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I closed my eyes, picturing my childhood room. My comforter had been pink with black polka dots, with a dusty rose paint on the walls. We’d left it behind when we moved. At my grandparents', I’d taken over the room that had been meant for Nan’s sewing. She’d made a new comforter but it had been purple, not pink.
I’d been about eight years old. Coming home to see my completed room was one of my clearest memories from my childhood. For years now, I’d pushed aside anything good about my mother.
But she’d been sick. Had I misjudged her all this time?
What had she thought when she’d decided to run off with Rex? That she’d had a short time left and wanted to spend it with him? Not me?
She’d had a brain tumor. A mass pushing into the frontal lobe. Causing all kinds of confusion and strange behavior. If she’d been mentally ill, would I have blamed her for her actions? Probably not. I’d have understood it was because of her illness. But this was the same thing, wasn’t it? The cancer had changed her into someone else.
Where did that leave me now?
12
ATTICUS
After Rafferty left, I sat on the couch staring into the fire, absently rubbing Scout’s head. I needed to call Mama, but I couldn’t quite pick up the phone. This was the kind of news that should be delivered in person.
Jennie Armstrong had been sick. That fact changed everything for Annie and her father. It didn’t change much for me or my brothers though. Our father was still the lying, cheating, no-good fake. However, this put Jennie in a whole new light. One that would give my mother peace? I wasn’t sure.
A half hour passed with no sign of Annie. She needed time alone. I could understand that. Whenever I was dealing with something big like this, I tended to do the same thing. I’d give her space. I needed to see Mama anyway.
I left Annie a note in the kitchen that I was headed to Mama’s but to call if she needed me.
Scout rode shotgun on the way there, fur rippling in the breeze emitted from the front heat vents. She’d been strangely subdued today, as if she understood something was wrong with Annie. It was weird how attached Scout had gotten to her insuch a short amount of time. Dogs always knew deep down who the best people were.
I found Mama in the kitchen making sandwiches from the leftover turkey I’d sent for her and Pop.
“What brings you by?” Mama asked, brow furrowed. “Is Annie all right?”
“She’s fine. But there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“You look so serious. Is it about Annie?” Mama asked. “Did you have a fight?”
“No, nothing like that. We should sit,” I said.
“You’re scaring me.”
“It’s not bad. Not really. No one’s sick or hurt.”
“That’s a relief.” She joined me at the kitchen table, smoothing away invisible crumbs from the surface.
“Rafferty dropped by this morning with some surprising news.” I did my best to convey his findings succinctly and without emotion. The quicker I told her, the sooner it would sink into her consciousness. I ended with Rafferty’s belief that the tumor had affected Jennie’s frontal lobe. “Her decision-making skills were off, Mama. She wasn’t herself.”
“How could no one have known about this?” She stared at me with wide eyes, her small hand balling into a fist on top of the table. “Why wouldn’t she have told me? I was her best friend.”
“Rafferty’s not sure, but it makes sense that by the time she knew about the tumor, her judgment was already impaired.”
Mama stared into space with a glazed look in her eyes. “I do remember thinking Jennie seemed different, but I was so preoccupied with your father that I didn’t pay much attention at the time.” She turned toward me, as if I’d commented. “Don’t think I haven’t thought it all through a thousand times. Trust me. I went over and over it until finally one day, about six months after they died, I looked over at Jasper and I thought, I’m goingto miss my life if I put one more ounce of energy into this. I made the decision right then and there to move on. Yes, my best friend and husband had betrayed me, but that wasn’t the end of my story. I was bound to make my life not about being spurned, but of healing enough to take another chance on love. I made the choice to embrace a new future with Jasper—for you boys and for myself. But this? This changes everything.”
“I know, Mama.”
She sighed, hanging her head. “I really don’t want to think through all of this again or examine those months leading up to the worst day of my life. Moving forward was the hardest thing I ever did. Am I supposed to feel guilty now for hating her all this time?”
“You can hate what she did without hating her. I know it’s a fine distinction.”
“But an important one.” She stood and went to the refrigerator and pulled out a sparkling water, twisting off the cap before taking a sip. “Years ago, before I met Jasper, I used to think that no one had loved me as much as Jennie. Not even my parents. Maybe especially them. Jennie’s betrayal is a wound that will never fully heal. Regardless, knowing she was sick does matter. It matters a lot.”
“It’ll take some time for it to sink in,” I said. “I’m sorry all this has resurfaced.”
