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Or dinner…and breakfast.
Whoa, where did that come from? The guys had put such crazy ideas into my head that now, instead of fantasizing about my one-sided crush on Axel, I was allowing myself to imagine that he might have the smallest bit of interest in me too.
It was easy to do when he looked at me like I was the most important person in the room.
And although I’d been denying it, he really did look at me like that. It made my stomach ball up into a knot every time because I was always waiting for him to realize I wasn’t good enough for him. If he did actually have any interest in me, surely it was because he hadn’t gotten a good look at me. He hadn’t realized how soft I was around the middle, or how painfully shy I could be around strangers.
I had no right to even fantasize about being with a guy like Axel, but that didn’t stop me from doing it. After leaving work, I was so excited by my little sleeping quarters that I didn’t pay attention to how early it was when I got home. Instead of driving around the city and stalling for a few hours, I picked up a couple burgers and went straight home.
Bad move.
Dad was awake and pissed that I didn’t bring any food for him. I offered to give him my dinner, but he didn’t like the burgers from that place. He liked their chicken sandwiches, and I damn well knew it, according to him. That was why he grabbed the bag I offered him and threw it on the ground before stomping on it as if it were a flaming bag of shit.
“I can go get you something now,” I said softly as I backed out of the room. “It’ll just take me a few minutes.”
“Forget it. I don’t need anything from you. You think you’re better than me because you go to work every day and have a paycheck. But you’re not. You’re the same sniveling candyass you’ve always been.”
He had more to say, but I closed the door to my room without hearing most of it. Maybe tonight was the night I started sleeping at work. The guys made it clear that I was welcome, and they went to so much trouble to get it ready for me. It didn’t make any sense to continue to suffer his insults if I had another option.
I only took a few more seconds to make the decision, and before I talked myself out of it, I was shoving my work clothes and essentials into my large duffle bags.
I reached for my backpack in the corner of my closet but hesitated.
The package of diapers were hidden in that bag, and I wasn’t sure if I should take them with me. On the one hand, I couldn’t risk messing up the sheets at work since there was no way for me to easily wash them. On the other hand, what if somebody saw them? I would absolutely die. There was no way I could overcome that kind of humiliation. I’d have to leave town and completely start over with a new identity.
I didn’t see a reasonable solution.
On the shelf in my closet, there was an old sleeping bag that I used the one time my dad took me camping. Not exactly sure what the plan was, I hooked it to the backpack, grabbed my blankie from between the mattress and the wall, and shoved as many socks and underwear as I could on top of everything else in the backpack.
After I walked out that front door, there was a good chance I would never be welcomed back in this house again. Hell, I wasn’t welcomed in the house right now.
It took an hour for my dad to finally go to the bathroom, but as soon as he did, I quickly made a run for it. He might not even notice I was gone for a while. Maybe never. And I would probably never miss him either.
When I got back to work, Axel’s truck was still in the lot, and I could see a light on up in the attic. It was almost nine, and I felt a twinge of guilt that he was working so late, but I also liked the flutter in my belly that happened whenever I thought about Axel doing nice things for me.
I was tempted to go upstairs and see if he needed any help, but I was also a little self-conscious about being there. Besides, I didn’t want him to ask me questions about why I wasn’t staying at home, so I quietly slipped into the storage room and got myself settled in.
Having such an emotional day left me exhausted, and after I finally tested out the mattress, I almost passed out right then. But I couldn’t risk falling asleep without taking preventative measures.
Even though my body felt like it weighed a million pounds, I forced myself to get up and use the bathroom. I took my toiletries bag to brush my teeth and wash my face, but I wasn’t sure what to do about my actual sleeping time.
Back in the storage room, I unrolled the sleeping bag and put it on top of the mattress. If I did have an accident, it would be in the bag and I could easily take it to a laundromat after work. But that didn’t completely settle my concerns.
Ideally, I should wear a diaper too, just to fully contain any messes, but then there was a risk that someone would see me. What if there was a fire and I had to run outside in my sleep clothes? No, I couldn’t do it.
But after lying in the sleeping bag for almost an hour, I knew there was no way I would get a good night’s sleep without the extra protection of the diaper. So, ignoring all the risks of my most shameful secret being revealed, I flipped on the lamp, dug out a diaper from the bottom of my backpack, and dropped my jammie pants to put it on.
It wasn’t the easiest thing to do while standing up. They were made to be put on by a partner, so trying to hold the diaper between my legs as I squatted so the seal around my legs were tight while positioning the adhesive tabs in just right spot that they didn’t pull off when I moved or cut off my circulation when I sat down was quite a feat.
And just when I thought I had it on correctly, the tab released again and one side flopped open. “Dammit!” I cried out in frustration, too tired to concentrate but desperate to make it work.
Seconds later, the door to the storage room flew open and Axel was standing there, staring down at me as I wrestled with a choo-choo train diaper and snowflake sleep pants pooled around my ankles.
We both froze, not sure what to do or say.
He recovered first, doing his best to play it cool. “Sorry, Billy. I didn’t realize you were here, and then I heard you scream.” He spun on his heel so his back was facing me. “Is there anything you need? Can I, um, help you?”
“Please, no.” I wanted to die. Like, seriously melt into a puddle and never look at him again. “God, Axel. “ I grabbed the sleeping bag and wrapped it around me. “Please don’t tell anyone. I’m so sorry. God!” What else could I say? There were no words to convey the mortification flowing through me. Nothing could make my situation okay. I was a disgusting baby, and now the sexiest man I’d ever met had witnessed it. “Just…please don’t tell anyone.”
