure machine, and a couple of chairs.
“We’re going to hook you up to the monitors so we can keep track of your heart rate while you’re out,” Dr. Gardingdale explains as Ayden sits down on the bed. “Dr. Milleperton is also going to be putting in an IV as well so we can inject the sedative.”
“An IV?” I ask in shock. “Is that really necessary?”
“This is an extreme treatment that requires some mild medication,” Dr. Gardingdale says as he sets his briefcase on the counter near the sink. Then he turns to Ayden. “Now, are you positive you want to do this?” he asks. “Because there’s still time to change your mind.”
Ayden lies down, resting his arms on his stomach. “I’m not going to change my mind.”
My heart speeds up, thrashing in my chest.
Tell me what I’m supposed to do
To make this ache go away.
A gnawing warning in my heart,
Begging me to listen.
Soft whispers through my mind.
Tell me a story of where this is heading.
Tell me a story of my life without him.
Dark colors, no light, pure emptiness,
That’s what the whispers promise me.
I’ve never been so confused,
So lost before.
When the doctor comes in and hooks the IV and heart monitor to Ayden, I consider texting Aunt Lila. Consider running out of the room and bailing on the situation because I’m freaking out. But this isn’t about me. This isn’t about how I feel. This is about Ayden.
So, I take his hand, trying to be there for him the only way I can. “I love you,” I whisper. “So much.”
“I love you . . . too . . .” He trails off as he slips into unconsciousness.
“TRY TO KEEP YOUR MIND clear,” Dr. Gardingdale says as my hazy mind bounces back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness.
“I’ll . . . try . . .” My lips feel so numb, like they’re detached from my face. In fact, my entire body feels like it doesn’t exist.
“Good. Now try to picture the house you were kept in, if you can.” Dr. Gardingdale’s voice sounds like it comes from somewhere nearby, but I can’t tell where he is—where anyone is. “But I don’t want you to p
ush yourself too hard, Ayden. If at any moment you feel like this is too much, just let me know.”
“Okay . . .”
Where’s Lyric? I want to say. I want to see her. Want to make sure she’s okay. She looked so worried the last time I saw her.
But I can’t see a damn thing. Can’t feel anything. I just exist in an ocean of darkness threatening to pull me under the violent waves. I try to fight, try to keep above water, but eventually I succumb and have no choice but to go . . .
Down . . .
Down . . .
Down . . .
