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“Your mom came to everything I ever did,” I blurted out. “She never missed anything.”
“You were like one of us,” Rafferty said. “Some of my early memories always have you there with us.”
Waves of emotions ranging from regret to sadness to love felt strong enough to knock me sideways. “Why do I feel like I have to choose one life over the other?” I asked.
“I’m no shrink,” Thad said. “But isn’t that what your mom did?”
“Chose him over me? One life for another?” Hot tears itched the backs of my eyes.
“It wasn’t your fault. She did what she did but not because of anythingyoudid.” Rafferty drew in a breath. “I’m not saying it's right, but you know what I mean.”
“Everyone I love chooses someone else over me. My mother chose Rex Sharp. Ben chose some random woman over me. For no reason except to punish me. I think anyway.’
“Atticus hasn’t chosen anyonebutyou. His whole life.” Rafferty spoke softly but with utter seriousness. “That womanhe dated before he sold his company? She never had a chance, even if she’d deserved one. He’s never forgotten you.”
Thad nodded. “What do they call it in those vampire books? You know, when someone’s imprinted with someone else from a young age? Atticus chose you when you were both young, and he never changed his mind. Even though you were gone such a long time.”
I once again buried my face in my hands. Were they right? Could I trust that Atticus would always be by my side? Did he really love me that much?
I’d never know unless I returned to him. Gave him a chance to prove himself to me. Would he really give up the opportunity to run a huge company for me?
“Did he tell you about his job offer?” I asked.
“Yeah, we heard,” Thad said. “He doesn’t want it. He wants you.”
Could I do this? Take this leap of faith? Gamble that he wouldn’t leave me?
My dad hadn’t left. He’d done whatever it took to make sure I was loved and taken care of. Then he’d fallen in love again and taken another leap of faith with Barb. If he could do it, then why couldn’t I?
Because a mother’s love was different from anything else in the world. The bond between mother and child should not be broken. Yet ours had. She’d been sick, yes. But it had still happened. She chose someone over me.
“I was eleven years old. I needed my mom. I still do.” I started to cry again, big ugly tears that shook my body. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, repeating myself.
Thad covered one of my hands in his. “Cry all you want. Let it out.”
I’m not sure how long we sat there on the side of the road with me crying my eyes dry. When the tears finally ceased, I took the tissues offered to me from Rafferty and wiped my face.
“Mama went to all your recitals and whatever,” Rafferty said. “She’s watched everything you’ve ever been in. She’ll be here for you if you let her. Like a mom. Not a replacement, of course, but there if you want her.”
“And so will Atticus,” Thad said.
I took in a shaky breath, turning to look at the plume of smoke rising from the ranch house. “I can’t leave him like this. It’s cowardly and wrong.” How did it make me any different than my mother?
“What do you want?” Rafferty asked simply. “We’ll do whatever you wish.”
“I want Atticus,” I said. “And Scout.”
“All right then, let’s go home.” Thad put the car in Drive and headed toward the sign that would take us back to Bluefern.
“What about your Christmas shopping?” I asked, suddenly remembering.
“It can wait,” Rafferty said. “This is way more important.”
18
ATTICUS
Iwas on my second beer by the time the clock struck three that afternoon. Day drinking was not my usual activity, but today was an exception. I couldn’t get Scout to budge from her sit-in outside the guest room door. My chest and stomach felt as if someone had laid a thousand-ton truck on top of me.
